BIOLOGY; Queen's 2012 PSE/ My goals for my time there

In an essay of 300 words, or fewer (approximately 1950 characters with spaces), write about your goals for your time at Queen's University and beyond.

I am still unsure about the conclusion and the second last paragraph...it seems a little too cliche
Is there anything else i can do to edit this?

Inspiration can be found anywhere. It can be exhilarating--mysterious even--to be constantly learning from our surroundings, especially within the natural world. Throughout my experiences, I have come to realize that 'the study of organic life', biology, has been the place I turn to for my inspiration.

For me, biology is not arcane knowledge hidden within moldy textbooks. Biology is the bobbing of a canoe and soaring hawks. Biology is the feeling of elation when entering Gwaii Haanas National Park-- Canada's 'tropical rainforest' -- to study its rugged beauty and rich ecology. Biology is the catalyst for many of my aspirations. Undoubtedly, I want this passion to one day inspire future generations and make a difference in the world as a Queen's alumnus.

Ernest Hemingway once said, "It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end." Countless individuals who have demonstrated their dedication to the natural world through efforts in ecological rehabilitation during my 'journey' as an Ontario Ranger, and my role within the Macdonald Environmental Action Council, and Live Green Toronto has inspired me to make a difference. As a deeply involved student, I would like to contribute to Queen's dynamic atmosphere through organizations such as Queen's Arts and Science Undergraduate Society. I would like continue making a strong environmental impact within the community. It is the 'journey' here where I want to encounter inspirations of all sorts, be it from professors, fellow students, or volunteering with the Alma Mater Society.

My adventure will not end after receiving my Bachelors degree, however. I strive to fulfill my childhood aspiration: to understand what life is, and to be able to make the best out of it. I believe that guided with a powerful passion, with Queen's experience as my foundation, I will be able to achieve all my goals and more.

I like your essay, but it seems very general. If you replace Queen's with another University's name, you would still get an understandable essay. What makes Queen's unique to you? Why do you want to be at Queen's in particular?

Also, try to vary your sentence structure. Don't use "I would like" consecutively. Alternatively, if you DO want to use them consecutively, follow the rules of three. Use it three times, no more no less.

This is a run-on sentence. Try to break it up.

Countless individuals who have demonstrated their dedication to the natural world through efforts in ecological rehabilitation during my 'journey' as an Ontario Ranger, and my role within the Macdonald Environmental Action Council, and Live Green Toronto has inspired me to make a difference.

Wanna look at my Queen's essay too? :D

I really liked the Hemingway quote you used! However I think you should elaborate more on how it relates to Queens, i.e. how will Queens help make your journey matter to you. I feel like you could go more in depth with it.

Other than that, I think it's very well written, clear and concise (:

Good luck!

Thank you very much!

@Kitsumi
Where do you think i would be able to insert what makes Queen's...Queen's?
Also, do you think the conclusion is too vague too or atleast a little too cliche?

*Sorry, I ask a lot of questions out of curiousity and because i really want to improve on this essay

Kouteri
I researched Queen's Commerce program, so I won't be able to tell you much about Biology. But I do know that there are some international exchange programs, and I believe (this may be the wrong school) that Queen's offer an environmental biology major with some university in Singapore? I found stuff by pulling everything from the homepage, really. I haven't noticed in my first go-around, but where did your "childhood aspiration: to understand what life is" come from? It's coming a little bit out of the blue.

Other than that though, the conclusion is fine. Better than my definition essay's, at any rate.

I think "to" should be in that sentence.
I would like to continue making a strong environmental impact within the community.

Run-on sentence, corrected like so:
I believe that guided with a powerful passion ,withand Queen's experience as my foundation, I will be able to achieve all my goals and more.

Can I get your opinion of my essay back please?

I agree with @Kitsumi also, run-on sentence.

Countless individuals who have demonstrated their dedication to the natural world through efforts in ecological rehabilitation during my 'journey' as an Ontario Ranger has inspired me to make a difference. This inspiration grew stronger after my involvement within the Macdonald Environmental Action Council and Live Green Toronto.

However you want to word it.

I will definitely get back to both of your essays soon! Thank you very much! I am still open to anything and everything! :D

Being an Ontario Ranger, I learned that inspiration can be found anywhere. It can be exhilarating--mysterious even--to be constantly learning from our surroundings, especially within the natural world. Meeting countless individuals who have demonstrated their dedication to the natural world through efforts in ecological rehabilitation, I have come to realize that 'the study of organic life', biology, has been the place I turn to for my inspiration.

More than arcane knowledge hidden within moldy textbooks, for me biology is the bobbing of a canoe and soaring hawks. Biology is the feeling of elation when entering Gwaii Haanas National Park to study its rugged beauty and rich ecology. Biology is the catalyst for many of my aspirations. My role within the Macdonald Environmental Action Council and Live Green Toronto has inspired me to make a difference. It is my intention to continue making a strong environmental impact with my fervour for biology.

Ernest Hemingway once said, "It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end." During the open house event, I fell in love with Queen's campus and traditions. The international programs and array of biological disciplines was simply fascinating. It is my intention to apply my initiative to Queen's University community by taking part in student groups such as the AMS and Queen's Arts and Science Undergraduate Society. It is this 'journey' to Queen's where I expect to encounter new inspiration of all sorts--be it from professors, fellow students, or volunteering initiatives--that will lead me towards my career.

My adventure will not end after receiving my Bachelors degree, however. I believe that guided by a powerful passion and Queen's experience as my foundation, I will be able to achieve my ambition: to one day inspire future generations and make a difference in the world as a Queen's alumnus.

Do you think this is a better version? I'm not sure if i should include the last few words ('As a Queen's Alumnus')...

The international programs and array of biological disciplines are simply fascinating (because I'm assuming that you still find them to be fascinating? )
Elaborate more here. Do you have any particular biology major you want to go into? Any particular exchange program you're interested in?

It is my intention to apply my initiative to Queen's University community by taking part in student groups such as the AMS and Queen's Arts and Science Undergraduate Society

I liked your first draft's part better. It's just personal preference though.
I will contribute to Queen's dynamic atmosphere by taking part in student groups such as the AMS and Queen's Arts and Science Undergraduate Society

I like your last sentence, keep the Queen's Alumus. It gives you more connections to Queen's.

International program wise, i am just interested in the biology field experience abroad. Should i replace the 'international' part with the field experience?

I don't really have a specific field but i really am surprised by the amount of choices though!

Thank you very much!

Yeah. It's always better to be specific when writing application essays, they really want to see that you've researched them.

Something's not sitting right with me here.


Maybe... "Biology is more than arcane knowledge hidden within mouldy textbooks. For me, biology is..."
Also, mouldy is the Canadian way of spelling. Learn something new everyday.

Everything else flows really well though! I like your diction, it creates some nice imagery.

Thank you very much for your help! I wish you luck with your Queen's PSE too!