Beyond rankings, location, athletics, why Georgia Tech? Why Gatech?

Beyond rankings, location, athletics, why Georgia Tech? Why Gatech?

Here's mine. I appreciate if someone make comments.

Abundant ideas from Gatech

I like computer science for creating new things with codes. Computer scientists combine codes and different ideas together to solve all kinds of problems. Interested in Gatech, I am actually interested in the abundant ideas Gatech can offer me beyond the knowledge of codes. The first idea is global thinking. I am looking forward to a different education experience in Lorraine,, taking cultural advantage from French romance there. Anime-O-Tekku, the club about Japanese culture, also attracts me, because I am now learning Japanese. Only when I know the beauty and trouble of the world will I have more beautiful creation solving more problems. The second idea is making impact with knowledge. URCO broadens students' post-grad opportunities to learn beyond classrooms. I will strive for the research "Designing a Collaborative Web Game for middle school students", because I enjoy adding ideas of entertainment and art to the codes.

Hi,

Here are my suggestions:

I like computer science for creating new things with codes. I think you should go in with a hook grabber. And also you are being repetitive with your phrases. When you say, "...for creating new things with codes." the reader already knows that computer science people code. Hmmm. You do not have to use this sentence but maybe something like, "Computer Science is a brilliant game that takes my interest because it is everywhere-laptops, iPads, mobile devices. It fascinates me to understand the underlying CS that controls our world." This is just a suggestion. If you want to use it, then do so. But like I said, "I like computer science" is just an ordinary way to start your essay.

Computer scientists combine codes and different ideas together to solve all kinds of problems. This sentence does not really add to your paragraph. In fact it adds nothing because you are literally describing what a computer science does, which I am sure admission officers know who and what they do. So, I believe it would be in your best interest to take it out.

Interested in Gatech, I am actually interested... I do not know if you noticed but you used interested twice.

experience in Lorraine, ,...

Only whenWhen I know the beauty and trouble of the world will I have more beautiful creation solving more problems. This is just a recommendation because this sentence kind of sounded awkward.

Overall comments: Ok. I think your supplement is good in that it is very specific. I like that. I feel like the only potential problem I saw here was your word choices. I know it is hard to think something, "outside the box" but for these supplements try to be unique. (Dont worry I am writing my own supplements too and I know they are hard.) For instance, I think "learning beyond the classroom" is overused and many people use it in their supplements. I am not saying it is wrong to put it in but I think if you just think a little bit harder and try to come up with something that catches the eye of the reviewer like using figurative language then it just becomes more interesting. Was I able to make my point?

Like I said, if you want help with word choices I can help you with that. Just choose your sentences and I can maybe help you come up with something. Other than that, like I said, this is good because it is specific and I believe you were able to tie it to yourself.

Good luck.

@mualla
Thanks a lot! It helps. I realized that good word choices will impress AO. So if you can come up with some ideas to improve my expression, please inform me. Again, thank u for suggestion.

Benny, your last sentence in the statement seems to have just been thrown in there without proper development. Is this a research something you will pursue as a student? Or this is something you want to do in the club? You will need to clarify the position of that statement in your response. By the way? What is the maximum word count requirement for this prompt? Knowing that will help us to better develop your essay with you.

I agree with Mualla about needing an effective hook for your essay. That can only come from removing your first two sentences and adjusting the third sentence to become the opening sentence instead. Refer to the following example:

I am attracted to GAtech because of the opportunity to learn from a globalized form of education that only GAtech offers its students. Aside from simply learning codes, I can travel the world without having to leave my campus. Joining the Anime O-tekku club...

I omitted the reference to the French romance because there was no solid basis or connection between that information and the campus. You need to refer directly to how you can experience that. If you can't leave it out.

@Holt
Thank you, it helps. I will revise.

That is a topic of the reseach and maximun is 150.

@Holt
@mualla
Thank you.
Does it seem better?

Computer Science is a brilliant game that takes my interest because it is a common language around the world but develops differently in different culture, so I am attracted to GAtech because of the opportunity to learn from a globalized education that only GAtech offers. Aside from learning code, I value different experience being immersed in the cathartic culture in Lorraine . Joining the Anime O-tekku club about Japanese culture also attracts me because I am now learning Japanese. When I know the beauty and trouble of the world, I will have more beautiful creations solving real-world problems. Additionally, it fascinates me to acquire knowledge in practice. In GAtech, URCO broadens students' post-grad research opportunities， among which I will strive for the research "Designing a Collaborative Web Game for middle school students", because I enjoy adding ideas of entertainment and art to the codes.

@Bennyoooo

Hi,

I think this is good but I found grammar mistakes. Hope these suggestions are helpful.

...in different cultures,.so I am attracted to GAtech because of theit would give me the opportunity to learn from a globalized education that only GAtech offers .

Aside from learning codemy interest in programming , I value different experiencecultures; I would love tobeing immersedimmerse myself in the cathartic culture in Lorraine.

Joining theThe

...knowam informed about the beauty and troubletroubles of the world, I willwould be able to more beautiful creations solving real-world problemsunderstand real world problems and create better programs.

InAt GAtech, the

which I will strive to take part infor the....

If you are not short on the word count, I definitely believe you can wrap the last sentence in a more engaging way. You can leave the reader thinking about your supplement in a nice way, kind of like a hook. Your last sentence now is good but can improve.

Like I always say, my corrections are always suggestions. Overall, I think this is pretty solid considering that you have successfully tied your own interests to the school. There were a couple parts that needed revision in wording, I tried my best; hope they are helpful-:)

Benny, please consider removing the reference to the Japanese club. From the way I read the essay now, the club is an extra curricular activity that does not tie in directly with the academic nature of your interest. More importantly, it raises the question, "Why study about Japanese culture in the U.S?" Somehow the inclusion doesn't make sense at this point. I think it would be better if you just focus on the actual organizations, clubs, and areas of study that relate directly to your major or field of interest so that the response is more focused on what you can actually take away from GAtech that relates to something tangible and useful to you in terms of your future career.