I am submitting my transfer essays soon and would love any feedback that anyone has on them! I really want to get into this school so please be very honest! Here is the prompt and essay:
The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences ...
changes in perception who i want to be
Throughout my childhood, my career aspirations have always changed. When I was seven, I wanted to be a pastry chef and decorate extravagant cakes for extravagant people. When I was ten, I wanted to be a lawyer. When I was eleven, I wanted to be a psychologist so that I could understand the human mind and try to help people overcome their own vices. When I was twelve, the goal was to be an NFL broadcaster, and then I wanted to be a player agent, then a sports marketing director. Finally, I realized at about 16 years old that there was a trend to work in the sports-business world, but it was very hard for me to choose a single path to follow with all of the options.
Throughout high school, I convinced myself that I was not a great student or learner. I was ranked 141 out 435 students which meant that I was only in the top 32% of my class; not the worst, but definitely not the best. Because of my relatively low ranking, I was offered PSA at A&M, which is essentially a contingent admission based on whether or not I could last a year at a satellite campus. I did not accept this offer, and ended up deciding to move to Washington to fulfill my dream of living close to my family. I enrolled in Everett Community College and it changed my life. At first it was very difficult for me to accept that I would not be attending a four-year university because it was never my plan to start off at a two-year. It was here that I realized that I had the capability of doing much better than I did in high school. The reality of the situation is that I did not try hard enough and it impacted my life in a very present negative way. It made me feel lost in terms of where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing with my life, and it lowered my confidence significantly because I told myself that I wasn't smart enough to compete with the 140 kids that were ranked above me.
For as long as I can remember, I always had a sizable interest in the medical world, but I never thought I had the capability of becoming a doctor, because science did not come naturally to me. I did not think it was impossible to become a doctor, but I did think it was highly improbable. That is, until I got to college. My experience at EvCC has been the best and most influential academic experience that I have ever had. Here, I have thrived in my classes and have been an active part of the school's community. My professors have motivated me to push myself to study harder and to make the grades that I know I am capable of. The class that gave me a crystal clear outlook of my ten-year plan was Physics. Physics was the hardest class I took in high school and I barely passed it. I did not think it was possible for me to really learn and understand the material of the course, but when I took it in college, it was completely different. I told myself going into the start of the quarter that I was going to push myself to study and understand the material instead of just passing the class. I ended the course with an A- and felt more motivated than ever.
At the University of Texas, I want to be listed as a Kinesiology major in the College of Education. I will do the required coursework and apply for the undergraduate Athletic training program. Once I complete my bachelor's degree and graduate from the program, I plan on attending medical school, preferably Dell Medical School, and enlist in the army as a doctor. I think the experience that I will gain as a military doctor will be beneficial to my ultimate career goal, which is to become a sports medicine doctor since many of the injuries that military doctors assess are related to physical activity. Eventually, I would love to work as a sports medicine doctor for a professional sports team. No matter if I reach my end goal or not, this path will give me a variety of options that will all satisfy my career goal to work in a fulfilling environment, helping treat injuries.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Morgan, try to focus on the actual purpose behind the reason for your transfer. If you are transferring based upon the desire to become Kinesiologist then the whole statement should lead up to that point. The way that you started the essay is good. Showing your indecisiveness up to a certain age. However, it could have been better if your continued it on to the point where you came to realize that Kinesiology is the course for you. What motivating factors led to this decision aside from your finally passing Physics with an A-? There is no clear extenuating circumstance that proves your determination to succeed in this course. Everything that you mentioned are past mistakes of a foolhardy teenager. There has to be a more compelling circumstance that led you to this decision. Perhaps a realization that you have a medical calling but you still want to involved in the world of sports somehow? The essay basically lacks a climax. The point where everything turned around for you and gave you a purpose to pursue this field of study. I know that you can come up with this reason. You just need to give yourself time to find that purpose. Maybe you will find it in the revised version.
