Ello everyone,
So i'm writing my Common App essay on a significant experience, but i think it came out as way too much of a story. And opinions on this would be appreciated, and any other criticisms would be great as well. Thanks!
The nurses always talked about their patients passing. I could tell from the tone of their voices that something had happened, that they had lost somebody. It was something I was used to, hearing of people dying. Frankly, it was something I expected to hear, seeing as how the majority of the patients in the 4400 unit were over the age of eighty. But that's all it ever was, just something I heard. Just a story, and a familiar tone. It was never something I had seen. Not until that Sunday morning.
To his day, I do not know what compelled me to walk down the hall and just take a glance into the room the nurses and doctors had just rushed into. But I stopped my filing, and began walking down the hallway; I needed to see what was happening in that room, the thing that I had only heard of in passing.
What I saw was, at first, the moment I had been waiting for all of my three years of volunteering at Suburban. I was about to witness a doctor save a life. The entire situation made me feel like I was in an episode of Scrubs or House. It had all the components: doctors bursting dramatically through the doors, a patient on the verge of death, and now even the classic moment in which the doctor screams "clear" and presses the paddles of the defibrillator to the chest of the patient and sends that life-saving shockwave.
But that last crucial component was missing. I kept on waiting for a heartbeat to appear on the monitor, but it never did. Walking away from the room, I was truly shocked by what I had just seen. It was the side of medicine I had not given any thought too.
I finished up the rest of the day and went home as usual. I didn't mention it to anyone in my family. As far as they were concerned, it was just another day of filing papers and delivering water. I wouldn't have even known what to say to them, because I wasn't even sure how I was handling it.
It wasn't until later that night that it really hit me. I had watched a man die. The closest thing I had ever experienced to that outside of a TV screen was the death of my grandfather, but I was only six and had never known him. Sitting there on my bed, I was forced to seriously consider the path that I wanted to choose in life.
A career in medicine had been a dream of mine for quite some time, but up until that point it was nothing more than a naive child's dream. I had to ask myself a simple yet incredibly complicated question that night: Would dealing with death on an almost a daily basis be something that I could handle? This has been a question I have been wrestling with for a while now, but there is one thing I am absolutely certain of. The emotional pain that accompanies a failed attempt at saving someone's life is a pain I could deal with, but I would not be able to live with myself knowing that I had let the opportunity to at least try pass me by.
First of all Alec, EXCELLENT.
The dilemma and the line when you say, it hit me the night. Your mental shock for the whole day and all that was awesome. This is real and doesn't come across as a child faking here. Really cool.
One point,
1) The last para... it is the most disappointing part as it comes as a dampener. To try.... really? The point is a doctor's profession is very harsh. Many times its the doc. who is blamed for death of patients. (Sometimes its true.) But, you need to mentally prepared to see the blood, the cut up skin, the smell.... these are not easy things. Be specific... You are ready to plunge because its your ambition to wear that white coat or no, you graciously accept defeat. You may even want to to consider your career. Decide on your career and be specific.
Problem is you do say that you can deal with pain, but the feel and tone of essay have something different to say. A doctor's life is tough and world today competitive. Once decided, you cannot step back.
That's all and otherwise, I am confident....your essay would be accepted. ;) Cheers.
PS: Could you edit my essay also. Thanks.
Hi!
I loved your essay! Having been in medicine myself for almost 14 years, I can certainly appreciate your thoughts and your concerns. One really never gets a chance to prepare for death -- no matter what is done! Death is not something we all think about all the time, and I think that you captured that in your essay.
I certainly do wish you luck with your endeavors while you pursue a career in medicine, if that is what you end up doing. It sounds like you have prepared for it. Your essay speaks volumes in that regard.
Mark :)
Thanks Mark!
I was wondering what your thought were on the last sentence. The more i read it the more awkward it becomes to me, as if the sentence structure changes after the coma. Also, do you think this essay could possibly be a Boston University/Hopkins caliber essay?
