I wrote an essay to Carnegie Mellon Supplement.
Please give me some comments.
I really appreciate your help in advance.
Prompt: Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know.
Major: Electrical and Computer Engineering/ Computer Science
I have been addicted to Harry Potter since I first read it, and I have read it over 100 times. I still believe in a sort of magic which can bring light, warmth, and hope to the darkness. One person who can do all these magical things is an electrical and computer engineer who designs electrical systems and creates useful applications for bio-optics, communication, and data analysis to name a few.
While participating in the Institute of Science Education for the Gifted and Talented at Y University, I had a chance to explore my potential as a computer engineer in a team research project entitled "Finding New Methods to Generate Nth-Order Magic Squares" under the supervision of prestigious professors at Y University.
As magic squares have a long history, finding a new way seemed nearly impossible. The number of possible cases that we had to consider approached infinity. In addition, whenever we thought that we had found a creative way, it had already been found centuries ago. The only option for us was studying all the available operations so that we could at least understand the principles of the magic squares. Surprisingly, our last trial was successful. The technique for making specific-order magic squares could be expanded to make general-order ones. Soon, we discovered that finding a general means to create a magic square was closely related to writing computer programs. The squares were allocated by malloc-function, and generated numbers were stored in the heap region by int-pointer. Finally, our program was able to generate magic squares of any composite number order from magic squares of a prime number order. This research project sharpened my curiosity and broadened my perspective in computer language.
Added to my interest in computer, my love for exploring people's educating system as I tutored at X College made me want to develop artificial learning process. I believe that like human learns from various resources, artificial intelligence should be made to process information from a broad range of sources. Studying computer system and electric circuit design courses at Carnegie Mellon University will nourish me with its diverse internship opportunities, prestigious faculty in this field, junior and senior projects. After learning fundamentals of the electrical and computer engineering, I want to participate in Professor XX's Research in Image Processing to examine if applying equivalence relation of the partition of a received image set can help the artificial intelligence to rate the data's accountability and relativity to get the essence of complex images.
Even more, Carnegie Mellon University would provide a strong background to pursue advanced study and research in electrical and computer engineering. Having developed some fundamental knowledge of engineering at X College, I would like to achieve a deeper understanding and creativity in electrical and computer engineering through higher level lectures and experiments which I can apply the knowledge gained from core classes. Since Carnegie Mellon offers diverse engineering seminars, it would be so exciting to hear many esteemed speakers' and other students' opinions. Such communication opportunities will further my knowledge and motivation. Also, as I participate in Carnegie Mellon's subdivided and liberal research projects, my potential as an electrical and computer engineer will be actualized to its fullest.
I desire to collaborate and to harmonize with talented colleagues as an active member of Carnegie Mellon, so that I can contribute towards its passionate learning environment as well as my own academic and personal improvement.
The only option for us was to studyall the available operations...
The technique for making specific-order magic squares could be expanded to make general-order ones. I think the word 'ones' here doesn't sound right. What about, "...expanded to make those of general order." (?)
Added to my interest in computers , my love for exploring people's education systems as I tutored at X College made me want to develop an artificial learning process.
I believe that like humans learns from various resources, ...
... level lectures and experiments in which I can apply the knowledge gained from core classes.
I think you should tie this all together by saying something else about magic or Harry Potter! Maybe even a quote from the book that would fit well at the end of this essay? Then you will always have this cool knowledge, or secret, that the magic of Harry Potter helped get you into this school!
:)
In order to show a clear answer to the prompt, pretend you have to answer the question in a single sentence, and write that sentence at the end of the first paragraph. I suggest putting that short 2nd paragraph together with the first, and then adding one more sentence to the end of it - the thesis statement that answers the prompt clearly and directly.
That will make the rest of the essay powerfully support your answer to the prompt.
:-)
