topic: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi
"Here we have a beautiful silk painting that was man-made in Pakistan! The bidding will begin at $10." As soon as "$10" was uttered by the auctioneer, bidding paddles began to shoot up like wildfire. "$15? I know you can do better than that! Aren't you the man who owns the Lamborghini?" Laughter erupted after this sly but foreseen move, along with the paddles. "$45. Do I see any more bidders?" After a few minutes of back-and-forth bids, the auction came to a close with a buyout price of $75. Considering we bought that painting for $15, my teammates and I were ecstatic. I mean, who wouldn't be if they knew every dollar was saving lives? But why was I at an art auction and how was I saving lives by auctioning art? The answer, believe it or not, was because along with seven of my other peers, we were the hosts. Together, we were Project ART.
Project ART, or Artisans Respected through Trade, is the brainchild of a group of students, including myself, from Palm Coast, Florida. Collaboratively, we purchased art pieces from third world countries through the non-profit Fair Trade Federation, resold the art through various events, and brought awareness to the community about how they can help. For every $1000 raised, a family of four was kept solvent for one year, which included water projects, schooling, food, shelter and medical needs. My team and I helped 32 people remain solvent. I can speak for the project when I say we were all in awe after we learned we had raised over $8000 in less than six months. But none of that would have been possible if it weren't for the program that encouraged us students to volunteer, Community Problem Solving.
Community Problem Solving (CMPS) has been a godsend. Not only has it allowed me to help serve my community by indentifying problems and solving them, but it has helped me develop dozens of excellent friendships and skills. For example, prior to my participation in CMPS, my public speaking skills were far from good; I would become nervous when my teachers told me to say an answer aloud. Because CMPS involves copious amounts of public speaking, I eventually became comfortable with the practice, and by the time Project ART was created, public speaking was "al natural." But more important than any skills one can learn, CMPS has taught me that through dedication and labor, one's work can provide life changing, and sometimes even life saving, results. I feel that next fall when I begin college, the skills that CMPS has enhanced, my experience with volunteering and my awareness that my work can help change peoples lives will greatly effect my college experience. I am confident that my presence at UF will be noticed. Like Mahatma Gandhi once said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
My team and I helped 32 people remain solvent, something that many high school students cannot say they did.
True but arrogant.
Stunning introduction but weaker conclusion. The surgeon thing comes so suddenly. I would say something that leads up to it or just take it out. A lot of the things that you say CMPS has taught you is not exemplified in your narrative. Perhaps you should focus on one thing like how CMPS taught you that your work can provide life changing results for deprived families instead of listing off everything that you've learned.
My familiarity with volunteering and the skills that community problem solving has taught me will benefit myself and the UF campus.
Community problem solving? You only solve problems in your narrative by gathering money.
And like problem solving, I feel that I will succeed in college and reach my goal of becoming a surgeon.
Like I said, this is too sudden.
I mean, who wouldn't be if they knew every dollar was saving lives? But why was I at an art auction and how was I saving lives by auctioning art? The answer, believe it or not, was because along with seven of my other peers, we were the hosts.
^You can cut that out altogether.
something that many high school students cannot say they did
^Yes, many high school students cannot say they did. They could have infact raised more. Altogether, there is no reason to use the pretentious card. Modesty tends to work best in Admission essays.
^All of these qualities you have listed, can be developed to make your essay more effective. You cay how these qualities have improved, and how it will
affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community
I'm not thrilled with the introduction. It's lively, that's true. But it's an awfully long narration of a relatively well-known phenomenon (bidding), with the total amount raised in that one instance -- $60 -- not particularly impressive. The project itself is, of course, impressive. I wonder if you have some other story from your work with that project that you could use to start this piece?
Yes, we can, inasmuch as we have the ability to do so. To the question you probably meant to ask, namely "will we do so," the answer is "no." As our terms of service make clear, it is our policy to leave old threads for others to learn from.
Btw: I like your essay. You were involved in a genuinely meaningful, impressive project, which is likely to go down well with the admissions officers.
