Career goals: Include a brief statement of your plans for the field of study

PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE FOR MY STATEMENT, THANKS!!
Electrical Engineer---My dream

I have set up plans for my future four-year study at the university. First of all, I will make following arrangements in my study for becoming an electric engineer:

1. At the beginning, I intend to complete my study of basic subjects like math, physics, and computer science. These basic subjects are necessary tools in my later professional learning.

2. Based on the fundamental knowledge, I will work hard to finish the core subjects required for an electrical engineer, and specialize on the Control System and Power System.

3. Then, I will effectively complete my design courses based on the acquired theories and that will be able to apply my electrical engineering knowledge base to the solution of engineering problems.

4. In addition, I will contact my parents' business partner in Germany. I seek more practical experiences during my future vacations to enhance theoretical knowledge acquired at the university and improve my ability dealing with the real problem.

5. I will develop not only the technical and problem-solving skills the engineers need, but also the skills for teamwork, communication and leadership.

Describe how your college education will allow you to achieve your personal and professional goals.

I hope that, upon my graduation from the university, I can come back to my family plant with advanced management ideas and techniques. Thus, we will be able to provide the perfect products for our customers. Certainly, if the opportunity permits, I will continue my graduate study in Engineering Management.

My objective at the beginning is to be an excellent electrical engineer where my interest lies. However, my long-term objective is to become a professional, communicative engineer due to my major career. Meanwhile, I am responsible for developing myself as a competent manager because I would like to bring my parents' business into one of the world famous organizations.

I grew up along with my parents' business development, which marked the beginning of my fascination with engineering. I was praised for the assembly of a small component at the age of five. In the following years, I often tried to do something which I was capable of for the plant. In 2006, I first saw the five-axis CNC: under the control of the computer system, the manipulator, working quickly, transferred 3D drawings into actual models. All this came from the perfect combination of mechanics, electricity and computer. I considered that the process is just the same as our body: the computer, like the brain, sent out the instruction, while the electric component provided power just like human blood, and mechanical component completed actions like human bones and muscles. All of them made me fascinated. However, what I love the most was the electrical engineering.

I was deeply attracted by Purdue University half a year ago when a questionnaire indicated that it was one of the Top Ten U.S. Universities where the hands-on skillful students enjoyed best gyms and best employment rate. I immediately began to search on websites for everything relevant to the university. I like the Chinese pronunciation of Perdue. It reminds me of Pu Du Zhong Sheng as preached in Buddhism, and coincides with my conduct rules of being kind and helpful to others as much as possible.

I chose Purdue because of its remarkable teaching and RD capability. What touched me most is its powerful strength in Engineering and great achievements. It is equipped with perfect labs and has produced by far lots of world-class top professors, US Engineering Academicians, 22 astronauts including Neil Armstrong as well as many eminent Chinese scientists like Deng Jiaxian. Meanwhile, Purdue has its unique major settings, special characteristic and advanced ideas in running the university as well as its multinational student sources from over 130 countries. Its learning communities will help me and my classmates to learn from each other, learn multi-faceted cultures, improve our communicative capability and enhance team spirit. The integrity that Perdue advocates in its idea of education is the basic necessary quality for a promising excellent engineer and enterprise manager.

I believe I can develop not only the technical and problem-solving skills engineers need, but also the "people" skills-necessary for success in my future career. All these knowledge and skills can be found in the university.

Thus in my senior high school, I took A-LEVEL course which largely focused on combining the theory with facts. In this way, my talent and intellect could be maximized, and laid a solid foundation for my future study in engineering.

MIKE LU

... marked the beginning of my fascination with engineering.

That is just an idea.

Maybe you should cut out some unnecessary phrases, like this:

It seemed that I had begun to love everything in the factory since I was praised for the assembly... I think it is better without that first part of the long sentence -- clearer.

In your numbered list, you don't need At the beginning, Then, In addition,

I love how you explained at the end that you want to bring your knowledge from your education back to help your family's business!! Please write another sentence or two about that aspiration somewhere in the essay! Excellent.

Very thanks for your help

but I wonder how to write another sentence or two about that aspiration somewhere in the essay?

and could you please give me instruction or example??

thanks
mike lu

It seems straightforward enough, and I get the main points you are making. But 'thus' shows up too much, and there are some quite-wordy sections that can be reduced, as Kevin mentioned. I think that if you'll read through this carefully, knowing that clear, simple and direct is the best approach, you'll find places where it is just too wordy and tends to wander off from the main topic.

Thanks for your advices. I get you!
Well, I read my essay again, and found some problems. Actually, my native language is not English, you know, sometimes I just cannot express my idea clearly, accurately and briefly.

If you have time, I would like you to offer me some more specific suggestions, I mean, something I need to cut off, or some details I need to mention.

Strengthen the first and last paragraphs:

My objective at the beginning is to be an excellent electrical engineer, because this is where my interest lies. However, my long-term objective is to become a professional, communicative and management competent manager, because this is my responsibility. I am responsible for developing myself as a manager, because my parents' business...

I think you should add a little to that first paragraph, because it should give an answer to their question. "How will your education help you to achieve your goals?" So... you explain that you are interested in electrical engineering, and you say you need to participate in the family business, and then you should say something about the programs offered by this college. End your first paragraph with a sentence that answers their question.

I believe I can develop not only the technical and problem-solving skills engineers need, but also the "people" skills-necessary for success in my future career. After this sentence, you should say something about how the school will empower you to do that.

I want to also tell you that Dr. Yang Jwing Ming went to Purdue, and he is an important hero of mine. Maybe you can take inspiration from his work. He studies mechanical engineering, though.