Choose an issue of importance to you--- the issue could be personal, school related, political, or international in scope--- and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
The biggest small
In 16 years I constructed a desire in pursuing success, in 2 hours and 45 minutes, it torn like a selling drugs contract being shredded by a teenager making decisions for his future. It was a movie called 3 idiots and it made me feel a familiar sensation. It is curious that people usually finds their purpose in life with life experiences, travels on train or trips to unknown places. I found mine in a gather of scenes mixed with music, sounds, and a container with popcorn. Do not pursue success, pursue excellence, and success will come by itself.
It was late evening and my heart and mind were being dug unconsciously. It all started with 3 students who met in a university of engineering. The first one is incredibly intelligent and passionate in learning; the second one was there because of his parent's pressure, and the third one to lead his family into a better economic situation. Touching an electrified fence would make a sensation similar to what I felt when I realized that I was each one of them.
Plenty of people, me included, somehow behave also as the fourth one, who is the top student and impresses teachers because he memorizes information one day before tests, and participates in classes with the intention of showing that he is erudite. He's only purpose is to have money and power, the fake success. Sadly, is the kind of success that me, and a big part of our world is pursuing. Consequently what this world gets are teachers with apathy toward students, doctors who do not help out of working hours or engineers who detest math.
The impact of the movie in my life was incredible, my beliefs and actions changed entirely and it made me want to motivate others and show them what I had learned; if a movie did this to me, it should not be too difficult to do it to others. Imagining a world full of people performing passions and following excellence is imagining a perfect world. Students motivated by teachers, unconditional doctors, and clients not afraid of the honesty of a lawyer. With a little help we can see our world finally reaching the happiness that is lacking and, to see that happening, I will fight all that I can.
That day, a message got planted in my heart when at the end the passionate student taught his 2 friends and the "erudite" that we must pursue our passions, and excellence, success itself will follow us just because of that. After that evening I started to enjoy the school much more and my grades started to get better even though I was not even worried about them, my only worries were just learning with passion, and pursuing my dreams. It is because of experience that I believe that our world can do the same; it deserves people who love what they do, perhaps we just need a boring evening and a movie, or perhaps the smile of a kid eager to learn, or the smell of the forest or maybe the breeze of the sea to realize that our world is more than a check in the pocket, and that small things do make a change.
Every skyscraper starts with a few bricks, or an essay for a college application.
So what do you all think? if you help me to idetify as many erros as you can I will be so thankful, I NEED an outstanding essay in order to get scholarships and be admitted.
I highly appreciate your help!
Have a great one, Jorge
My adice and comments below:
- im not quite sure what your trying to say here "in 2 hours and 45 minutes, it torn like a selling drugs contract being shredded by a teenager making decisions for his future. It was a movie called 3 idiots and it made me feel a familiar sensation. " maybe explain more clearly or elaborate
-replace gather with group
-i think overall i think you need to be more clear to the reader and organize it more, pretend like your the reader never seeing this movie
Ok that's a HUGE help, that first message is like an analogy but I was afraid exactly of that, being unclear, it says that somebody is shredding a contract for selling drugs, I wanted to picture somebody noticing that was doing something wrong just to get money (selling drugs) but it changed his mind and that's why is shredding the paper, and it was the movie called 3 idiots what made me change, you know? that is the main idea of the essay, but I should not have to explain it so that tells me that I have to clarify that more,
thanks for the advice on the word.
And I greatly appreciate the overall tip, I will try to do that, thanks a lot!
This essay is a bit shady but i understood what you were saying... but i agree with the other person you must fix that problem
Yeah I see that I definitely need to fix it, i'm thinking that it's not clear at all, it's probably because I know the whole movie I think that is understandable, I'm going to go ahead and try to do what lilyraquel52 said. Thanks a lot!
I do not like the introduction paragraph. It is confusing when it says, "In 16 years I constructed a desire in pursuing success, in 2 hours and 45 minutes, it torn like a selling drugs contract being shredded by a teenager making decisions for his future. It was a movie called 3 idiots and it made me feel a familiar sensation."
