biology, physics, and engineering, JHU- why this major, why JHU essay

Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this supplement, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

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I was a naive researcher, unaware of the intricacies involved in molecular biology, underestimating the smartness of the bacteria, the DNA, the methods-I thought I could outrun it with the research and studying I'd done. I carefully micropipetted the solution into the vial, hoping that everything would go smoothly. With that in mind, I began the (bacterial) transformation.

It had been over an hour, and waiting was quite an excruciating activity (such is the life of a researcher). The three week effort had boiled down to this moment in time-please Mr. PCR machine, don't fail me. It bothered me that I had to depend on this machine to produce the climactic outcome of the experiment, but I remained optimistic in hopes that the results would be to my liking. The process was finally complete. My fingers were trembling and my mind was bartering with itself about what to do if the procedure failed, but I walked over nervously to the PCR machine. After confirming my results with the brilliant (hues of) gel electrophoresis, I knew the transformation was successful. I was elated and terrified at the same time. This small step invited in new possibilities, greater knowledge, more risks-all contributing to a greater transformation, my transformation.

Fast forward two years. I am still in the lab, this time with the tobacco mosaic virus, carefully engineering a plant's immune system to make it stronger. I'm no longer the inexperienced researcher was. I went from scratching my head at each abstract idea to delving in the language of research, recounting my results to my biology teacher, my friends, or my parents. The lab is my niche and without even thinking twice, my world is now measured with conversions, micropipette tips, agarose gel, and bacterial colonies. I welcome it with open arms, embracing the challenge to assimilate into this newfound world, where even mistakes contribute to a greater finding.

The prospect of bioengineering, being able to manipulate these microbiological beings, fascinates me. I hope to catalyze my growth as a researcher, a scientist, and a person at Johns Hopkins University under the department of Biomedical Engineering. Although my ultimate goal is to become a physician, I think it's essential that I have the engineering expertise to analyze and solve problems in biology and medicine, providing an overall enhancement of health care. I've chosen this path to medicine because I want to be of service to people and to partake in the excitement of working with living systems. In high school, I attempted to expand my horizons by completing a research project each year from the realms of plant biology to the environmental sciences. Nothing amazes me more than our human capability to find cures and alleviate pain through the art of bioengineering.

Johns Hopkins' interdisciplinary approach to education is what makes us so compatible. I want to engage with the world on an educational level and experience learning beyond the classroom setting. The broad undergraduate research opportunities at Johns Hopkins also appeal to my love for research. I hope that some day I will be able to contribute to research at this top university to be a part of the integration of biology, physics, and engineering in order to revolutionize the biosciences. Johns Hopkins is a forum of intellectual spirit, allowing for self discovery. I want to exercise my imagination, engage myself at the frontiers of knowledge and go beyond norms-- something which only Johns Hopkins can fulfill. Contributing to this institute of education would be an honor, and representing it would be a privilege.

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Please shred this essay. I appreciate all the help I can get. Thank you to all those who took the time to read this and/or comment.

In the first paragraph I'm not sure if the word "smartness" is correct. Would the term "complexity" be better?
In the second paragraph, way too many parentheses. Frankly, these break up the readers train of thought, and not in a good way too. The phrase "in hopes" should be cut as it is unneeded. And I firmly believe that the semicolon at the end is grammatically wrong.

In the third paragraph at the end you say "where even mistakes are accepted". Are you implying that mistakes are not accepted elsewhere? I'm confused.

The fourth seems fine.
As for the fifth paragraph, I just have one pet peeve to talk about. You use the word "amalgamation". This isn't exactly good. That word is often seen as a red flag indicating extensive dictionary use by the writer. In short, you might want to change your choice of words.

I also have some general advice. It is usually better to base your college essays around a story of some kind. You might want to do that in this essay.

Thank you for the feedback. I've made the changes you noted. I felt like I did have a story of some sort in the essay, explaining my transformation as a researcher through my experiences in a lab. Did that not come across correctly?

What else can I do to improve the overall message? Also, does the essay answer the prompt sufficiently?

Actually, I think "smartness" is a better word choice because it conveys a sense of humor ... i mean bacterias are smart.

I really enjoyed reading this essay (your conclusion was very well written).

And yes, I noticed the transformation. But I have one suggestion, in the beginning of the essay, make it more explicit that it "was" a while ago that you were a "naive researcher". Cause that will build on the transformer a bit easier because some people might miss the first sentence of the essay.

I am applying to JH too. I hope we both make it!

Thank you for your advice iRunShow. I know what you mean when you say that I should make the "past tense" more explicit in the beginning paragraphs. I tried to do that, but it sounded awkward. I use past tense in the first two paragraphs as opposed to the third one. In addition, I say "fast forward two years..."

Is that good enough to let the reader know that the first half was in the past?