Hi my name is Luis, I'm originally from Bolivia, but I have been studying in the US for the last two years (my Junior and Senior year in high school). I don't think my English is strong enough for an admissions essay, and I just realized that I wanted to go to university in the US (my deadlines are Jan 15), so I need help writing my essay, well not writing but editing and cutting down the words down to 500 (right now I have 535). Thanks in advance:)
A. American University embraces the motto: Ideas into Action; Action into Service. How do you embody this philosophy?
Smack!, my headboard resonated as I arose violently after I had a horrible realization. It was three in the morning, I had school in four hours, but I could not go back to sleep. The idea that all my hard work in school was quickly becoming a reality in my mind. All the effort that I had put into my studies for the last three years could go down the drain, all because of my immigration status. All the sacrifices I had made by continuously choosing my studies over parties, sports, and even girls, would all mean nothing. I would end up at the local community college just like all my other friends, who were not quite as virtuous as I was towards their studies. As I thought about it even more, I realized that there were tons of other kids, just like me, who were also being denied their opportunity to reach their full potential in a collegiate setting.
The next day, school seemed like it was dragging on forever. Eventually, the final bell's ringing reached my ears, I speed walked to my Hispanic Leadership Club sponsor's room. After I told my sponsor about my late night revelation, we talked about the subject and came to the conclusion that kids not being allowed the opportunity to go to college was just not fair. After some intense researching, I found out that Senators Durbin and Hagel were both pushing for a bill that would help alien minors obtain federal funding for college, also known as the DREAM Act (Development Relief and Education for Alien Minors). I studied information about the bill furiously, I was on a mission to know as much as possible in the shortest amount of time. I clearly remember smiling when I read that Senator Hutchinson from Texas, a high ranking Republican, was in favor of working with the bill. The more I read, the more I became deeply connected with the bill, to the point where I would check for updates on my phone.
After I thought I had gathered enough information on the bill, I talked with my fellow officer of the Hispanic Leadership Club, about possibly doing something more to support the DREAM Act. The officers of the HLC were more than happy to help the case, since it affected almost everyone in the room. We all sat down and eventually stumbled upon advocacy. Realizing that advocacy was the sharpest tool available, we decided to fully stretch our political muscles to see what results we could obtain. We wrote a letter to our local representative in the House, and our two Virginia Senators, exclaiming our support for the DREAM Act. After that, I arranged to make sure that all members called the offices of our legislative representatives to make sure that they all knew that we meant business.
Even with all the support that the HLC was able to demonstrate, the DREAM Act failed to overcome a filibuster in Congress. But I don't plan on giving up just yet, there are too many hard working kids out in America that deserve a college education; my only hope is that I can continue my fight as an American University student.
I figure I might as well put this too:
How did you become interested in American University? (50-75)
I became interested in American University because of my dad's love for marching bands. During the Fourth of July, it's a tradition for my father and I to go see the marching bands in Washington D.C. We usually ride the metro, and two summers ago we got distracted and ended up in Tenleytown, AU was in the station sign. After some research, I realized that American was the school for me.
Smack!, my headboard resonated as I rose violently after I had a horrible realization.
The idea that all my hard work in school was quickly becoming a reality in my mind. this is an unfinished sentence
All the sacrifices I had made by continuously choosing my studies over parties, sports, and even girls, would mean nothing.
The next day, school seemed to drag on forever. Eventually, when the final bell's ringing reached my ears, I speed walked to my Hispanic Leadership Club sponsor's room.
also known as the DREAM Act .
They named it the DREAM Act, which stands for...
hope this helps
The idea that all my hard work in school was quickly becoming a reality in my mind. -This sentence isn't very clear.
Other than that, it seems fairly solid. But I'm no professional.
Thank You All So Much!
I'm working on my essay right now.
Ideas into action and action into service. So, the essay should show how you act out this process by which ideas become actions and then service. At the end of the first paragraph, tell how this story involves you putting an idea into action and then into service.
In that short last paragraph, you have room to review again how this story involved an idea being put into action, which was also a service.
Also, here is a fix:
An idea was on my mind: All my hard work in school might not pay off after all. All the effort that I had put into my studies for the last three years could go down the drain, all because of my immigration status.
Does that work?
Your writing is fairly solid, and your involvement in American politics is certainly admirable, and a great topic for an admissions essay. However, you might need to tweak the logic of the essay a bit. At the moment, it goes like this:
You realize you cannot go to university unless the law changes.
You advocate for the passing of a bill that would remedy this situation.
The bill is not passed.
You plan to keep advocating for the bill as a university student.
This doesn't make sense as it stands. Perhaps there are other details you should include in your essay? On an unrelated note: "We wrote a letter to our local representative in the House, and our two Virginia Senators, proclaiming our support for the DREAM Act."
THANK YOU Tweaking my essay right now!
I look forward to reading the revised version. Be sure to post it here for more feedback.
So I was wondering, any ideas where I should cut words? since I'm looking to clear up my essay, maybe some of the sentences that make my essay unclear?
Thanks in Advance!
Just cut out the unnecessary stuff, like this:
Smack! my headboard resonated as I arose violently after I had a horrible realization. It was three in the morning; I had school in four hours, but I could not go back to sleep. The idea that all my hard work in school was quickly becoming a reality in my mind. All the effort that I had put into my studies for the last three years could go down the drain, all because of my immigration status. All the sacrifices I had made by continuously choosing my studies over parties, sports, and even girls, would all mean nothing. I would end up at the local community college just like all my other friends, who were not quite as virtuous as I was towards their studies. As I thought about it even more, I realized that there were tons of other kids, just like me, who were also being denied their opportunity to reach their full potential in a collegiate setting.
