Can you guys edit this essay? How should I fix it and develop it? Also am I answering the prompt correctly? Thanks.
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Required Supplemental Essay for First-Year Applicants
Bowdoin is a liberal arts college that thrives on intellectual discourse in and out of the classroom. Students, faculty, and staff all participate in the exchange of ideas in an atmosphere characterized by high achievement and a sense of balance. The Admissions Committee is eager to learn more about you and your school community. Reflecting on your own educational experiences, how have you prepared yourself to enter an academic environment like Bowdoin's? (Suggested length: 250-500 words.)
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For six long weeks I delved into a world of mystique, one that I had been foreign to for almost too long. For some time I had been captivated by the wonders of the Arab world, with its intricate calligraphy, mesmerizing music, and entrancing language. That summer, through an Arabic language immersion program, I finally got the chance in a lifetime.
For six weeks, I studied Arabic language, writing, and culture. Never before had I participated in a learning experience quite like this, with classes revolving entirely in Arabic discussion. Unable to use my native language, English, I struggled at first to keep up. It had been as if I were thrown into a foreign country alone, left to survive. But I had to adapt to this new learning style, and soon, to make sense of things and pull myself out. Despite initial struggle, I quickly caught on. Soon, I began speaking from the back of my throat, curling and twisting my r's, and pronouncing sounds I had never could come out of my mouth.
For those six weeks we were immersed in the Arabic language, we were immersed in the culture as well. We were introduced to art, music, and food. I was introduced to the songs of the Arab popstar Sami, the musical instrument Oud, and the progressions in music that Arab music has gone through in the past few decades. I was introduced to hummus, tabouli, falafel, labneh, and kishta. I learned about the religious and artistic significance of Arab calligraphy. This was a new style of learning, one where I lived and breathed what I was learning.
Besides learning in the classroom and in the program, I extended my learning of Arabic beyond the classroom. . There are two significant instances that I remember. The first, being a conversation with a Somali businessman on the subway who approached me when he saw me, a Chinese boy, writing an essay in Arabic. The second, being a conversation as well. My classmate in the program at the time, who was an Arab, told me how many of the taxi drivers in Cambridge spoke Arabic. Coincidentally, I had to take a taxi Central Square after class after missing a bus. I could not resist the urge and started a conversation with the driver in Arabic. He said "wa alakum a salem" to my "alem wa sahalem," after an unsure pause, and we spent the next twenty minutes talking about the day and his life in Arabic.
The Arabic immersion program illuminated me about the different ways of learning. By the end of the intensive language course, I learned to prepare myself for learning outside the classroom, in the real world. Coming out of the program, I had a strong foundation. I had produced multiple essays entirely in Arabic, and a rather unusual story about a ficional confused penguin living in Lebanon. Besides writing skills, I also had robust language skills, prepared to converse with others in Arabic. This course showed me how learning is beyond the classroom, and lies in the real world and in real life.
To each new friend I said, "alem wa sahalem I was responded "wa alakum a salem."
In this sentence it's improper grammar to say "I was responded"
I suggest making it two sentences, like this:
To each new friend I said, "alem wa sahalem." They resonded "wa alakum a salem."
First of all, very good essay. It wasn't a chore to read at all. It's nicely vivid; I felt like I could envision all the things you were talking about.
I believe it satisfies the Amherst prompt, but you probably will have to write a different conclusion for the Bowdoin one, stating how the Arabic program has prepared you for learning at Bowdoin College. Something like "I realized that if you really want to learn something, you should stay committed to it despite any difficulties which may arise". Whatever is in your mind.
You use a lot of the verb 'learn' too. Try replacing it with some synonyms.
Again, these are all really minor stuff.
Could you proofread my Bowdoin essay, maybe?
