"celebrated, not tolerated"; Common App/Personal Statement(transfer)

Please provide a statement (appr. 250-500 words) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

Celebrated, Not Tolerated
My reasons for wanting to be an engineer are identical to why my family members choose their career path: I am passionate about it. I fell in love with engineering when I was a child. Having been born into a family of engineers and raised in a third world country, my passion was a bittersweet experience. I grew up with my grandfather, who is among China's first generation of engineers, and my father, a top-notch chemical engineer. I knew I would follow suit the first day I entered my grandfather's workshop. While the rest of my friends played outside, I happily spent my time indoors listening to my grandfather stress the importance of Newton's Laws. For years, the workshop was constructive and enjoyable. In fact, it gives me an edge on my math and engineering performance through out my school years, and makes me more certain about my dream. I believe speaking about one's dreams increases the chance of achieving them, so I didn't hesitate to tell my classmates all about the occupation I knew I would one day pursue.

My life changed dramatically when I moved to America at the age of fourteen. It was the first time I had lived with my father, but he was working two jobs so I didn't see much of him. I entered the 9th grade with limited English, and no friends to speak of. I spent a significant amount of time just trying to fit in, and the dream I once had so much passion for slowly faded away. I began college with my future occupation in the back of my mind, and passed time hanging out with my American friends. Despite the friendships I succeeded in making, I couldn't shake the overwhelming feeling of emptiness I often experienced at the end of each day. Something was missing.

I decided to seek advice from a role model. During the fall break of college I asked my father, "Why my life is such a bore?" My father did not give me a direct answer, but instead showed me his old journal. The journal contained the history of my father's journey to chemical engineering, including the obstacles he faced and how his determination helped him to overcome them. The journal inspired me to pick up what I am passionate about and never give it up. As I read, my familiar love and fascination of engineering slowly returned. Since that, I planted a seed in my mind of what I want my life to look like for my future, and this time I will stop for nothing.

In order to make my dream seeds grow into realities, I have to find the right soil. The current college I attend does not represent my best performances. I want to study somewhere I can work to my full potential and take my engineering skills to the next level. The right soil would be the place where I am celebrated, not where I am tolerated.

any feed back, suggestion, and correction is highly appreciated!!!:)

I liked your essay. There are a few grammatical errors though.


you should change it to Why my life is so boring.

Also you have used I almost in every sentence of the essay. Try to reduce it a bit. The essay sounds a bit monotonous due to that.







these are a few examples from the first paragraph of the essay.

The sentence in a whole is not correct. first of all you should be saying,My reasons to be an engineerthen the rest of the line, I couldn't make out what you wanted to say. from further reading I think you wanted to say:

My reasons to be an Engineer is partly because of my family members and partly as I am passionate about it.
or something like that


It should bethemormy grandfather . If the latter one then you have to substitute the latter highlighted part withhis workshop




Why my life is so boring?

So you have told about "ONE SEED" and just in the following line you went onto "SEEDS".. So think about it and turn it into SEED or SEEDS.

Should you be saying that the current college you attend doesn't show your best performances or it doesn't give you the opportunities to excel in your performance? or should you be saying both? Or is it not technologically equipped enough to provide you with what you need? Again think about it and then show the causes..

You mentioned about your Grandfather earlier and said you spent a lot of time in his workshop and that's how you got into engineering... So shouldn't you pull him back again in the end!

I struggle to find the meaning of this sentence.
Also I find you consume too many sentences telling your family background which is full of engineers. It's ok to mention that you come from a family which has an engineering background, but you should not dedicate almost one full para for that. It does not add much value for your answer.