Hey everyone, this is my rough draft of my common app essay. Its ~530 words... i know I have to cut it down a little. But just tell me what you think and how I can improve it. Thanks a lot!
"Can Shell Patel come down to the office?" I heard snickers across my freshman biology classroom as my ethnic name was mistaken for the hard exoskeleton of a shellfish over the loudspeaker. My dark brown skin turned crimson as I quickly scurried out of the classroom to avoid further embarrassment.
"How could she call me shell? My name clearly has two "e's" Thoughts like these raced through my head as I feared the ridicule I would be faced with from my peers.
"Shell Patel? Really?" This misnomer remained in the back of my mind the whole day until it struck me. "Shell" Patel could accurately describe who I was.
Back then I didn't believe I fit the "mold" of the area I lived it. Residing in the homogeneous vacation spot of thousands of New York City business moguls has its great benefits, but let's just say diversity isn't a strong point of Eastern Long Island. This fact mentality gripped me as I believed that melting myself down and fitting the social and cultural molds were the only way to achieve acceptance from my peers. My roots, heritage, and identity fell to the wayside as my desire for social "acceptance" took precedent, molding myself a perfect false exoskeleton.
My enriching visits to volunteer at my Hindu temple became "this Indian thing I attend" to my friends. Along with my culture, my other passions were held behind my shell. My devotion to playing a multitude of instruments from the harmonica (my favorite) to the saxophone, transforming my home into a music hall - to the dismay of my parents- was unknown to my peers. Music brought me the greatest fulfillment as it carried away my stress and outside problems with its' simple melodies. My career-elucidating research internship at a prestigious laboratory was turned into "this summer thing my parents made me attend." I was just a mollusk, taking the shape of my environment.
I then realized, where would culture be if everyone conformed to a subset? What would I be able to pass down to my children-- a multitude of cultural traditions, cuisine, and values or a generic view on the world and life? I began to see that being ashamed and disingenuous of ones roots and passions could lead to self-deprecation and unhappiness. Why does one need to conform to an environment rather than have an environment conform to them? You could say this was the "breaking out of my shell" moment.
I could not believe the fulfillment I felt, as I opened up to the outside. I was able to be myself without the fear of acceptance. I could enjoy being a psuedo-politician during school elections learning respect, and humility when dealing with a loss. I was able to express my passion for music, performing at multiple venues - mostly my bedroom. But best of all, I was gaining respect from everyone I encountered, not for my abilities or heritage but rather for being an individual who looked out for others and did everything to the best of his ability.
From all of this I found my answer as everyone looked at my inner self rather than my "shell".
- Sheel P
"Can Shell Patel come down to the office?" I heard snickers across my freshman biology classroom as my ethnic name was mistaken for the hard exoskeleton of a shellfish over the loudspeaker. My dark brown skin turned crimson as I quickly scurried out of the classroom to avoid further embarrassment.
"How could she call me shell? My name clearly has two "e's" Thoughts like these raced through my head as I feared the ridicule I would be faced with from my peers.
"Shell Patel? Really?" This misnomer remained in the back of my mind the whole day until it struck me. "Shell" Patel could accurately describe who I was.
Back then I didn't believe I fit the "mold" of the area I lived it. Residing in the homogeneous vacation spot of thousands of New York City business moguls has its great benefits, but let's just say diversity isn't a strong point of Eastern Long Island. This fact mentality gripped me as I believed that melting myself down and fitting the social and cultural molds were the only way to achieve acceptance from my peers. My roots, heritage, and identity fell to the wayside as my desire for social "acceptance" took precedent, molding myself a perfect false exoskeleton.
My enriching visits to volunteer at my Hindu temple became "this Indian thing I attend" to my friends. Along with my culture, my other passions were held behind my shell. My devotion to playing a multitude of instruments from the harmonica (my favorite) to the saxophone, transforming my home into a music hall - to the dismay of my parents- was unknown to my peers. Music brought me the greatest fulfillment as it carried away my stress and outside problems with its' simple melodies. My career-elucidating research internship at a prestigious laboratory was turned into "this summer thing my parents made me attend." I was just a mollusk, taking the shape of my environment.
I then realized, where would culture be if everyone conformed to a subset? What would I be able to pass down to my children-- a multitude of cultural traditions, cuisine, and values or a generic view on the world and life? I began to see that being ashamed and disingenuous of ones roots and passions could lead to self-deprecation and unhappiness. Why does one need to conform to an environment rather than have an environment conform to them? You could say this was the "breaking out of my shell" moment.
I could not believe the fulfillment I felt, as I opened up to the outside. I was able to be myself without the fear of acceptance. I could enjoy being a psuedo-politician during school elections learning respect, and humility when dealing with a loss. I was able to express my passion for music, performing at multiple venues - mostly my bedroom. But best of all, I was gaining respect from everyone I encountered, not for my abilities or heritage but rather for being an individual who looked out for others and did everything to the best of his ability.
From all of this I found my answer as everyone looked at my inner self rather than my "shell".
- Sheel P
