How I came to love computers - U of I Admission Essay

Essay 1 - In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.

If given the privilege to attend the University of Illinois, I would choose a major of Computer Science. Since I was a young child, I have always held a very deep interest in computers. I have always been amazed at the way their technology progresses, changes, and advances. My fascination began as a very young boy when my father brought home a computer for the first time in 1995. I was amazed at what it was and what it could do. Being a young child, I couldn't begin to understand the science and technology that was involved with bringing this machine to life. However, as technology matured, so did I. As I grew, I began to more and more understand the inner workings of the personal computer. When 5th grade started, I joined the computer club as soon as I could. I learned even more about computers and how they work. Shortly after that, I began saving my money and built my first computer from parts on the internet. This opened up a world of new opportunities for me. I started spending more and more time at the computer and learned my first programming language - BASIC. As soon as I got into high school, I got into as many computer classes my school offered as possible. Freshman year was keyboarding and software applications, Sophomore was Cisco Networking and Oracle database programming, and Junior year was HTML web design and graphic design. Currently, I am starving for more computer knowledge and have began to teach myself the Python programming language as well as JavaScript. In the future, I hope to earn a Master's Degree in Computer Science and use my knowledge to help design new software that further advances computers and the way we use them.

overall the essay is not bad

but it ll b better if u explain about ur future goal with more detail n in a greater length.

4th line - i couldn't understand the science and technology...
6th line - it should be, 'I began to understand the inner workings of the personal computer'. The 'more and more' should be removed. It produces some kind of redundancy.

Thanks guys!

If given the privilege to attend the University of Illinois, I would choose a major of Computer Science. ---- this is like a boxer wasting a lot of energy at the beginning of round one.

You can express the same meaning as part of a sentence that packs a harder punch.
The privilege of studying computer science at the University of Illinois would _________
This way, the subject of the sentence conveys the same information as the whole sentence you had written, so you can actually make a new statement with the sentence. What will you use this opening sentence to say?

Since I was a young child, I have always held a very deep interest in computers. I have always been amazed at the way their technology progresses, changes, and advances.----- again, condense these two sentences into just a few words:

My longstanding interest in computers ---- use it as the subject of the sentence and say something interesting with the sentence. It is not necessary to tell the reader that computers have continuously changed. Never state the obvious unless you are being sarcastic.