Best Advice received? complaining about something you can control - ROUGH DRAFT

What is the best advice you've ever received and why is it important?

I Understand this is a rough ROUGH scattered brained draft but I just want some critquing on it if I should even bother continuing with it or scratch it and try a new angle?

ANY insight would be helpful
1. grammer
2. rewording sentences
3. revising the order of things
4. specifying and providing more examples?
5. stronger conclusion section

The conditions that you were brought into the world in are really the only predetermined things. I was brought up into the same house I am currently in, yet the state was much different. It was like living in a disorganized storage unit, with all surfaces cluttered with items that hadn't been acknowledged in years. I was the youngest and felt like a victim to this mess no one wanted confront. It was increasingly becoming the source of many arguments, and disrupted daily life. For no particular reason I exclaimed, "I'm so sick of not having space to do my homework", as though I was entitled to that space. I couldn't quote it, but my sister's response was something along the lines of "Don't complain about something you can control." This response, not groundbreaking by any means, had somehow woken me up. It was very unsettling to realize that, if I just reached far enough, I could grasp at least some of the solutions to my problems.

I quickly stopped complaining, and started using my limited resources to find the most (efficient solutions) . The super glue and duct tape method were not longer ( ) as solutions and were short lived.

The employees at Home Depot looked confused as to why my dad directed their assistance to me. They seemed completely baffled when I mentioned specific product numbers and follow up questions research could only account () to. As though a toddler were not only speaking but also understanding Newton's Third Law.The weekly ads to hardware stores had been cookie cut before the rest of my family was even able to see them. I had submerged myself into the world of (mechanics) in order to maneuver through it.

The hardest part was strategically breaking down what needed to be done, literally from the ground up, into one lengthy overwhelming list. I then re-evaluated what I was able to accomplish on my own, and began projects.

(Example of projects?)
My main concern was not interrupting or imposing this list on anyone, as it seemed to make everyone uneasy. I no longer troubled myself with resenting the shortcomings of others from their excuses or even valid complaints. I only held myself accountable for the things I deemed myself capable of doing, with hopes that others will recognize and follow .

My mom jokingly asks 'whose to blame' for my (active) attempt . Although the intent of the advice was just to get me to simply get me to stop complaining, it changed my perspective on almost every situation. I'd understood the need for achievement, academic or otherwise, yet I'd get lost in way to pursue it. I felt only limitations, but now I can establish what I have control of, and actually more forward. I've grown a knack to constantly look for improvements, starting in myself. I don't think I'll ever truly stop revising that to-do list, as there is a certain satisfaction when I or someone else cross something off.

BUMP
any advice would be useful

It's due Saturday, after my SAT so I'm trying to finish it by tomorrow!
Any outside help would be beneficial
what approach would you take to this?

Hey, I hope I can help (ALL MY CORRECTIONS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS):

1) Your introduction is too basic, it doesn't hook my attention at all. Try: Born in a home inundated with clutter, that it appeared as if I live in

a disorganized storage unit, with all surfaces
cluttered with items that hadn't been
acknowledged in years. It dawned on me that the conditions that you ARE brought into
the world in are ESSentially the only
predetermined FACTORS IN LIFE.

2) "For no particular reason"
This makes no sense as there is a very clear reasons for your exclamations
(which is the clutter).
Try: In an exasperated disposition I exclaimed...

3) "I couldn't quote it"
* You still can't quote her exact words, so why is this in the past tense?
* do not use contractions such as "couldn't"
* Do improve your vocabulary, try : I am unable to recall her exact words, though my sisters response...

4) "along the lines of..."
You should avoid any cliches, they are not a refuge for superior vocabulary, and they make you sound like a rambling 10year old, as opposed to the competent high school senior that colleges are looking for.

5) "not groundbreaking by any means"
Ask yourself what type of influence those words have and decide what to do.
Personally, I feel its a futile distraction and would probably be helpful if took it out.

6) "I quickly stopped complaining"
Again watch your vocabulary! You could have said: I immediately halted my complaints and began enlisting my unlimited resources to arrive at the most pertinent solution.

