Explain your career goal(s) and the importance of a college education in attaining those goals.
My career goal is to be a psychologist. My fervent for psychology and how the human mind works first came from my love of the show, "Law & Order". I fell in love with how Dr. George Huang (B.D. Wong), a forensic psychologist who helps the investigators solve cases. The way he would figure people out and know what their really about caught my attention. My interest in psychology ...
Please give me some insight and criticism on this essay thank you.
My career goal is to be a psychologist. My fervor for psychology and how the human mind works first came from my love of the show, "Law & Order". I fell in love with how Dr. George Huang (B.D. Wong), a forensic psychologist, helps the investigators solve cases. The way he would figure people out and know what they are really about caught my attention. My interest in psychology not only came from "Law & Order," but also my for my love for helping people and my dislike for seeing people suffer. I plan to take some courses in psychology during my senior year to prepare for college and an career in the field. Are you already in your senior year? Because if you are it might be better to say "I am taking some courses" instead.
I have researched careers and colleges on psychology, and I realized that there are many different careers that you can take a psychology major into. As of now, I don't know what type of psychologist I want to be. Many colleges and universities have great programs and internships for people with a psychology major. In order for me to become a Psychologist I will have to go through a great deal of school. I plan on earning my Bachelors degree, Master's degree, and Doctoral Degree. It may be more concise if you just mention the Doctoral Degree, as it can be assumed that you will acquire the others along the way, but I guess whether you include that or not is up to you, as it is correct either way.
While I am still contemplating on what kind of psychologist I want to be, I plan on working with different organizations that help people with problems whether they areeconomic, emotional, or physical. Economical is an archaic form of economic, so I recommend just using economic, but again, either way is technically correct.
I am no expert on essay writing, so I pretty much just tweaked some mechanical errors (I may have missed some, and some of my changes may not be correct, but I did the best that I could).
The essay seems pretty good to me, it addresses the topic and is fairly concise about it.
I wish you good luck at getting into whatever college this essay is for.
Good evening.
I agree with Albo's comments and have a few of my own.
My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors, mainly in regards to punctuation and quotation marks as well as colons. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.
In regards to content, your conclusion is a bit abrupt. Remember that a conclusion is something to be gradually introduced and should be a wrap up of your whole paper, leaving your reader with a sense of closure and satisfaction.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thank you for the changes :)
Thank you :)
Thank you, but i dont have any money to buy that book (my mom would think its a waste) and I want to know after Albo's changes are the other grammtical erros gone or are they still there
Try your local libraries; they should have copies. Otherwise, you can look online for rules on punctuation. As my post states, there are other errors in the piece.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Scholarship Essay--grammar, spellings, etc-- (love for psychology)
Can someone please proofread my essay and provide feedback thanks
The scholarship is due tomorrow the 15th of Feb.
must submit a personal statement that provides information about their African American or Black Caribbean background, community involvement, career goals and desire to contribute to their community. Information about unique, personal or financial circumstances may be added. Personal statements must not be more than two pages in length.
(I don't feel right starting like this...should I start by introducing myself)
"Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal," (Pamela Vaull Starr). This quote means a lot to me. It both inspires and encourages me to dream deep, because that would ultimately lead me to my goals. One of my goals is to become a psychologist. My love for psychology and how the human mind works first came from my love of the show, "Law & Order". I fell in love with how Dr. George Huang (B.D. Wong), a forensic psychologist, helps the investigators solve cases. The way he would analyze people and profile the suspects caught my attention. My interest in psychology did not only come from "Law & Order," but also from my love for helping people and my dislike for seeing people suffer. I realized that there are many different careers in which you can utilize a psychology degree. As of now, I don't know what type of psychologist I want to be. I will love to obtain a graduate degree in psychology. While I'm still contemplating on what kind of psychologist I want to be, I plan on working with different non-profit organizations that help people with economical, emotional, or physical problems. I also have aspirations to implement a non-profit organization or club that will provide assistance and guidance to at risk youths.
