"born in Cameroon" - why UofC?-University of Chicago supplement

How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago.

I was born in Cameroon, a small country along the West coast of the African continent. This has exposed me to different and diverse systems of education. It is very interesting to view someone else's opinion, as influenced by their experiences and backgrounds. This coupled with the fact that I have a twin brother, means that I have been a team player all my life as well. I envision that able to study in an environment which does not include both diversity and team work with it. The University of Chicago offers diversity to its students on campus, as it attracts students from all over the world, and also off campus with its study abroad programs, which it offers a huge variety to six different continents in the world.

be brutal.thanks guys :D

First, is English your 1st or primary language?
Second, there are quite a few grammatical errors that you need to address because they are significantly detrimental to the readers understanding, rather than just a typo that can be overlooked. It would be very beneficial if a native or fluent English speaker helped you with this in person if you have the opportunity.

I was born in Cameroon, a small country along the West coast of the African continent. This has exposed me to different and diverse systems of education. <--(The beginning is good but you fail to adequately relate back to this which is kind of the whole point of the essay.) It is very interesting to view someone else's opinion, as influenced by their experiences and backgrounds. <--(Decent sentence and could be very useful but your not utilizing it properly. Think, "why is it interesting? How does this relate to U of C?") This coupled with<--("This" is referring to something that is non-existent... You don't have 2 things to "couple".) the fact that I have a twin brother, means that I have been a team player all my life<--(I can see how you got team player from having a twin but since your not referring to something as I said before it doesn't make sense.) as well <--(RED: Improper grammar because you haven't said you "are something" yet It's just wrong.) I envision that (being) able to study in an environment which does not include both diversity and team work with it.<--(So I literally stopped at this sentence and reread it like 5 times before I was sure that it just didn't make any sense at all. Your just not saying what you want to say here. Also without that "being" at the beginning of the sentence it's just grammatically incorrect.) The University of Chicago offers diversity to its students on campus, as it attracts students from all over the world, and also off campus with its study abroad programs, which it offers a huge variety to six different continents in the world.<--(So I can see what your trying to say here but this isn't right. It's riddled with errors and contradictions. I think what you want to say would be something more like this: "The University of Chicago offers excellent levels of diversity on both the home campus in Illinois as well as on each of it's international campuses, located on six different continents." I tried to say everything that you did but the sex different continents thing doesn't really work very well. Also it seems a little strange since you would assume that the admission officers know that U of C has campuses on 6 different continents. Finally you need to relate all of this stuff together. You have some foundation material but you need to bring together into one cohesive logical argument for why you want to attend U of C. Right now your answer is similar to a bunch of parts that need to be assembled into the final machine or product.)

I'm applying to U of C also so good luck! It's a really cool school, I used to live very close to it and it's really excellent.

P.S. When I wrote this I just presumed that English was your second language so I tried to use specific words that would be relatively easy if you tried to translate them using an online tool so you can better understand what I'm trying to say if you had any questions or anything. If that doesn't help feel free to ask me to clarify!

Good luck again!