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'he was blind' + 'Nobel Prize winners' + 'The crisp Vancouver' - NYUs

GraceTaylorWei 12 / 41  
Dec 23, 2011   #1
Hey everyone! I'm new here and I'm planning on submitting this as soon as possible! I would love to take a look at yours back if you take the time to help me out. Thanks!

Why NYU?
I had no idea he was blind until the moment he casually extracted his retractable walking stick from his pocket. The dapper gentleman who had made small talk with me in the coffee shop gracefully walked out the doors onto the crowded street. Before the feeling of astonishment could escape me, I scribbled illegibly in my diary a reminder to face the unpredictability of life with poise and optimism. Then I noticed the slender blond woman on the other side of the room, comfortably reclined on the aubergine couch. She radiated confidence as her hands drew an invisible map in the air like the conductor of a symphony, articulating her trip to Morocco to her friend across from her. The room fell silent when she spoke, and everyone was compelled to listen as she took the patrons on an imaginary journey to the land of sand and spice. What an incredible story-teller, I thought, as I wrote down another life lesson learned at the cafe: clear, articulate communication and genuine enthusiasm is integral for a captivating leader.

New York City is like a coffee shop: people come and go swiftly and leave me only an hour or so to capture their essence and learn from them. I savour every lesson learned from everyday strangers like rich Arabian coffee and allow it to enrich my character. The eclectic conglomeration of students and professors in New York University will inspire me to refine my character into a "bold" leader of tomorrow.

What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a film, book, performance, website, event, location, etc.), and explain its significance to you.

The crisp Vancouver air smelled like fresh pine of the Rocky Mountains and sea salt from the Pacific ocean. As I walked along the cobblestone street, flanked by Victorian street lamps adorned with summer flowers, of the West Coast metropolis, I felt more in touch with my culture than anywhere else. British Columbia was where the first wave of Chinese settlers arrived in Canada by boat across the vast Pacific to participate in the Fraser Canyon Gold Rush. They built most of the Canadian Pacific Railway in British Columbia that stretched across the continent and unified the country. In the city, multiculturalism was everywhere: interracial lovebirds strolled by me, and Chinese-Canadian designer boutiques caught my eye. However, it was the 12 foot mosaic by the pier that compelled me to stop in my tracks. It was composed of square paintings, each depicting a different culture in Canada. Immediately, I noticed the square depicting me. It showed a Chinese family by the pier with their boat, their faces stern but hopeful as they gazed into their new homeland. Standing beneath the hulking mosaic by the ocean, I as if I was looking into a portal into my identity. I think back on the Chinese-Canadians who've endured prejudice and hardship, but stayed in Canada to leave invaluable contributions and pave the way for my generation. I walked away from the mosaic with my head held high and the wind on my back, hopeful that their indefatigable spirit is in me as well.

lch920619x 5 / 19  
Dec 23, 2011   #2
Well-written essays they are!

For the first essay, I think you have done good job in the first half, but please try to add more substance in you conclusion- more college-specific information.

Second is good. I don't see flaws, try to get someone else to read it.

The last one is impressive, too. Perhaps you could elaborate more on the significance on you though. Remember, the AOs are more interested in you than whatever else you are describing.
karissa_a16 4 / 94  
Dec 27, 2011   #3
indefatigable? I think there's a better word for that. overall it's good though. Please please read mine???

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