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"First time ditched class" - UC transfer personal statement prompt 2

pokon 1 / -  
Nov 23, 2011   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

I hung up the phone with my mother after letting her know the news, went back to class, and spent my gloomy day knowing that I was not joining the Chemistry team representing my high school to compete at the Nationals. "It is not going to be next time", I thought to myself. But what hurt me the most was that I knew, deep down, what caused me to not passing the entrance exam.

It was the first time I have ever skipped class, out of my perfect attendance records in thirteen years. My eighth-grade Chemistry teacher was giving a lecture on Reduction-Oxidation Reaction. "I will catch up later", I thought and joined my friends to a popular movie premiere at the time. I came back the next days without a clue and stubbornly kept underestimating one of the most essential concepts of Chemistry. It did not hit me until the day I was not one of the selectively chosen students, and what I missed was the exact material on Redox Reaction, to which I did not pay enough attention.

Knowing the high demand for colleges in Vietnam, I threw away the best opportunity to have a boost of consideration. At that point, I understood that no matter how hard I tried, there would not be any as valuable chances as the one I missed. I came to the United States few years later hatching the dream to start over. I applied to Orange Coast College majoring Chemistry, carried with me the sad memory to remind me every day that I will not derail again. I surprisingly realize that after the painful experience, I still make Chemistry my life.

I would be lying if I say that I was glad that I did not come to class on that day. Although I wish I could undo what I had done, I am thankful that I had a chance to realize and appreciate my failure so that I could find my focus in life again. My mother, though came to witness my first detention, would never know the story I just told, nor would she understand my motivations for the major I chose. But we share the joy of my decision and the pride of my patience and resistance to giving up. After being released a few months later, I bought the DVD of the movie which I skipped class for, watched it occasionally to reminisce my playful teenage years, and also to keep the evidence of the moment that changed my life.

feel free to fix anything! thank you so much! every feedback is appreciated!
ktzluke10 1 / 4  
Nov 24, 2011   #2
Make sure you say what u learned from it and make that the most important part of your essay. Also i stopped reading to let you fix the grammer errors yourself. The mother part in the last paragraph was a bit random. In the whole essay sounds like you were complaining rather than doing anything. I suggest write about a better topic, something that you are proud of rather than this. GL HF! And help me edit mine too!
Ellis - / 10  
Nov 24, 2011   #3
Do not use this as your second prompt.

The message I get from this essay is : "I ditched class; I remeniscue about it."
ElyGeoSav 1 / 7  
Nov 24, 2011   #4
While I think you have a valuable lesson to share, I don't think you pull it off enough so it is more than just talking about that one time you ditched class. Unless you are able to fix up your essay and make it clear what you learned, I would recommend picking a different topic.

Also, you need to work on grammar. Have someone read over it and help you with that.

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