I would revise it to maybe explaining what your talking about.
Also as your explaining about the three students, im not quite sure how that fit in. Maybe if elaborating on the opening sentence a lot more, I would understand where these three students came into play. Other than that I sort of understand where your going with the essay. To have excellence and true passion about learning will bring success. I like the overall main topic just work on being more explanative about where you are coming from with the movie thing.
Those are really good observations, my essay is a lot different now I'm going to post it soon, thank you very much, I'll include in what you just said
2/5 - The essay has several grammatical errors and it is just generally off topic - it's not "bad", but it doesn't fit the question they asked of you.
The prompt requests you write about an issue of importance to you. You seem to be discussing how your learned what proper priorities are in life - I'm not sure if that's what you should be mentioning, keeping the prompt in mind.
If you have plenty of time, I think you should rewrite this essay. You need to focus on crafting an essay that specifically addresses what the prompt asks. Colleges generally prefer to see students follow directions rather than oppose them.
Here's what you should think about in order to get a new topic:
What do you value the most? What have you done in your life that proves your commitment to the issue?
Generally, an essay response to this topic will talk about something highly personal or controversial. The admission officers want to see your take on something and what you are doing about it.
If you can get back to me with a list of what you feel is important and valuable in life, we can work together to craft an effective essay. Because you mentioned that you believe the main theme of your essay is the bad that can be caused by money, I don't think that fits the prompt because it doesn't seem like a positive thing you'd value.
Good luck with the revisions - I hope you choose to consider some other ideas! The community is always willing to help.
Wow, i'm speechless, SO much work was put in that essay, and even though I have only one week to finish 2 more and this is the first one, I think that you are right, I'am so shocked.
The issue that I was trying to state in my essay is that we affect our world when choosing the wrong paths just for money, that is why of the teachers with apathy and that part of the essay, but you are right, I mean, maybe I'm not very clear in what they are asking and I believe that rather than seeing how I changed with this and how I think that the people should act, they want to see me addressing a REAL issue and taking part of it, that is what you are saying, right? man I'm like in the floor right now for real took me, literally hours. But, since I'm consient of change for better since is the thing that actually is in my essay, i'm more than willing to change it, if you help me a little bit I would be SO GRATEFUL MAN, let's see.
The things that I value the most are:
Education.
Friends.
Sports.
Help people in need.
Music, I play the guitar by the way
Man I'm blank, are those the kind of stuff that you are referring to? the tiredness is going to kill me
and what have I done, I think that I need to understand a little bit more what should I refer to. thank you so much man, you REALLY don't know how grateful I am.
by the way the full prompt is this one:
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
Be good, Jorge
I remember reading your short answer questions. You seemed to communicate an appreciation for your opportunities in America as well as the effort that your parents are putting in towards bettering both your and their lives - regardless of all the excuses and setbacks they have to not put forth effort.
I think it would be great if you talked about how important opportunity is for you and your family. You could communicate that, when given a chance, you and your family can achieve great things.
You could potentially compare opportunity in the United States versus your previous country and express how grateful you are for the chance and how critical it is to your life plan.
You could say something like this:
My entire life, I have desired to achieve (this, this and this); however, the situation in (location) prevented me from doing so. My family's move to the United States gave me opportunity - I would be able to achieve (this, this, and this).
I think an essay similar to the one above would be better. You would talk about an important social issue - the issue of opportunity and how it compares in various locations, as well as how it is so important in terms of what you plan to achieve - these achievements could be related to you, family, and friends (or something else).
What do you think of this plan? If you like it, what three things do you think the opportunity that the United States provides would best help you with?
There you go again, suddenly you come up with perfection, where do you get all of this from?, you're more than amazing man, I'm serious, you got the perfect essay for me even though, well yeah, it's me.
