"A better degree, a better life style", Commonapp Transfer essay

This is just the first draft of my transfer essay.. I would really love any Ideas or thoughts!

thank you :)
the instructions were:
"Why do you want to transfer and what objectives do you hope to achieve?"

After completing one year of studying at the University of Brighton In the United Kingdom studying Business Management with Finance, I have decided that I would like to transfer to Boston. There are two main reason why I would like to do this. The main and most important reason is that I would like an academic upgrade, the less important reason but still a factor is the social situation in Brighton.

During my high school career I did not...

edit:

Midnight Hour
Johannesburg, South Africa

It happened on a random sunday night, at around 9:30pm . We were heading home after having spent a perfectly care- free sunday at a friends farm; swimming and tanning. I was sat in the back seat of the car, while my brother was in the passenger seat and my mom was drove. We sped past the dark, inter-twinning back roads that led to our house. We parked next to our gate and did the usual security check before entering the house; check for weird looking cars behind us. we noticed a car that had parked behind us and before I could put my thoughts together a man jumped out of the car and ran towards us with a gun. My mom quickly ducked her head underneath the steeling wheel and drove quickly out of our 'secure' road. As she was doing so, the man shot at us, honestly I felt my life flash before my eyes. Thankfully the bullet missed, but this had been our second incident in five years. I could not sleep that night, I had all these questions running through my head. What if they had actually shot someone? or what if they had managed to stop us, what would they have done to us?

This eye-awakening night led me to think about my future. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to be, and where I would be in the future. Being a victim of life, like this hijacker, was out of the question because I knew that life is what you put into it. I grew up in a very business orientated family, specifically in the field of finance. This obviously led to my interest in finance. I envisioned myself at a firm that I love and feel passionate about, working my way up the leadership and responsibility rank. One thing that I had wished for after that night was that I graduate with a first class degree from a university that fits me perfectly. I wish to be apart and experience the best possible academic setting. I have lived all over the world hence I accept and try understand different cultures. I can speak arabic and english fluently. I believe these characteristics could bring just a tiny hint more of diversity to the universities of my choice.

I love to be challenged, I believe challenges allow for a more stimulated mind. You can learn so much just by being challenged. You broaden your horizons to new information, new possibilities but most importantly you learn so much more about yourself; your boundaries and capabilities, just to name a few.

The world is a very competitive place, this is why a degree is vital in order to succeed. I am currently a finance major in the United Kingdom. However after reviewing the finance course that are on offer in Boston, I realize that my current course is not as detailed and in depth as I would like it to be. Boston offers a range of tempting course that I am so eager to tackle. I am so thankful to be apart of my current institute, but in order for me to fulfill my long term goal, I feel a transfer is necessary.

I would love nothing more than to be apart of a university in Boston. To be proud of my graduating school, as well as to make the university proud of me. Most importantly to be apart of a student body, considered as the leaders of tomorrow.

Hi.

You are doing something very dangerous here: denouncing your current institution openly is never a good idea. If I am the admission officer, I will probably be thinking: if you cannot appreciate your current school, how are you going to appreciate us? No matter how suck your current institution, or life is, try to look positive, and you will discover something unexpectedly awesome. To be honest, this essay shows that you are not ready at all to go to a better place.

There are some ambiguity regarding the kind of "challenge" you want. You talk vaguely about wanting to become the best person you can ever be. So, envision yourself in 10 years, where will you be standing then? What kind of things will you be doing? Tell them, so that they know how to help you. Reiterating you grades will give an impression that you do not know what else to talk about.

As for grammar and style, they are excellent.

I truly hope that you find your vision.

G L~

Thank you so much for the help!

yeah i agree with Zengrz.Seriously i think you have to show your possitive attitude on your transfer eassy,talk more about why you think you can get what you want from Boston,you said you are studying in business field,then you should talk about why you think their business program is suitable for you.then show how grateful you are as a person other than a student.i think your personality that shows on your essay is a hotspot,because you are the only you in the world.you shouldn't say that you want to be like somewhat,you might want to focus on how you think you can possibly do to achieve that instead.

ok thanks! iv started redoing the new essay.. I will post it on here as soon as I am done!

thanks for all the advice really appreciate it :)

i'm complete agree!

Hi.

I'll say the second essay is slightly better, but there is ample room for improvements.

The opening imagery talks about the kind of world you lived in. Great, but how does this experience relate to your dream of becoming a business person? If there is any connection, I am sorry, I have miss it, and I guarantee you, so will the admission officer who is reading ten thousand essays each day.


Reading this I am thinking that you want to become a policeman.

But still, I have to say, this is the direction you want to be going. Ask yourself questions, why do you want to do business? Which experience has shaped your ambition? Not that I am totally ignorant what you are trying to say (in the second essay), but the connection is just not there. This is a testament to your own communication skills, and communication skills are highly valuable wherever you go.

Something like this will probably do the trick: Why are these people doing this on the street? Why is this kind of event so prevalent in my country? Then I realize, everyone is fighting for their own survival due to their financial difficulties, and the lack of job opportunities will lead inevitably to people forcefully taking over of other people's possession.

Yah, you see my paragraph sucks, but can you see there's something business in there? Language cues like "lack of job opportunities, financial difficulties" will hint to your reader that you have the business sense and are interested enough to care about it. Make your essay flow, get the thesis straight, enjoy the writing process, cuz you are writing your heart out. At the end of the essay, you should not be feeling, "argh I finally got this shit down", but "danm, why can't I write more? But it is okay, I have written everything there's needed to be there, the idea is clear."

G L~

Your English is almost perfect! You just have a few small errors.

...while my brother was in the passenger seat and my mom was driving .

However after reviewing the finance courses that are on offered in Boston, I realize that my current course is not as detailed and in depth as I would like it to be.

"apart" is the opposite of "together"
"a part" (as 2 words) is the correct way to write it here:

I would love nothing more than to be a par t of a university in Boston. I wa nt to be proud of my graduating school, as well as to make the university proud of me. Most importantly to be part of a student body, considered as the leaders of tomorrow.