Bullying Gave Me a Sense of Self - Honors Program Essay

Here is the prompt:

Wallace Bacon, a recipient of an honorary doctorate from ***** in 1975, wrote that the liberal arts, or humanities, "are concerned with the question of what makes life worth living. And that question concerns not simply oneself but others. Thehumanities must help us learn who we are; they must help us learn the otherness of others."

And here is my answer:

In our lives, everyone has a toxic friend, a frenemy, whatever you want to call them. In my case, her name was Kristen. I met her when I was twelve. She was the new girl at my elementary school, and I was assigned to show her around. We became friends, and I brought her into my little group. At first, everything was great. Kristen was the kind of person who you want to be friends when you're a kid; she crazy and spontaneous and she came from one of those households where you could do whatever you wanted, so being her friend was a blast. About halfway through the year things started to become tense. It started with conversations that my friend's would immediately stop when I walked up. I knew they were talking about me, but I had no idea why. Then rumors started getting spread about me, something I'd never experienced before. I had a sneaking suspicion that Kristen was behind it- she was too gleeful when I complained, but I didn't want to lose my friends. A few weeks after spring break, I was over at Kristen's house and we were talking about boys. Kristen and I found out that day that we both liked the same guy. I didn't care; we were friends and that was more important than anything else, but apparently she did. The next day at school I was getting some strange looks and when I asked my friend about she said that she wished I had trusted her enough to tell her I was gay. I was in complete disbelief- I had no idea where anyone would have gotten that idea. So I asked my friend and she told me that Kristen had told her. After that Kristen and I were no longer friends. Sadly, I did lose some friends because of Kristen and her rumors, but the ones I kept were more important to me.

The following year I was in middle school, Kristen had moved, and I got a fresh start. Then I saw the same pattern repeating in my new group, except this time I was one of the bystanders having to choose to perpetuate the rumors or ignore them. I kept thinking of Kristen. I would never want to do to anyone else what she did to me. I had gotten first hand experience of how devastating and vicious rumors could be. So even though being gossiped about was a horrible experience it made me realize what kind of person I wanted to be. I didn't want to be someone who spread lies and idle gossip. I wanted to be the friend who people could turn to and trust with anything. I wanted to be the kind of person who didn't take the easy path and go along with what everybody else was saying. Chris Hollyfield, a motivational speaker I've heard speak, once said "You must have the dedication, determination and desire to be a friend, not a bully." That experience, no matter how difficult it was to endure, gave me those qualities and helped shaped me as a friend, not as a gossip.

What you wrote was good; however, in my opinion, from what you have mentioned bullying would not be exactly what you experienced. Bullying is not just receiving physical threats, and may also be verbal or emotional. However, it sounds to me like what you experienced was gossip when your head was turned. Now, you had mentioned that the rumor was you were gay; however, if as a result, you were called names or teased, that would definitely be bullying. Otherwise, again, what I got from what you wrote was a victim of petty gossip. That being said, I am not at all trying to tell you what you experienced. I just think you need to give a better understanding of how you were bullied.

Make sure you go back and proof read as well. I see some grammer and punctuation mistakes. Also, just some essay tips, you do not want to use didn't, I'd, you're etc. Instead, write the words out (did not, you are, I had). You also want to stay away from words like "so" in essays, and instead use words like therefore, or however, which as you can see I use a lot haha. Anyway, hope this helps.

Sorry, I meant grammar not grammer and proofread. I thought I should correct myself, it is pretty odd having someone tell you to check your grammar, when you yourself have a misspelled word etc. in the paragraph that's telling them to make the corrections haha.

Oh, I forgot to add this - does the content of this make sense? Thanks!

I hope so!! Hold on... I'll tell you...

In our lives, e Everyone has a toxic friend, a frenemy, whatever you want to call them. --I trimmed a little fluff from the beginning, but this is a GREAT sentence.

In my case, her name was Kristen. I met her when I was twelve. She was the new girl at my elementary school, and I was assigned to show her around. We became friends, and I brought her into my little group. (right here, add a thesis statement and then end the first paragraph).

If you do that, it will be easier to read, and it will be more powerful. That thesis statement establishes the message of the essay.

Yes, it makes great sense!
:-)