The famous John F. Kennedy once said, "Never before has man had such a great capacity to control his own environment, to end hunger, poverty and disease, to banish illiteracy and human misery. We have the power to make the best generation of mankind in the history of the world."(Is it bad to have too much quotes?). This quote and more is why I believe that giving back to the community is essential in life. Helping those who are less fortunate gives me a sense of relief. I know that I will make a difference in someone's life, and that gives me hope for a better tomorrow. Every contribution we make, either giving a pat on the back or a helping hand, can change a person's life, and ultimately change the world. Giving back to the community has also changed me into a better more appreciative person. I have accumulated 646 service hours over the course of my high school years. Over these years not only have my hours developed, but myself as well. These activities have cultivated and influenced me to dedicate my life to service to my community.
My family has also influenced my morals and my life. I am of Haitian descent. My mother and father were born and raised in Haiti. Even though they both moved to America prior to meeting each other, they did so because they wanted to better their lives. By relocating to America they not only lost a part of them, but also gained hope for a better tomorrow. With all the turmoil's and problems in Haiti it is hard for one to be able to live properly and have all the necessary things. But I pray every day that Haiti will come from under its hard times and once again become a place that my mother always told me about. A place where food was plentiful and came fresh off the trees and children didn't die of starvation. A place where kidnappings and murders were not a form of business. (I know this is grammatically incorrect but I don't know how to fix it up). I know that one day a time of change will come in Haiti. As a young child I was raised in a diverse atmosphere. Being Haitian and living in America has opened my eyes to a lot of things. For example, I know that living in America and taking advantage of the opportunities instilled here a stairway to lead me to success. My mother gave up a lot just so me and my brothers can have an opportunity to open doors to a better life; education being the key. (Also, do you think I really covered my "Caribbean background" well?)
I have been financially unstable all my life. Ever since I was a child, my mother couldn't support all my three brothers and me financially and as a result we all had to live without certain things like Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, and new clothes. Things were especially hard financially after my parents got divorced when I was around 6 or 7. My mother had to get a job to support my three brothers and me. After younger my brother was born bills were piling up. One day, we got a letter from the landlord saying we had to move out. The next day, we packed our stuff up to be put in storage while we stayed at a hotel. Finding a place to stay was hard. We moved from hotel to hotel until we couldn't afford it anymore. My mom started working with my step-dad as a janitor to take care of us. There were times where we would sleep in the car, wake up and take a bath in the bathroom my mom and step-dad cleaned. At school, I was often ostracized by my peers because of my thrift shop shoes and clothes. I was ashamed; my mother told me that if I chose to live for others then I shouldn't be living at all. I eventually got over the name calling and jokes. I realized that I should be grateful for what I have because someone else out there is worse than me. These financial burdens have been an obstacle in my life. They hindered me socially, physically, and mentally. Trying to cope with having little or nothing at all was hard, but like Friedrich Nietzsche said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." (This doesn't seem like a "conclusion," should I have another paragraph concluding what I just wrote about?)
Hello! I have some ideas for you. Do not tell them your academic and professional aspirations come from Law and Order, and especially do not START by telling them that. You cite good names, like Nietzsche, so don't start off weak by saying you like forensic psych because of a TV show.
Also, I recommend tentatively choosing a psych specialization in order to create the idea that you are resolute and clear about your convictions, what you intend to achieve.
Take these paragraphs that cut and paste them around in different orders... and see which order is best. Take the reader on a trip. I liked the line about being financially unstable for most of your life -- it is interesting...
That last paragraph could be summed up in 2 good sentences. Tighten it up.
Your grammar seems good!
You asked if it is bad to have too many quotes, and I think the answer is that it is bad to take up too much space with them. Include only what is necessary from the quote. Don't waste a single word in the whole essay.
Good luck tomorrow! One more revision ought to make it great!! You asked if you should start by introducing yourself, but the essay is one big intro of yourself... so.. start by introducing the ESSAY. Grab the reader's attention, and then tell them, in one sentence at the end of the intro paragraph, the cool, meaningful truth that is the main idea of the essay. Look at the essay again to find that cool, meaningful, central idea.
Your essay jumps about too much. I know that's difficult to avoid when the prompt list so many elements for you to cover, but try to come up with a clear thesis, a point you want to make about yourself, and tie everything back to that main point. Also, I'd say it's fine to say that Law and Order inspired you (its a great show), just make it clear that you recognize that the show shouldn't at this point be your main motivation, on a par with helping others. Good luck.
To Kevin- Thank you so much your advice will help me make my essay more consistent and organized.
To Sean-Thank you. I thought the same thing I didn't really like the whole placement of the paragraphs in my essay.
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