Hey guys, I am now applying to Global UGRAD 2017, and I need a review for my response.
Why would I become a great participant in global UGRAD?
A brand new step for a giant stride
I was born and raised in Tuban, East Java. It is a small city with only 1.2 million population. I grew up with high curiosity, eagerness and motivation to develop myself while living in a limited resource environment. It motivated me to pursue my further education, an undergraduate degree in Jakarta, the capital of Indonesia which approximately 800km away from my hometown. I basically think that if I want to make myself improved, then I have to do what it takes to reach that. It makes me become a person who always find the way to get out from my comfort zone in order to seek a new lessons and experience.
Currently, as a student at the Communication Science major, I have been doing both academic and non-academic activities, inside and outside the campus. I joined several organization, two of them are Communications Student Association and StudentsXCEOs Jakarta which taught me a lot about the importance of leadership skill to people's life, not only lead for our own good but to lead to empower others, and also the importance of keep being bold in the competitive environment. Then I realized, that what I have done so far would never be enough to explore and develop my potentials. Having an opportunity to study and live abroad would be significant for me because it would affect my future. I come from a lower middle class family, so it might be a barrier. But then I found Global UGRAD as a solution. I believe that this exchange program could develop myself socially and academically.
Socially, I would get an opportunity to implement and enhance my leadership skill through community services. Having an experience as an Ambassador for Literacy of Jakarta and several voluntary works related to children could be an advantage for me to do that. Furthermore, I would be able to learn new cultures from people I interact with as well as enable me to represent Indonesia and introduce my beloved country to fellow students there. As a communication student, I believe that communication skill, especially intercultural communication is essential to build mutual understanding. So I will use my knowledge to create that understanding.
Academically, I could enhance my undergraduate education and get deeper knowledge about my field of study, Communication science, directly from the epicenter of the industry that have led the revolution of mass communication in the world. As I collected information about Communication science program in the United States, it is a little bit different with the program in my current university. Most college and degree provide a hands on experience and practical knowledge, while in my current university it is less practical. For instance, some college like S.I. Newhouse, Syracuse University, has a student-run public relations consultant. Therefore, I really want to experience that kind of education.
The fact that it would be my first time abroad makes me feel more excited and really want to craft an amazing and valuable journey through this program. I become eager to show cooperation and contribution both academically and socially, by showing a good performance in class and involvement in community services while I am doing Global UGRAD. Furthermore, if I become a grantee, I will also possible to use my experience and knowledge I have got from the United States to improve the quality of learning in my home university and inspire my friends and my surrounding to do the same journey as I did.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Apriza, you have some pretty solid credentials when it comes to your background as an applicant. So that is a major strength of your application. Having said that, I have to point out that you have spent a tremendous amount of the essay space, ok, all of the essay space in discussing what you hope to gain from your semester abroad. That doesn't exactly tell the reviewer why you should be considered a great participant in the Global UGrad program. Rather, it seems like you have a lopsided view of the what the program is all about.
Besides the things that you can get from being a participant in the program, you also have to present the reasons why you could be a good addition to the student roster of 250 international students. What exactly can you offer the program in terms of your participation that can make you stand out from the other applicants? Remember, this is a cultural exchange program. So take the revision point of your essay from that keyword, "cultural exchange". What is it about your culture and heritage that you hope to share with the participants and regular students? What makes you a unique person who can add something to the program in terms of social and cultural understanding that the other applicants may not be able to offer?
Don't focus solely on your wants and expectations of the program. Talk about what you can offer the program as well. Balance the discussion. The first half can be all about what you hope to achieve and the next half, should be all about what you can offer. That way, the reviewer will see that you understand the logic behind your participation in the program.
@Holt
Hi, I really appreciate your review and thank you for your advice.
So, here I already revised my responses and need your opinion about that.
Why would you become a great participant in the Global UGRAD?
I was born and raised in Tuban, East Java. It is a small city with only 1.2 million populations. I grew up with high curiosity, eagerness and motivation to develop myself while living in a limited resource environment. It motivated me to pursue my further education, an undergraduate degree in Jakarta, the capital of Indonesia which approximately 800km away from my hometown. I basically think that if I want to make myself improved, then I have to do what it takes to reach that. It makes me become a person who always found the way to get out from my comfort zone in order to seek a new lessons and experience.
As we all know, Indonesia is a culturally diverse country with more than 500 languages and ethnics. It is represented well in Jakarta, which play a significant role as a melting pot city. It is also represented in my campus, which has students from all over Indonesia. I have been living in Jakarta for 3 years and I already became part of a multicultural environment. With all differences exist, it does not become an obstacle for me to easily adapt to new environment and fellow students. I can demonstrate a good performance both in academic and extracurricular activities proven by the fact that I am a full scholarship grantee from my campus as well as a Chief Marketing Officer of a youth organization. I can interact and collaborate with people from various backgrounds because I always try to build a mutual understanding through good communication. I realize that this program allows me to meet participants from all over the world. I assume that the situation and condition I would face on my semester abroad will have similarities with what I have experienced in Indonesia, regarding the fact that United States is a great example of a melting pot.
Therefore, I believe that I would be a great participant in Global UGRAD because I am eager to show a good performance since I already get used to that kind of situation. Furthermore, as I know that I come from a country with collectivist culture, which really pays attention on the importance of mutual cooperation and togetherness in accomplishing a goal, it would be interesting yet challenging because I will share and demonstrate that matter to fellow participants and regular students with totally different cultures and values. However, with my background as a Communication student which have had learned how to communicate in a cross cultural context, I believe I can do that. I can show to them that togetherness is essential to accomplish our goals, even if it is our individual goal. It is because people can not live without the help from others.
The fact that it would be my first time abroad makes me feel more excited and really want to craft an amazing and valuable journey through this program. I become eager to show cooperation and contribution both academically and socially, by showing a good performance in class and involvement in community services while I am doing Global UGRAD. Furthermore, if I become a grantee, I will also possible to use my experience and knowledge I have got from the United States to improve the quality of learning in my home university and inspire my friends and my surrounding to do the same journey as I did.
