Here is my first draft for the personal statement of the Penn State application. Criticize please, I personally feel its a bit bland, and that another approach would work better.
Nine years ago I first set foot in University Park, Pennsylvania, and gazed upon the awe-inspiring magnitude of The Pennsylvania State University. At eight years old, other things could have concerned me more than taking the six hour drive from Connecticut to visit my eighteen year old brother at his new home. Little did I know that in 9 years time, I myself, like my brother, would look to Penn State as my primary choice to further my education.
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you talk a lot about your brother in the essay. the start is great, you are introducing how you first came to know Penn State and how far back it goes.
I like the last paragraph as well where you refute the argument that you are applying merely because your brother was there.
I would put that sentence as the last sentence of your first paragraph.
Then, in your second paragraph give the reasons why want to apply to Penn State. Select two or three reasons and elaborate each more.
For example, it can be because you like business and the university will provide you with great education in the field due to its high caliber faculty, etc.
A second reason might be the activism of the student body and the number of clubs you can join. Here talk about how active you are and what you can add to the university.
You see my point. You just need to be more specific about why you want to apply and how your past experience will help you succeed.
Nine years ago I first set foot in University Park, Pennsylvania, and gazed upon the awe-inspiring magnitude of The Pennsylvania State University. At eight years old, other things could have concerned me more than taking the six hour drive from Connecticut to visit my eighteen year old brother at his new home. Little did I know that in 9 years time, I myself , like my brother, would look to Penn State as my primary choice to further my education.
For the four years that my brother attended, my family and I made multiple visits. Each time I took in more and more of the great University: the scale, the atmosphere, and the sheer beauty of the campus. At the time, I had no further experiences with Universities of this caliber, and through my experience in my personal college search;, I have found little that has reached the bar that Penn State set for me at the young age of eight. My brother's tenure at the school culminated, of course, in his graduation from the Smeal College of Business in 2005. As an attendant to his graduation ceremony, I was moved by the greatness of it. This event would cement the image of Penn State's greatness in my head.
As I begun began my college search not more than a year ago, I was naturally drawn to Penn State. Some have questioned my choice, believing I am merely attempting to imitate my brother, but I find this to be untrue. I firmly believe my brother made an intelligent choice in choosing Penn State as his school on his path to success, and knowing the school has been tested and trued by my own brother, I see it as perfect for me. I see my brother as a role model, and simply want to do what I can to become as successful as him. To me, this means attending The Pennsylvania State University as the first step in the path to my own personal success.
I think that you need to talk a little more about you in this essay, and not so much your brother. You can mention that he attended Penn State, sure, but I think they want to hear how Penn State will help you succeed with respect to your own endeavors in life. I think you might want to re-work your essay and reflect on you, not your brother. Otherwise, it's a good essay.
Mark
I don't think the sentence about finding out you, like your brother, would attend is important enough to be at the end of the first paragraph.
The end of the first para is an important spot. How about keeping that sentence there but adding another one? Add a sentence to the end of that paragraph and let it be one that says the message you want the reader to remember.
The Penn State personal statement is supposed to be 1200 characters including spaces. Im not sure if yours is over 1200 but just to keep that in mind.
My brother had to rewrite his because he wrote over the limit. good luck!