Topic: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer).
When the local youth wrestling club reopened, I saw it as a good opportunity to give back to the sport and help some of the newer kids with their technique and fundamentals. As I expected, the first few sessions were a bit on the wild side, with the kids wildly jumping on top of each other as yells of "BODY SLAM" filled the air. After two weeks, I became an assistant coach at the club and in addition to helping during practice I attended their weekend tournaments to coach. Practices with the kids became more and more entertaining (we had our fair share of laughs while rolling around on the mat and staging hand-stand races), and with time and focus we turned into a team with the skills to achieve our goals. More importantly though, everyone left having achieved the greatest objectives: a greater sense of self-respect, confidence, and trust.
Word Count: 150
Any and all criticism is appreciated. Thanks!
What did the experience teach you, and how does whatever you learned from the experience make you a good applicant? You need to revise your essay to focus more on the answer to these questions.
That's a very good start. You should include a few details about your responsibilities as an assistant coach.
More importantly though , everyone left having achieved the greatest objectives: a greater sense of self-respect, confidence, and trust.
The last sentence really states how you helped them, but not as much as how it affected you, though I'm not sure if that's what you are aiming for.
Those were the replies I was looking for--I was struggling with determining what the topic really wanted me to talk about. I'll have a revised version up sometime tonight. I appreciate the help.
I love the orginality of your activities and no doubt grabs my attention. But you may also include some negative experience and build on that to add to your strength and what you learn about yourself.
Here is my revised version. Sorry I didn't have it up last night.
When the local youth wrestling club reopened, I saw it as a good opportunity to help some of the younger kids with their technique and fundamentals. I knew from the onset that instructing the kids wouldn't be an easy task, but I didn't expect my patience to be tested so rigorously. For the first few weeks, every practice felt like a marathon-it seemed like every time I turned my back around, the kids would start jumping on top of one another as yells of "BODY SLAM" filled the air. Eventually, I became an assistant coach at the club, and through countless practices and an ample amount of laughter (some handstand races come to mind), we turned into a unit with the skills to achieve our goals. As our bond matured, the kids each developed a powerful sense of self-respect while my confidence in my teaching capabilities grew.
As before, I look forward to all comments/criticism.
As I expected, the first few sessions were a bit on the wild side, with the kids wildly jumping on top of each other as yells of "BODY SLAM" filled the air.
I liked this sentence from the first version better than the BODY SLAM sentence in the second version. Otherwise, great job.
I agree with EF_Simone about the first BODY SLAM sentence. The essay improved a lot, though. I only see this part -
we turned into a unit with the skills to achieve our goals.
Unit is an interesting word but 'skills to achieve our goals' is sort of bland. Maybe you could replace it with some skills and goals of wrestling without being too technical.
Thanks for the feedback Simone and asyn. I incorporated what both of you said:
When the local youth wrestling club reopened, I saw it as a good opportunity to help some of the younger kids with their technique and fundamentals. I knew from the onset that instructing the kids wouldn't be an easy task, but I didn't expect my patience to be tested so rigorously. As I expected, the first few sessions were a bit frenzied, with the kids wildly jumping on top of one another as yells of "BODY SLAM" filled the ear. Eventually, I became an assistant coach at the club, and through countless practices and an ample amount of laughter (some handstand races come to mind), we turned into a group with the right skills, and more importantly, the right mindset. As our bond matured, the kids each developed a powerful sense of self-respect while my confidence in my teaching capabilities grew.
Would you say this is good enough to move on to the next essay?