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US childhood and citizenship, although origins and heritage resides in India - Texas admission essay



SriramK 2 / 2  
Nov 27, 2015   #1
Any tips for improving it? I would specifically like help on the conclusion. Please Answer QUICK!! DEADLINE IN TWO DAYS!!

Q: Describe a setting in which you have collaborated or interacted with people whose experiences and/or beliefs differ from yours. Address your initial feelings and how those feelings were or were not changed by this experience.

I emigrated from the US to India after my 5th grade. Though my citizenship and childhood lie in the US, my origins and heritage resides in India. My parents wanted me to know where I really belong. Little did they know, after I crossed the Atlantic, how much I didn't.

In school, at the mall, even among my own family I was treated like an outsider once my birthplace was revealed. I may look the part of an Indian, but in the end it was always my accent which betrayed me. So much was I alienated, that I adapted to the local dialect to blend in with the crowd. I held on to my American accent, keeping in tune by using it with my close family, but changed styles the minute I stepped onto unfamiliar territory.

I found it nearly hard to make any friends. Nobody seemed to understand my situation, and no one would sit next to me in class. So many of my classmates would doggedly follow religious beliefs I knew nothing about, and would ask me if I was from another religion. At first I would lash out at anyone who would confront me, which made me even more of an outcast. I learned to keep myself in check and be tolerant of other's critical judgmental views. I could do nothing but succumb to the rumors, whispers and echoes that tailed me through the hallways of my school. I became reticent and an introvert, a constant fear of being judged badly crowding my thoughts.

'The only constant is constant change'. I fervently hoped it was true, because I knew that I couldn't resist the changes around me indefiately. The conflict between me and society kept up for three long years, up until high school. I had made all the mistakes I could during this time, and learnt some valuable lessons throughout. What I needed was a new beginning, so that I could put the mistakes I made behind me and the lessons I learnt in front. High school gave me the perfect opportunity to do just that.

My high school experience was even better than I expected. I joined FIITJEE (Forum for Indian Institute of Technology-Joint Entrance Examination), one of the many coaching institutes that populated India. Students are handpicked through rigorous 6-hour long examinations and coached in college-level concepts that are questioned in the JEE (Joint Entrance Examination). The students there were those who were different from the usual lot: they had IQ and problem-solving skill against the orthodox memory and recalling abilities. They were the ones like me who were brought up at home in environments similar to those in IB schools. They were the ones who could join the dots, look at the bigger picture and think out of the box. I acquired completely different paradigms from the friends I made here, adding it to my growing life skills.

It was during my junior year that I solidified my personality into the person I am now. 10th grade was my peak year in terms of both education and personality. I picked up so many characteristics from so many eccentric and unorthodox students. I learnt a lot of skills like negotiational skills, empathy and time management. But the most important one is keeping an open mind. It is the result of all the picking on by others on me. I came to realize that some of them simply believe that the rest of the world is the same as themselves. I know that's wrong, and so will have to keep an open mind to understand other people's outlook.

I believe that the years I have spent in India have transformed me into a hybrid variety: one who holds an American's innovative capability and independancy,and also one who embraces the Indian adaptability and sense of family values. The syllabi during the final two years have been too demanding to allow any character building experiences. But by then, I didn't need any more. I left a bit of my character left to be molded during college, because I believe UT Austin can contribute so much to me as a person. So I look forward to joining the University of Texas.

Ishaqur 5 / 13  
Nov 27, 2015   #2
So much was I alienated (change to "I was alienated to such a degree"), that I adapted to (remove to)the local dialect to blend in with the crowd. I held on to my American accent, keeping in tune by using it with my close family, but changed styles the minute I stepped onto unfamiliar territory.

I found it nearly hard (change to "very difficult") to make any friends.
justivy03 - / 2265  
Nov 27, 2015   #3
Sriram, I'd like to help out on your essay and we will do it one paragraph at a time.

- I foundfind it nearly hard to make any friends.
- I learned to keep myself in checked in and

- 'The only constant thing is constant change'.
- I fervently hoped it was true, because I knew that I couldn't resist the changes around me indefiatelyindefinitely .
- I had made all the mistakes I could during this time,
- and learnt some valuable lessons throughout this experience .
- What I needed was a new beginning, so that I could put the mistakes I made behind me
- and the lessons I learnt in front.forward

Sriram, as you can see there's still a lot of work to be done and I did a few already, I will get back to you as soon as I can.
justivy03 - / 2265  
Nov 27, 2015   #4
Sriram, here's the second part of the essay help.

- The students there were those who were different from the usual lot:, they
- I acquired a completely different

- up so many characteristicspractices from so many
- I learnt a lot of skills like negotiationalnegotiatingskills ,
- empathy and time management.
- But( try not to use "but" at the beginning of your sentence)T he most important

- have transformed me into a hybrid variety:individual
- one who holds an American's innovative capability and independancyindependence ,and also
- But by then, I didn't need any more.( this phrase is unnecessary )
- So I look forward to joining the University of Texas.

Sriram, after putting my corrections in, I feel that your essay lack a lot of elements to make it to this application, you have also have to justify

why UT should choose you or allow you to be part of the pack, what can you contribute to the institution and to the community as a whole.

Think about my suggestion and when you do, mind your spelling too, turn on that spell checker and review the rules on grammar and linking verb usage too.
OP SriramK 2 / 2  
Nov 27, 2015   #5
Thank you for the feedback justivy03.
How do you suppose I do that?
justivy03 - / 2265  
Nov 28, 2015   #6
Sriram, I can only do so much to your essay as far as revision is concerned, now what you can do to add elements that will revamp your essay?,

answer the question, WHY UT? , this is the focus of your essay and this will give your essay a good shot for admission.

As mentioned, I didn't mean that you have to do a totally new essay but you have to streamline your focus and make sure that you don't put in

few different ideas, running around incircles, go direct straight forward and answer the prompt.

Again, answer the question "why UT", this should be answered in full detail, you aspirations, influence, goals and steps in achieving them
and seeing yourself succeed.

I hope to see your final essay very soon, post it here on EF so we can assist you further.


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