The first opportunity I would have to say that is economic possibilities and job opportunities
The second would be a quality education
And the third one could be the language, learning one that is one of the most world-spoken languages
I need to think carefully how to approach to the issue, I totally do NOT want to waste more time, thank-you-very-much I appreciate your help you have no idea how much
Almost forgot, these are all of the prompts:
Topic A: REQUIRED (no essay on file)
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
Topic B: REQUIRED (no essay on file)
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
Enter Topic B
Topic C: optional (no essay on file)
There may be personal information that you want considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.
It's worthless to think in a possibility to adapt my previous essay to one of these prompts, right? I was thinking about the last one but, I think that would be more powerful if I address the difficulty of learning a language with a lack of time
THANK YOU
Yeah, I don't see an application for your previous essay. That's okay though - writing takes time.
I'm not sure how I can help you with essay A because I don't know any people who have impacted you, but I agree with your idea regarding topic C. I think you could address the difficulties of learning a language - especially when you have to apply it constantly rather than just selectively like I do when i take Spanish classes at school. For the last essay you'll probably want to have a theme regarding how, even with your language difficulties, you still have an unwavering desire to succeed and make an impact.
For Topic B, remember that it would probably be best to discuss both advantages of opportunity in the United States as well as disadvantages elsewhere. Apply each one of your points to both of the two countries. At the end of the essay, you might want to include a paragraph about what you can do to help in parts of the world other than the United States in order to extend all the opportunity that you have had (in relation to your 3 points) to the people of those foreign countries.
Post your next draft(s) when you're finished. It might be tomorrow until I see the next one, but I'll be around for awhile here.
Regarding your question on how I am able to come up with all of this advice -
I'm not sure really. People have told me I'm good at writing over the past few years, but I think my ability to help stems more from my unique perspective on life. The most common piece of advice I offer is to attack the prompt and provide some sort of unique experience that shows preparation and initiative. Those pieces of advice are directly related to what I think defines a successful person. We need more people in the world that are willing to take it upon themselves, not others, in order to do what they want to achieve. We need people that don't boast about academic accomplishments; we need people that apply their skills to bettering both their life and the lives of others.
It looks like I'm taking care of the "better the lives of others" part of my life plan. I'll improve upon my on life when I own a business later on.
Over the past few weeks I've decided to take initiative. I'll be applying to college in two years or so, so I needed to show what I've been doing. I enjoy politics and economics, so I started a blog on it. I am not only able to write but I am also able to help with writing, so I came here.
Sometimes it's best to think of every action as part of a greater, better plan.
It's great that you're continually improving upon your work and making the effort to take feedback and implement it into a spectacular essay. Again, good luck.. You don't need it though because you have dedication and hard work.
I'm back! It took me a while because of the school work that I was doing but here it is, it sucks, but, it's a try! What do you all think?
My entire life, I have desired to build the foundations of my family's future with strong holders, it directly includes our Nation, which I want to build as well; however, the situation in MĂŠxico - my country of birth - has prevented me for doing so. My family's move to the United States brought to me the opportunity; I would be able to contribute in the developing of our Nation, and consequently, the future of my family. With higher quality in education, better job opportunity, and more promising future, the possibilities increase in a high percent the fact of big achievement.
Every country is a world; the opportunities in each place are different due to economic resources and culture owned. The United States is a first world country, MĂŠxico is not, that is factor that influences aspects as education, work, and life expectancy. In MĂŠxico, I would have had the opportunity of attending high rated universities, but the rate of employment after them is low, which could have made me doubt in whether pursuing a degree or not. The United States, in the contrary, has high employment rates, and better educational level which is critical for me to excel and be more capable of achieving my goals.
The difference in languages as well as the lifestyle makes difficult the establishment of life in another country. However, these are challenges that me and plenty of people take to achieve goals and succeed. At the same time, these challenges make us grow in capability and dare us to desire higher ones. That comes up with the fact that people of foreign countries can make stronger a Nation, because the diversity of cultures makes a country desirable for the amazement that they can bring to us, and the difficulty of assimilation that we face makes us grow and be capable of facing demanding tasks.
