Body and mind synchronized through the dance - Undergraduate supplemental essay

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)

desire to dance

MJ's Thriller rumbled across the marriage hall. The temptation was so irresistible that all my body parts began to wobble in choreography. Jumping from my chair with perfectly executed Cartwheel move, I landed right in the middle of the dance floor and began waving my hands, shuffling my legs, to even challenging my uncle to a dance battle. After 10 years of practice in the bathroom and hundreds of stumbles, the feeling of my mind and body synchronized, the adrenaline gushing through my veins and the indescribable pleasure I feel when I'm on the dance floor make me crave for more of dancing.

@kaleiv
Hello, I noticed some misused words. Changing the word "wobble" to something like "act" or "move" seems to be a lot better. Also indicate why dancing something that you enjoy and crave for more. The reason behind it or along the lines of it. It's also a little bit confusing as I didn't sense a feeling of a wedding. I would also suggest some more descriptive language. Overall, good essay in my opinion. :)

@kaleiv

I think you really get the idea that you love dancing across. One thing I noticed was in the part: "to even challenging my uncle to a dance battle", I think you don't need the word "to" at the beginning of the sentence. Great job!

Kalei, I am not clear on why you dance just for the pleasure of it. While you give a highly descriptive explanation of how you feel when you dance, you do not indicate why you dance. What do you get out of it? How does dancing satisfy something within you? Is it a craving? A desire? A purpose fulfilled? It appears that you have given a very superficial response to the essay prompt. There is no depth in your response. The reviewer does not learn anything about you as a person from what you have written in relation to the activity. when you are doing something, there has to be a purpose for it, even if you are only doing it for pleasure. What kind of pleasure are you trying to achieve by dancing and why? Those are some guide questions that you can use to further develop or totally revise your response.