URGENT! PLEASE HELP CRITIQUE SHORT ANSWER
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).
Leaves fall gently around me, rustling as they pile up into stunning collages of gold and red. They whisper a tearful goodbye in different voices to the already vanished summer as they flutter to the ground. There is a breeze that make ripples on a lake nearby that rustle the reflections of the trees, making it seem like a mystical blend of another world. The scene draws me deeper and a heavy cloud of nostalgia overcomes me. Nature knows this exquisite beauty will soon be drained by the harsh winter. The melody of Chant d'automne by Tchaikovsky takes me to this everlasting scene. Through ten years of piano, music has been a window to my every joy and motivation; it continues to teach me this form of harmony and take me to undiscovered places. To me, music is a blank canvas; there are so many possibilities waiting to be painted.
Leaves fall gently around me, rustling as they pile up into stunning collages of gold and red. They whisper a tearful goodbye in light melodies to summer and they flutter to the ground. Facing a small lake, I see the breeze make ripples on the water that rustle the reflections of the trees, making it seem like a mystical blend of another world. The scene draws me deeper and a heavy cloud of nostalgia engulfsword choice...takes over me? me. Nature knows that this exquisite beauty will soon be drained by the harsh winter. This is where music takes me in Chant d'automne (Autumn Song) by Tchaikovsky. Through ten years of piano, music has been a window to my every joy and motivation; it continues to teach me this form of harmony and takes me to undiscovered places. To me, music is a blank canvas; there are so many possibilities waiting to be painted.
make sure you read it out and make sure that your topics flow. Right now your jumping around alot. I like the anecdote in the beginning but you need to transitition into the main point of all this smoothly. Make you are concise.
It seems like you aren't elaborating on the actual activity you are engaging yourself in. I know it has to be short, but the first five sentences had nothing really to do with your activity. It was nicely detailed but if I was an admissions officer, I'd like to hear more about how music impacted you and what you have done with it. The last sentence is niceeeeeee though.
actually the anecdote at the beginning is really quite relevant to the topic. remember that the admissions officers really just want to get to know you as a person, so you don't have to force yourself to answer every single nuance of the prompt. as long as you're describing something you do that affects you emotionally, then i think you're pretty much golden. And your essay does that exceptionally well
Sorry, I chose the wrong words. I didn't mean that it was irrelevant to your activity, I feel that you can use the space more wisely to expand on playing the piano instead of the scene the song created. Maybe you can intertwine a few piano terminology or hints in there that is relevant to playing the piano. Personally I have been playing the piano for 10 years too, but evidently yours has a special impact on you. Stick with the topic but maybe make it a little more unique.
your writing style flows nicely and has great imagery, but i am unsure of the "extracurricular activity" or "work experience" in which it is elaborating on...
Gah. I see what you mean. Should I just stick a few words in the description about music... or should I revamp the entire thing?...
i feel like you need to focus more on describing the extracurricular activity.
the person reading wants to know about the activity.your imagination is wonderful but just focus that imagination on the extracurricular activity.
GOOD LUCK!!!!
I knoww...I just feel like that i AM describing my extracurricular activity. That is what it does for me and that ultimately that IS my emotional connection to it, because of what I see in each piece of music.
gaah ):
a lot of people tend to interpret the prompt completely literally, and think they literally have to describe what they do in concrete terms, but your way of describing its effects on you personally does more than just say WHAT you do, which in the end is what admissions officers want. as i said before, they care more about WHO you are, not what you do
before, they care more about WHO you are, not what you do
Thank you so much for your advice! It helps me a lot