Please offer any honest feedback and constructive criticism. Grammar/sentence structure help would be appreciated as well!
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below. Limit 350 words*
My parents and I pulled into a vacant parking space. Peering out the window, I saw a clean but deserted street. Immediately in front of our car was a building with a bright orange sign that read "Little Kitchen". The door and windows were covered with a beige colored paper. My father cut the engine, and prompted us to follow him into the building. There were buckets of leftover paints on the ground, newspaper scattered; and further inside, I saw a fryer, grill, and stoves all lined up in a row.
"It's almost done! We'll be opening in a week," my father said.
I stood there for a moment absorbing in the events of the hectic week. Evicted from our apartment in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, my parents announced that we would be moving to Westchester Mamaroneck and opening a small restaurant. That "we" didn't include my sisters and grandma, for they were staying in Flushing, Queens. I was completely lost, separated from my siblings who I grew up with for thirteen years and my friends who I planned to graduate middle school with. Instead, I was starting fresh in a small and unfamiliar town.
Unfortunately, the unstable business obstructed my parents from hiring many workers. Instead, I was exhorted to work nights after school, and all day on the weekends. Throughout all of high school, I have been juggling school and work. Although I won't lie and say that it was easy, I definitely consider it a fruitful experience that exposed me to the business world. I've interacted with all kinds of customers, both nice and not so nice, greeting each one with the same cheerful smile. Through experience, I have learned to put my pride aside and apologize because after all, customers are always right. Due to my parent's choppy English, I've been forced to grow independent and creatively come up with solutions to problems that arise. My work experience has allowed me to shed my timid cloak. These four years have expanded my boundaries of comfort and has taught me many valuable lessons.
How did you learn about Vassar and what aspect of our college do you find appealing? Limit 350 words*
I stared at the immense book on my desk: Fiske Guide to Colleges. There is no way I thought, absolutely no way that I could find my ideal college looking through that. Nevertheless, I tried, flipped through the endless pages until I was overcome with frustration and sought out my guidance counselor for assistance instead. Promptly after learning that yes, I wanted to stay in New York and no, I didn't have a set occupation in mind, he suggested that I looked into Vassar, a beautiful liberal arts college merely an hour's drive away.
Feeling skeptical, I visited Vassar's website. However, after a bit of research and exploration through the virtual tour my doubt was washed away and I was in love. The campus's beauty is unfathomable, leaving me dreaming of a chance to delve into its delicacy. I long to read in the Thompson Library, lounge in the Shakespeare Garden, and study the large ranging styles of the academic and residential buildings. At Vassar, I would be able to enjoy the serenity of Sunset Lake and have the bustling streets of NYC within reach.
However, I'm not just intrigued by the beauty of Vassar. I'm drawn in by the small class sizes, which would allow me to interact with my professors, and the diverse student body. Having grown up in the great melting pot, New York City, I'm fascinated by the cultures of the vast world. I'm anxious to join Vassar's masses, to offer my share of unique cultural background.
Perhaps more than anything, I am intrigued by Vassar's flexible and challenging curriculum. Since I spent my high school years crushed between the pressures of academic work and my family's restaurant business, I was not given the opportunity to discover myself through the exploration of my interests. I feel that through liberal arts education at Vassar, I will be able to study a broad range of topics while discovering new interests.
I aspire to launch the newest journey in my life at Vassar, and spend the next four years growing and preparing to make an impact in this world.
I think that this is a very good example to use for this type of essay question. Aside from general grammatical and word usage issues, (which I've suggested alternates to below), I think it's also very good that you included how this business has benefitted you. However, depending on what you want to major in, or wherever your passion is, I think you should try to connect how this experience was a very helpful developmental experience for you on that path. Anything social should be easy, considering that you had to correspond with many customers for your parents. So, as a general rule: Try to really emphasize the effect that this experience had, and how having it will change your experience in college.
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below. Limit 350 words*
My parents and I pulled into a vacant parking space. To my side was a clean but deserted street. Immediately to my front was a building with a bright orange sign that read "Little Kitchen". The door and windows were covered with __ beige colored paper. My father cut the engine, and prompted us to follow him into the building. There were buckets of leftover paint_ littering the ground, newspaper scattered; and further inside, I saw a fryer, grill, and stoves all lined up in a row.
"It's almost done! We'll be opening in a week," my father said.
I stood there for a moment absorbing the series of events during the last hectic week. Evicted from our apartment in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, my parents announced that we would be moving to Westchester Mamaroneck and opening a small restaurant. That "we" didn't include my sisters or grandma, who were staying in Flushing, Queens. I was completely lost, separated from my siblings who I grew up with for thirteen years and my friends who I planned to graduate middle school with. Instead, I was starting fresh in a small and unfamiliar town.
Unfortunately, the unstable business obstructed my parents from hiring many workers. Instead, I was exhorted to work nights after school, and all day on the weekends. Throughout all of high school, I have been juggling school and work. Although I won't lie and say that it was easy, I definitely consider it a fruitful experience that exposed me to the business world. I've interacted with all kinds of customers, both nice and not so nice, and greeted each one with the same cheerful smile. Through experience, I have learned to put my pride aside and apologize instead, because after all, customers are always right. Due to my parent's choppy English, I've been forced to grow independent and use my creativity to come up with solutions to problems that arise. My work experience has allowed me to shed my timid cloak. These four years have expanded my boundaries of comfort and has taught me many valuable lessons.