7) " The super glue and duct
tape method were NO longer (Feasible) as solutions"
Cut the short lived part it has no purpose.

Your essay has a lot of potential, and it is fairly good. However, I feel that you should work on conveying your thoughts more logically-particularly from the words, "the employees of...".

From there on it looses its well organized structure, and seems like there are a million ideas that spring from nowhere really.

You also need to work on your vocabulary, in order to effectively display an ability to communicate in a mature manner.

Its still a good essay, and with a bit of work you can make it a really great one.

Good luck on for your SAT, and the essay!
Let me know if you need help with your revised version.

Phoebe Africa
Thank you! I felt so much less stress taking the test this morning knowing I had someone look over and give instruction on this essay!

I'm almost finished with it, and seeing as it's due in 4 hours, I'll try to post my 'finished' copy for last minute critiquing.

REVISED! Two hours to submit
Any constructive criticism is welcome

Born in a home inundated with clutter, that it appeared as if I live in a disorganized storage unit, with all surfaces cluttered with items that had not been acknowledged in years obsolete for years. It dawned on me that the conditions that you are brought into the world are essentially the only predetermined factors in life. In an exasperated disposition I exclaimed, "I'm so tired of not having space to do my homework", as though I was entitled to such space. I am unable to recall her exact words, though my sister's response was similar to the message, "Don't complain about something you can control." This response, however not cryptic, had somehow woken me up. It was very unsettling to realize that, if I simply reached far enough, some of the solutions to my problems were actually tangible.

I immediately halted my complaints and began enlisting my unlimited resources to arrive at the most pertinent solution. The super glue and duct tape method were no longer feasible as solutions. My initial approach was sluggish, as I innately avoided all clutter with an arabesque here and spiral there, only to confide to my one haven; my bed. My research consisted of sneaking the Sunday Home Depot ads, returning them only when they appeared completely cookie-cut from the best deals. Drawing up lists of what needed to be done seemed to ebb the anxiety I felt from all the tasks. By looking at each item on it's own, I felt relieved by how manageable it all now seemed.

Revamping the house called for constant trips to the hardware store, a place I now had the urge to meander through. The employee's each had brevity of reluctance when my dad directed their attention to me; the miniature petite pre-teen girl who seemed inept to open even a lid. This was quickly replaced with a state of utter bafflement, as I proved my expertise with follow up questions stumping even them.

When the house had started to wane of all of the clutter, it was clear that the blatant the mess had fettered the whole mindset of the house. The vacant corners and exclusive spot in the garage to fit a car had become serene a sight. , with a My mom jokingly asks who or what was the culprit that spurred my 'busy body' attitude; my sister had merely suggested that I do the dishes. But that was it- those dishes were the first thing to check off of my list, and the satisfaction from doing it had created an appetite for improvement. I was no longer content by playing victim while being completely listless. Holding myself accountable before even thinking about vilifying another has evoked an appetite for self-improvement. There was nothing that fettered us to the conditions we were, or ever will be in. All I had to do was wane

Absolutely brilliant!
Its readable and the story not only, hooks ones attention, but maintains it throughout.
There's just one or two things needed to polish it, before sending(I hope I'm not too late, as its already Sunday here in South Africa)

But here we go:

1)" With all surfaces "cluttered" with items"
You used cluttered already in the opening lines, so replace it with "occupied" instead

2) The conditions WHICH ONE IS brought in the world WITH, are...

3) "woken" should be "woke"

4) Replace "Unlimited" with just "limited" (makes it look as if you had to strive even harder to combat your problem of limited resources)

5) "the blatant the mess had..."
Cut the "the" between "blatant" and "mess"

6) "serene a sight. With my mom, jokingly, ASKING..."

7) "about vilifying another has evoked"
Needs a comma between "another" and "has"

-in some instances when I didn't quote your original words, I used capital letter to show my alterations, it just seemed quicker-

LOVELY ESSAY, though, I'm so glad I could help. I hope this reaches you on time!