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(character in fiction, figure) Common App - "Chaconne"

kimisizer 6 / 16  
Dec 26, 2011   #1
Prompt: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

I sat in my pristinely organized room doing homework and studying for midterms. There were two issues with this scene: a teenager's room is never clean, and midterms were not for another three months. The problem was that I literally had nothing to do. A lack of passion and courage blocked me from escaping the confines of my room. As an eighth grader, I was still searching for a key to set me free. Only through musical enlightenment did I gain access to the outside world.

It was nearly four years ago when I discovered the magnificent realm of classical music. Perusing the Internet in my caged room, I chanced upon an intriguing video entitled "Chaconne by Vitali". Clicking on the link, I blankly watched as a young violinist strode onto stage. Uninterested, I moved to click the exit button when a striking chord suddenly pierced me, filling up the voids of my body. The violinist then led me through a transformative roller coaster of triplets and arpeggios that concluded with yet another piercing chord. An eternity of searching had finally ended as Chaconne unlocked the gateway to my destiny.

The passion exuded by both Vitali and the violinist thrust me out of my inactive shell. I became eager to speak the language of composers through an instrument. Immediately, I took up the trumpet and later the violin, practicing each with an unwavering commitment to mastery. Eventually, the objective black notes evolved into a blank canvas that I could personalize. Embellishing every phrase and adding subtle nuances to each melody, I interpreted each piece and displayed a piece of myself in my performances. This musical discovery filled me with a newfound determination needed to venture out into the world and uncover other suppressed abilities. Soon, I found myself embracing new challenges and activities, gradually shedding my former self.

Classical music guided my life from a limited world to one with unimagined liberty. Discovering Chaconne and its wonders was like unveiling a shroud of ignorance. Suddenly, I became aware of all the opportunities surrounding me. Propelled by courage and enthusiasm, I engaged myself in everything I enjoyed from science to tutoring, striving to be the best in each outlet. This growing pile of activities paired with a desire to fulfill myself allowed me to embody that actively involved student I had always yearned to be.

Now that I am living the high school dream, never do I want to return to my former prison. Undoubtedly, I owe my academic and extracurricular achievements to the works of composers long gone. In stagnant times, there is no magical device to inject me with passion, but I can always count on Vitali and his peers for inspiration. When I am in my geriatric years, I will still cherish the wondrous Chaconne, among other classical pieces. As a teenager however, I am already immersing myself in these often-overlooked masterpieces and integrating them into the fabric of a more purposeful life.

(495 words)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 27, 2011   #2
Let's keep the verb tense consistent:
There were two issues...

And I'll add a comma to separate the 2 halve of the compound sentence:
... with this scene: a teenager's room is never clean, and midterms were not for another three months.

This should be STRIVNG
... from science to tutoring, striving to be...

Very eloquent stuff, here: Undoubtedly, I owe my academic and extracurricular achievements to the works of composers long gone.

Maybe this can be simplified: When I am older (i.e. in my geriatric years, I will still marvel...

This is very well written. I think the reader will appreciate the enthusiasm and eloquence, and they'll probably respond favorably to it. Real inspiration is a tricky thing to capture, as you mentioned here, so it is impressive when a piece of writing reflects real inspiration. : )
OP kimisizer 6 / 16  
Dec 27, 2011   #3
Thanks for your feedback. I always have trouble with verbs so thanks for catching that. I can't believe I mixed up thriving with striving lol. I will go revise this again and hopefully come out with a finished product.
deremifri 9 / 137  
Dec 27, 2011   #4
I don't really understand the sense of the first sentence. Well, you wanted to make a joke,
but it does not work with me to be honest.
But you show great writing skills, as already mentioned.

So, I hope you could give me feedback on my essays.
OP kimisizer 6 / 16  
Dec 27, 2011   #5
Yea, I was iffy with that too. I was trying to convey that I had too much time on my hands and had nowhere productive to place it.
bookbug_xd 8 / 24  
Dec 27, 2011   #6
this essay is kind of like a "mountain out of a molehill" moment, and it's great! you described how a little experience suddenly changed your entire outlook and led you to pursue something you never thought you would!

This is great, and aside from a few grammar mistakes, I'd say this is a good example of personal statement and how you exhumed your hidden talents! :)
HopefulApplier 4 / 27  
Dec 27, 2011   #7
I think this is good. I love how you changed through the music. Good job!

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