My Voice
Tenth grade was a time of big change in my life. I was on the second half of my six-inch growth spurt, making new friends, discovering my love for school, and more than anything else, I was learning how to express myself.
It started during English class that year. My teacher, Mr. Berman, asked us to write analytical essays-like all of the other English teachers I'd had. I didn't really like to write analytical essays. Looking for different quotes in books, trying to impose my idea of their 'deeper' meaning through an essay, and then being graded on it has never been my thing. Mr. Berman's class was different, for every dull essay we wrote, we also had to include a reflection on things we learned from writing it. This was the first time a teacher had asked me to tell him what I was really thinking. I wrote my reflections not just on the papers, but also on the class in general. After a few reflections, I decided that he didn't seem to mind my tangents, so I began to reflect on my life in general. Sometimes I told him what I was doing outside of class, like discovering my passion for non-fiction books or making my own clothes, sometimes I'd talk about random things, like my love of peppermint ice cream in the winter and the love story I made for a doodle of mine, entitled "Confused Giraffe and Small Dancing Fox". Once, I talked about my love of Christmas and included a doodle called "Christmas Octopus". Though I sometimes gave him more random thoughts than ones on writing, he kept giving me positive feedback. He made me feel like my quirks could be more than just the scattered thoughts inside my head. The problem then was that I was still afraid my classmates wouldn't appreciate my ideas the way he did.
At first I never wanted to speak up during class. I didn't want my opinions out there for people to judge. I had a hard time expressing myself the way I sounded in my head. Mr. Berman let me put my ideas onto paper, which helped me develop my voice. Slowly, I began sharing my ideas with the whole class because I felt I could better express the personality I have inside. I volunteered to read my stories in class (like the one about an awkward teenager named Hal) and I raised my hand high to offer my opinion on writing styles. As I expressed myself, I found that my classmates were also supportive of my quirks. Now I like when people know how crazy I am, because then instead of being the shy, quiet girl in class, they can see my real personality-the kooky, thoughtful girl in class. Embracing my eccentricities and neurosis has me feel more comfortable in my own skin, which is more exciting than anything else I can think of.
I thought the essay was very good, a couple instances of awkward wording but other than that, great job!! I made some changes that I couldn't figure out how to highlight, so make sure you read through the whole thing to see where I edited
you say "like all the other English teachers I'd had". you should change it to "I had". contractions do not look good in a college essay.
Talk about how u could fit into the college community, this will strengthen your essay
I love the idea but i feel like u should put more of the show not tell aspect into your essay. I feel like it could bring more power into the essay as a whole, make the reader feel just as u felt. I hope I could help:)
That's exactly what I'm changing right now! Thanks!
Sometimes I told him what I was doing outside of class, like discovering my passion for non-fiction books or making my own clothes, sometimes I'd talk about random things, like my love of peppermint ice cream in the winter and the love story I made for a doodle of mine, entitled "Confused Giraffe and Small Dancing Fox".
I'm pretty sure that this is a run-on. Your splicing the two sometimes phrases together with the weak little comma and I don't think that it's taking the strain well. :)
Too lazy to go into any more specifics but in general, this is a really great idea and what makes the essay special that you're writing about how you couldn't express your ideas at one point in your life and that almost paradoxical point makes your essay all the more interesting to read. However, I think that instead of telling the OA funny little stories about your experiences like you would with your friends, talk more about how you have changed since then and how your teacher helped you along with that. Maybe some plans about the future or college? Goals? How finally being able to voice your opinions will help you to do something that otherwise would have been difficult to do?
Also, look at the anatomy of your essay. If you have experience in writing analytical essays, you know that the teacher loves putting "too much summary, moar analysis!" You're retelling too much of your life without the significance. The first paragraph is filled with summary while the second needs more insightful analysis.
Oh, just a sort of footnote, (hope ur not too tired of me) leave out really, really specific stories that don't really matter too much. I wrote my reflections not just on the papers, but also on the class in general. After a few reflections, I decided that he didn't seem to mind my tangents, so I began to reflect on my life in general. Sometimes I told him what I was doing outside of class, like discovering my passion for non-fiction books or making my own clothes, sometimes I'd talk about random things, like my love of peppermint ice cream in the winter and the love story I made for a doodle of mine, entitled "Confused Giraffe and Small Dancing Fox". Once, I talked about my love of Christmas and included a doodle called "Christmas Octopus". Though I sometimes gave him more random thoughts than ones on writing, he kept giving me positive feedback. He made me feel like my quirks could be more than just the scattered thoughts inside my head. This could be condensed to about a third of the length. Boil the essay down a bit and maybe you'll get more space to add in more meat. :D
Thanks for bearing with me btw.