Hi everyone, I just finished my common essay and it's a little bit more long than the requirement (650 words). I don't sure whether this essay is appropriate as a common app. I really need yor HELP!!
Please take a look at this essay, any comments and advise are welcomed!!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! have a nice day:-)
PROMPT: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
I can feel how precious it was when I realized I had grown up at that time, completing the transition from childhood to adulthood.
When I was only eight years old, my father decided to work far from home for whole family's living, the only cost is coming back home only twice a year. I was too young to accept this unexpected and sudden decision at that time; I thought he did not love me anymore and left me. No matter how many times mother explained to me that father just went out to find better job opportunities, and all these he did was for us, his leaving still haunted me and I could not help blaming him for this departure.
Whenever I saw parents sent their children to school delightedly, and I only had my mother with me, I could not stop asking myself, why I cannot own this "prestigious"? Whenever there was a sport meeting, I felt that I was the only one unable to get encouragement from father...Clearly I did not understand how important for him to support a whole family; I barely blamed him for not accompanying me as a little girl needed her father's love most. The only way made him know my feelings is to give a cold shoulder to him, never called and concerned him unless he gave me a phone call. He did not know how to respond to my aloof attitude, for all he could do is to work harder and to help me and mother live better, which gradually formed an insurmountable barrier between father and me.
However, things have changed in that day. I got a bad cold and ran a high fever; I felt like all strength had been exhausted. I lied in bed and suddenly my phone rang, it was my dad. I picked up the phone; to my surprised, I heard my dad was weeping. I never saw him cry even when the grandfather passed away, even when he left home to work, but now, he could not say any word but sobbing. After a while he said:" you would never know how guilty I am. If there is even one-thousandth chance that I can get back to you, I will not have any hesitation. However, I cannot, sometimes one must have to give up something in order to take his real responsibility. I cannot think of anything but you when you are suffering pain; you do not know how much I worry about you. Every time I hear your voice, I cannot stop blaming myself for leaving you; the only thing I want you to know is that I love you, I really do."
For that moment, I understood my father; it began to dawn on me that he was actually teaching me how to become a real adult. He did, in fact. I got to know how important to understand people who really love you, care about you, to accept the present situation, to take responsibility. For these years, he has been influencing me by his actions. I stop acting like a child and being puerile and negative; Instead, I focused on my schoolwork and dedicated more time and efforts to improving myself-to become more mature. I helped my mother to do more housework and learned to cook; I became a volunteer, as an English teacher for children whose parents also work far away just like my father; I joined in an economic club to work hard for my own dream. I texted him happy holiday on Father's Day, he said he felt gratified to see my growth. I told him that I decided to go broad for further study; I saw the tears in his eyes. I thought my decision was like to the decision he made ten years ago. He told me:" Kid, just go for it. You have been an adult; even though you have to leave parents and struggle in a totally new city, take your responsibility and fight for the future.
Sometimes one has to give up something in order to take his real responsibility; He gave up the important time that I need him most. However, he helped me finish this crucial transition from childhood to adulthood.
Heather, this is definitely not the answer to the prompt being asked. You need to pick out an event in your life when you had to take full responsibility for your actions and its subsequent consequences, whether good or bad. For example, when your father left, did he leave you in charge of the family? What responsibilities were attached to his leaving you in charge? Did you accomplish these responsibilities in the same manner that an adult would? Did an adult vindicate your actions as being that of a mature person? If yes, then go with such a story. If not, try to find something within your past experiences that pushed you to act in a manner far beyond your actual human years.
This is not a story about your father leaving your family to work. Neither is it about the story of the relationship you repaired with him. There is nothing in this essay that even remotely answers the prompt so you need to think of something else that happened in your life that could prove that you have a wisdom beyond your years or the ability to respond appropriately to a given situation. That way, you will be able to properly answer the prompt and also bring the word count down in the process. I look forward to your next try at answering this prompt :-)
Louisa, thanks for your comments and advice; I will revise it later!! Just before revising it I still got few questions. First, I was going to use my got cold thing as a cause that makes me change, growing to an adult , and in the later artical I enumerated several examples(volunteer, help do housework ect.) to explain that I'm making progress to be an adult. Can't it answer the prompt? Did I write too much about my feelings to my father's leaving in paragraph 2 and that is little related to the prompt? Should I delete it or shorten it more? Second, should I must write something I did in flesh to finish this transition? (I did not write what I achieved in essay) Can't I just write my father makes me understand adults should take responsibility? Is it unconvincing if I write like this? Perhaps I should think about how to exactly express my real ideas.
Heather, the thing is, you can't be told how to be an adult. The discussion with your father is far too personal in basis for it to be useful in this prompt. There was really nothing in the story that you told that could have shown how you passed through a rite of passage that brought you to adulthood. So you should consider a totally different story for this essay or choose a different prompt to answer (if possible) because you do not have the background with which to properly answer this type of essay prompt. I already mentioned a few examples of the rite of passage that are acceptable for this prompt. If you do not have any experience similar to those then you should not use this prompt.
What we need to hear from you is about your experience doing something that is not expected of you. Something that people would think that you could not do because of your age. Something that would make people say "She accomplished that even though she is just a child!" Think about it, does this essay truly have any part that would make people exclaim that upon reading it? There isn't any part that portrays such a thing. So, this essay simply does not work for this prompt and should therefore, not be used. Wow the admission officer with an accomplishment that indicates a sense of maturity on your part. Perhaps there is something in your volunteer activity that will show this? Did you ever have to take responsibility for an action which people never expected you to be able to accomplish? If you do, then you have to tell us about that. It is that kind of story that will answer the prompt and fulfill all of its requirements regarding a transition from child to adulthood.
Let me know if you have any more questions. I will do my best to guide you in developing this essay :-)
