I already submitted this for my UC application, but I was thinking I could re-use it for a couple other schools. Please critique, I need all the help I can get..
Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, contribution, accomplishment, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are? (Maximum of 1,000 words, including other essay)
"Three, two, one... Go!" I was hesitant. The vibrant blue, ice-cold water stood still 60 meters below me. The New Zealand air blew against my tightened face. I had a choice: turn back and walk away from the opportunity or let go of all my fears and take a chance.
It was four weeks after I escaped my hectic junior year of high school. This was my time to relax with my family and ease away all the stress. We were off to travel across Australia and New Zealand for an entire month. Four weeks of different foods, strange accents, and an overall diverse culture awaited us.
Since bungee jumping has been a large component of New Zealand culture, my family immediately signed up for the Kawarau Bridge bungee jump in Queenstown. I constantly worried over the impending dangers throughout the week. It may seem like a simple jump to some, but to others, any tiny mishap could seriously affect the outcome.
The anticipation and nervousness increased with every passing minute as we were making our way to Queenstown. Thirty minutes after our arrival, I was waiting in line on the Kawarau Bridge. My brother was up ahead and with no hesitation, he leaped off the bridge. I could hear his screams of thrill and elation as gravity pulled him closer down to earth.
Next was a Korean girl who had previously introduced herself as Hye Jin to me. In contrast to my brother, she faltered with every step towards the edge of the bridge. The workers had to constantly reassure that she would be fine and that only she could make herself jump. After numerous attempts of counting down, she disappointedly backed out and walked away from the opportunity.
As my turn arrived, my pulse began to accelerate even faster. Casto was down below, screaming words of encouragement. My parents were 50 feet to the left of me with all the other spectators. My oldest brother, Carl, was behind me, waiting for his turn. At that moment, I was surrounded with the support of my family and fellow strangers. As I was imagining the experience of having the bungee cord snap, Hye Jin came into my mind. I realized that all of my imaginative situations were ridiculous. Sure, there was a slim possibility of breaking a bone or two; but why waste traveling thousands of miles and spending large amounts of money when the opportunity is literally at the edge of my feet?
The employee counted off, "Three, two, one... Go!" I closed my eyes and jumped. I felt the fresh air brush across my face as I spread my arms as far as I could reach. I felt like I was carelessly flying through the air. All nervousness had drained out and I was filled with pure adrenaline and excitement. I screamed at the top of my lungs to notify anyone within the distance that I had never felt so much relief and exhilaration in my life.
This experience makes me proud in that I was able to take a chance. Even though opportunities that come in my way will not always be a life or death situation like I had encountered this summer, I hope to make the same decision I had made. This event shows I am willing to open to new experiences, no matter how frightening they could be. Whether it's joining a new club or studying abroad for a semester in a foreign country, I plan to take every chance that comes in my future college career.
Word count: 593
Noneed to capitalize here:
"Three, two, one... Go go!" I was hesitant. The vibrant ...
If this was a novel, I would expect that the purpose of naming the girl would be to introduce her because she would be playing a role later in the story... but in this case, I think telling her name is an unnecessary, distracting detail:
Next was a Korean girl who, had previously introduced herself as Hye Jin to me. In in contrast to my brother, faltered with every ...
This experience makes me proud in that I was able to take a chance. ---You cannot make bunjee jumping the main focus of the essay! Only if very few people ever bunjee jumped could you get away with making that the theme. It is a common activity, so the role it should play is to transmit a feeling of a leap of faith, and then share an idea with the reader pertaining to a similar feeling as you leap into your chosen professional field. The bunjee jumping should be symbolic of the real meaning of the essay. The way to make the most of this is to tell about bunjee jumping as a way of sharing how you feel about a particular field you want to enter. Do that, and your essay will be distinct, and your reader will be fascinated.
:-)