It is important to focus on what we receive to be motivated to give back. My desire is to support people of foreign countries who can demonstrate desire to contribute in the construction of a more perfect Nation. We must be conscious that talent is getting wasted due to the factors that prevent people in developing countries, and that with the help that they need, our Nation grows and becomes stronger with capable people. I am grateful for the opportunities that this country has gave me, I am eager to give them to others who can take advantage of them to contribute to the growth of the United States, and the world.
Opportunities and life standards differ from one country to another, that fact gives developed countries the gift of diversity, which I believe makes a country powerful, and beautiful. We as a community must be thankful for that opportunities and desire to give them to others as well, in that way we can contribute to the growth of our Nations and create better ones for our descendants. I have faced many difficulties and realized that the fact that our World is not even everywhere, might seem a curse, or a blessing. It is a blessing in my belief, because it helps to create achievers and fighters, strong nations, and promising futures.
I am still working on title, I don't know yet, any suggestions?
Thank you all you make this site the best!
Your essay is getting better. There are a few grammatical issues we can correct, but I think you need to revise the content. You indicate in the first paragraph that you will be discussing education, job opportunities, and a more promising future, yet I don't see those three points in the paragraphs below. You need to focus on one main point in each paragraph rather than including a broad discussion of the issue.
I think you have solid ideas - you just need to structure the essay better.
After that's done, re-post the new draft and we can look for issues with grammar.
Got it you're right, I guess that I was taking the issue so general, that's why that happened, I'll do it tomorrow, thank you!
OK that's my other draft, I hope that it got better, what do you all think about it? please let me know as soon as possible, I have two more essays and the application is due next thursday
by the way I still cannot find a tittle for it, any suggestions?
With higher quality in education, better job opportunity, and more promising future, the possibilities increase in a high percent the fact of big achievement.
From this sentence, it seems like you will discuss education, job opportunity, and a more promising future. I need to see more than three sentences about each. I like your conclusion paragraph for the most part.
Your content and structure is getting better, but it still needs some work. Try to follow a structure like this:
Introduction:You can keep one similar to what you have now. I like the first sentence, but you need to improve upon your sentence that previews what the essay will discuss. I like the ideas of education and job opportunity, but a more promising future is just too vague. Try to find a better idea.
The ending sentence will look something like this:
Higher education quality, increased job opportunity, and [new idea] all give me the opportunity that I did not have in Mexico. (Regarding Mexico: You can spell it in the English way or the Spanish way - just make sure you're consistent throughout the essay.)
Paragraph 1: EducationI like how you are comparing education in Mexico and the United States. You could probably be a bit more specific and detailed about both.
Paragraph 2: Job OpportunityI don't like how you just give statistics about the economy as a whole. Give a personal discussion about what the job-seeking process would look like in Mexico, and compare it to the process in the United States.
Paragraph 3: [New Idea] - It should be the best idea, too. The best always comes last.Include a personal compare/contrast discussion. Make it specific to you.
Conclusion:I am very thankful for the opportunity that the United States has been able to offer me. [Link together all three of the ideas, and discuss how they all help you increase opportunity.] [Give a discussion about how, without the opportunity that the United States provides, you would be unable to achieve your goals.] That is why opportunity is so important to me.
[End Conclusion]
Remember the essay prompt is an issue of importance to you. You need to make sure to tie in that concept at the introduction and the conclusion.
I don't think this revision should be as long as some of the others. You just need to make sure to include a bit more content and make the essay structure perfect. After that we can take a look at grammar. Unlike most people, you actually have quite a bit of time!
Good luck.
Ok I will work on that and post my next draft soon, probably in the evening, honestly, i'm going to miss the deadline, anyways I want to finish my essays because is a purpose that I have, I will apply for another college, I guess, this things happen :/, by the way thank you very much, you don't really know how I appreciate your unconditional help.
Very best of luck, Jorge
This is much better. I can edit for grammar tomorrow.
Yeah well the deadline passed already but I'm still submitting this essay for other applications so I would appreciate that, thank you
Don't worry about that and THANK YOU! You are awesome man! this helps a lot, thanks!
