Please choose one of your activities or another experience you would like to share and provide a short description of its importance to you. Include why that commitment could be relevant to your student experience at Penn State.
This is what i have so far...
People often take cheerleading lightly, but it can be back-breaking labor--literally. All Star Cheerleading has become one of the major priorities to which I have fully dedicated my time and energy. An experience that affected me deeply occurred in the Summer of 2008. During one practice, I attempted to execute a difficult skill and injured my back. An Orthopedic Surgeon's report showed that I had broken my spine in three places and therefore, could not
cheer in the upcoming season. I felt devastated and presumed that my cheerleading career had come to an end. I vowed to work to strengthen my back, and hoped to compete at The Cheerleading Worlds April 2009, in Florida. I expressed my dedication to my team by attending every practice to cheer them on and further unite with my teammates. I worked out at physical therapy twice a week to strengthen my spine as I persevered my goal of returning. After three short months, I returned to the Orthopedic Surgeon for an x-ray and the doctor seemed astonished by my quick recovery. The Orthopedic allowed me to compete by February, which surpassed my goal by two months. I believe that with determination and hard work, I can achieve anything.
Wow, this is a strong and original application essay.
Now, here is a list of the verbs you use, in the order you use them:
played . .. become . . . dedicated . . . was . . . happened . . . attempted . . . injured . . . went . . . found . . . broke . . . cheer . . . was . . . . believed . . . was . . . was . . . hoped . . . was . . . attended . . . cheer . . . stay . . . went . . . strengthen . . . returned . . . said . . . was . . .was . . . believe . . . do .
Notice how many of them are weak and/or abstract. Consider replacing most or all of these with stronger verbs, and your essay will become even better than it already is.
I felt devastated and presumed that
my cheerleading career had some to an end.
I vowed to work to strengthen my back, and hoped to be
able to compete by April 2009 at The Cheerleading Worlds, in
Florida.
I expressed my dedication to my team by attending every
practice to cheer them on and further unite with my
teammates.
For the past six years, All Star Cheerleading has played a
major role in keeping me busy and in shape. It has come to
be one of my major priorities, along with academics, that I
have fully dedicated my time and energy to. An experience
that affected me deeply occurred in Summer 2008. During
one practice, I pursued a difficult skill and injured my back.
Good. Now you need a much stronger opening statement.
Hey Brittney, I am also applying at Penn State. I just finished my statement: the title is "want to be a doctor" you could scroll to the bottom to see my finial revision.
for the closing you can probably try and through penn state in it; like I would bring my hard work and determination with me to penn state.. just try throwing it in there some how to see how you like it..
I know the word count is annoying but if it would brighten up your essay, try it.