Hi again, Alec,
With respect to the last sentence in your essay, I think that it's interesting. I offers the reader somewhat of a dilemma with respect to their own thoughts -- and how the reader might think about saving someone's life as opposed to possibly having the opportunity to do so, and yet, passing it by. Of course, this is not something that anyone in his or her right mind would ever think about doing, but it does represent a bit of a conundrum, wouldn't you say? For instance, with regard to your own thoughts that you expressed in your writing, you would not have passed by the opportunity to help save someone's life, but you didn't know what was happening in that room until you entered it or came close to the door. At that point, you saw and heard the physician giving the orders for the cardio-conversion; but yet, you did not walk away -- you stayed there and witnessed the death of a person, even though you were not in a position to help at that point in your life or career. However, believe me, if you do enter the field of medicine, you will see a lot of people die; you will see death in a different way; and at times, you will feel as though you are somewhat removed from it, for one has to be that way in order to survive in the field.
With regard to the essay, however, and whether it is material of a Boston University or Hopkins caliber, as you put the question, I would have to say that you ought to re-work it first. I do know that a good writer understands that the first and subsequent re-writes are always better than the first draft, and I think that you might find a better way of expressing yourself in a re-write. Give it a try. I will be glad to critique it if you send it to the forum!
Mark :)
Well of course this is probably the first of many re-writes that will occur over the next few weeks, but regardless thanks again Mark, your comments have been invaluable, especially those involving the experiences i will have to face in the future i would like for myself. As soon as i have a re-write i'll put it up here
I think Mark is right also. As I said doctor's career is tough and should not be done for the sake of taking up an opportunity that has come your way. By stepping down from decision in conclusion would support the tone you have set. However, if your going for this branch then, work on the tone because I think you must not give the impression that you are weak and not up to handling this career to admission office. Let's not take any chance to face rejection because one may get that feel.
Looking forward for your next post.
hey alec, good job on your essay it was great.
but i do think it was kinda objective and maybe it needs a little more "flowery" parts if you get what i mean.
for instance, "Walking away from the room, I was truly shocked by what I had just seen. It was the side of medicine I had not given any thought too.
maybe u could add some points in the middle of those 2 sentences for example-"at that moment i wondered how would the doctors feel,as the life of yet another one of their patient..."
well it doesnt add any new points but at least it could give a more interesting tone to your story.=)
and its just what i think and you could chose to ignore this if you want to.lol.
anyway do comment on my thread! thanks =D
maybe u could add some points in the middle of those 2 sentences for example-"at that moment i wondered how would the doctors feel,as the life of yet another one of their patient..."
That was my point in talking with Alec about the essay in the first place, in my last statement to him. I don't think that doctors, on the average, have the time to reflect on such things as they continue to practice their craft. It's impossible 'not' to have a heart when practicing medicine or any other field that involves helping the human spirit; but to think that physicians think about each and every thing that happens to them in the field in such a manner is simply not the way things happen. Like any other profession, people get 'caught up' in their own little world and while they might have the growth and empathy to deal with specific problems that arise in the field, such as when a patient dies, they typically lack the ability to adjust to such tragedy each and every time it happens. Death is part of the life cycle, and that is the way some physicians are having to deal with the subject of dying.
I think Alec did well in capturing his audience with his essay.
Mark :)
I really liked your essay. You did a lot to set up the big statement at the end about not letting the opportunity to at least try pass you by. I also think it is good, for yourself if not for your application, to have had that experience to truly prepare you for something like that in the future.
wow good thing u brought that up,my comments could've actually ruin his chances.ahaha sorry alec =)
I love the way this essay sucks the reader in. Its very well written.
I personally like the last sentence the way it is. I think its thought-provoking; its not a sentence you can read and then immediately move on to thinking something else. Plus, it gives a "looking towards the future" feeling to the paper, but not in the traditional kind of way.
