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My best friend Charles; CommonAPP - Person with significant influence


rhine017 1 / 1  
Jan 3, 2013   #1
Hi~
Can you check my essay? I'd like to hear lots of criticism.

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I waved at the car slowly escaping, watching it moving further and further. Inside the car sit my best friend, Charles. He was selected for an exchange program in America. He could not be around in my senior year, perhaps the most important year in my entire life. If you've ever swim in the sea and lost your swim ring by accident, you would know how I felt at that moment.

Charles was the most excellent student in our class. He did well in exams. He was a good violinist. He played several sports. He devoted most of his free time to community service and student government. For a long time, I felt embarrassed for our friendship. He is like the glare of the sun, keeping me from looking up.

At the end of the week, we had an extra period, in which two students gave a lecture on a specific topic to the whole class. Charles and I were going to talk about "future." Buried in my books, I hardly had time to prepare for the lecture with him. When I finally finished all my "burning issues" at Thursday night, I asked him if I could help. He gave me the draft he made several days ago. The next day, he was confident as usual, but I literally read the lines he wrote, which still dwell in my memory. "Forrest Gump's Mom once told little Forrest, 'Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you are going to get.' But our future will never be uncertain because I believe we are a little smarter than Forrest. We can choose the chocolate we like. Work hard and be fully prepared, and the future will be in control. Chances only favor prepared minds!"

That lecture turned out to be really successful. It means more than a great success to me. Charles and I became really close friends after the lecture. We gave three other lectures in the following two years. He helped me learn how to make preparations for the lectures and how to write a report afterwards on the lectures. I found I was just muddling along all these years. I could have done much more, just like Charles. We studied together, played violin together and did community service together. I always tried to be fully prepared. I overcame my nervousness before the lecture by preparing the materials in details. I achieved academic success by preparing carefully for the exams. I worked hard at everything I did, trying to be prepared. I want to decide my own life.

I was at a complete loss when he left. I did prepare, however, for his leaving. I adjust myself to the life without him quickly. After two growing years, I know exactly what I want do and what I am doing. I expect to meet Charles again, and show him how well I did all by myself.
rainee 1 / 2  
Jan 3, 2013   #2
He couldwould not be around in my senior year, perhaps the most important year in my entire life.
I dont exactly like the last line in your first paragraph. Try using another situation, otherwise it may stay.

In paragraph two, try to tell those those qualities impacted your life. You are yet to do this properly in the entire essay. Connect all of what Charles did what how you are in the present. Example, after he helped you to prepare for lectures you felt the urge to help yourself more. Try "Charles has taught you how to be prepared by (whatever he did). Charles taught me to appreciate community service by highlighting the impact it has on individual people and the society". Connect paragraph 2 with 4. How did his help with regards to education help your life? Is it his help in your academics that made his impact most significant or his friendship? How was he a good friend - was he trustworthy, motivational, inspirational, understanding? Elaborate if so.

Also elaborate on why you were embarrassed of the friendship and how you got over this.

I actually think paragraph 3 can be summarized.

Instead of saying " After two growing years, I know exactly what I want do and what I am doing" say, "After two years, I know what i want to do and how i will achieve this".

I think somewhere in your essay needs to say exactly how what Charles did taught you to do well by yourself.
OP rhine017 1 / 1  
Jan 3, 2013   #3
Thanks a lot!!
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jan 9, 2013   #4
If you've ever swim in the sea and lost your swim ring by accident, you would know how I felt at that moment.

.... "swum"is the past participle of the word "swim" while"swam" is the past tense. My suggestion;
If you've ever lost your swim ring by accident while swimming in the middle of the ocean, then you would understand my feelings of that moment.

Charles was the most excellent student in our class.

Charles was the most outstanding student in our class.


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