Billionaire Boys Club - Common App Essay Prompt One HELP

Prompt: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Essay: My name is Aric Fulton. I'm a 17 year old soon-to-be early graduate from Morton Senior High School in Hammond, IN.
I currently run my own street wear t-shirt (clothing) line called "RVRE vision". RVRE vision is a street wear brand created and ran entirely by me. The design, creative direction, packing orders, promotion, and marketing; is all done by me.

All of my middle school days were rough times for me. I was attending a school whose students and faculty did not really value diversity and being different. These students who were not the "same" were rather labeled as outcasts. I was faced with bullies everyday.

I got into design when I was in the eighth grade. Around that time I was constantly trying to pick up new stuff from several stores. I was also collecting limited edition pieces of clothing from brands (like STUSSY, supreme, Billionaire Boys Club, etc.,). Then I realized just buying this stuff wasn't enough. I wanted to make it myself. So, my only escape from these feelings of isolation were to work on designs, for my at this time, non-existent clothing line. Because I had no money at the time I could only design and not have anything produced. But, I was saving up my money day by day and this quickly changed.

Halfway through Freshman year, I had saved up enough money to have my very first release of clothes. I had two t-shirts released three months apart) with original graphic designs made by me.

This time in my life really helped me understand you can accomplish everything you put your mind to through adversity as long as you remain confident and stay true to who you are.

conclusion sucks /:

Aric, you want to know what stood out for me while I was reading your background story? I was drawn in by your story of being a young entrepreneur. The fact that you are a high school student who already owns and runs a "successful" business definitely made this essay stand out from the rest. You should build upon that background story instead of presenting the generic and common stories about bullying and lack of diversity in your environment.

Tell us your background. Describe in better detail how you became the successful young man that you are. Explain the struggles that you went through as a start-up that helped build your character and sense of responsibility to yourself and commitment to your work. Set yourself apart from the other candidates by offering up a background story of success rather than overcoming failure. Give the reviewer the hope that, should he decide to take a chance on you by recommending you for admission, he will not have made a mistake because you have the foundation to succeed in whatever it is that you want to do with your life. Be the story of the winner who applied to college and got in.

My name is Aric Fulton. I'm a 17 year old soon-to-be early graduate from Morton Senior High School in Hammond, IN. (no need to introduce yourself as they have your information)

I currently run my own street wear t-shirt (clothing) (redudant) line called "RVRE vision". RVRE vision is a street wear brand created and ran entirely by me. The design, creative direction, packing orders, promotion, and marketing; is all done by me.

All of my middle school days were rough times for me. I was attending a school whose students and faculty did not really value diversity and being different. These students who were not the "same" were rather labeled as outcasts. I was faced with bullies everyday. (why is this important?)

I got into design when I was in the eighth grade (how?).

This is such a creative background but you need to expand on this so much more. Start with the development of your t-shirt line (how did you get into design? why did you get into design? where did the idea of starting a line come from?) then talk about its status (is it successful? is it struggling?) then conclude with how that process has impacted you. Expand in detail because I know there's more to know then just that.

Definitely agree with Vangiespen and Kerry!

I would talk more about the company for sure. What does RVRE Vision mean or stand for? What's the significance of the name? What were the struggles you faced while creating and starting this brand? How did you overcome those hardships? What kinds of things did you do to earn the money to release the shirts? How were the shirts released? You also mention specific brands. I would discuss why those brands were special to you. Was it the design? The quality of the clothing? The values of the company or what the clothing stood for?. When/ how/ why did you realize just buying stuff wasn't enough? As Kerry said, expand more on the effect creating this line has had on you. How have you changed since you started? How are you different? How are you better? It must have been really challenging, and you are definitely able to portray the success story well if you compose it right.

"RVRE vision" is a line of street wear t-shirts that I founded and currently run. I am in charge of making decisions related to design, creative direction, promotion and marketing. Not only am I running the company, but I continue to do all of the day to day functions such as packing and shipping orders. Here is where you can expand more about the process and the company, how it's affected you, etc...

The time came where it wasn't enough for me to simply purchase clothing; I wanted to create it myself. Even though I didn't have the means to create a clothing line at that time, I was determined to work hard and save money. What kind of work did you do, other than making designs and saving money? I assume you had to contact people in order to release you designs.

The first thing that stuck out to me was that at the beginning of the essay, three sentences in a row ended with "me". This may be something that solely sticks out to myself, however, I would consider doing some reorganization of each sentence so that the final word is not the same for three sentences in a row.