Hi all, I'm looking for some advice on how to improve my UMICH essay. It is about community and I think my essay is a little weak. Also, do you think that I should shorten it a little bit ?
Please comment or revise my essay, thank you in advance !
Prompt:
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)
Here is my essay:
"What cannot be achieved in one lifetime will happen when one lifetime is joined to another." Harold Kushner's words remind me that a community can join people together who share the same beliefs. I believe that I belong to a community where people are interested in doing volunteer works to help those underprivileged in the society. People in this community believe that everyone is born equal, and they deserve equal love and care. Working in this community has made me realize my responsibility as an individual, and it provides me with the opportunity to explore my life and realize my personal value.
In my community, I place myself as a dynamic member who is pleased to work with his peers to help others create a better studying environment. When attending Southeast University, China, I got involved in a student volunteer club called Xingzhi whose name meant "spreading love and care to everyone in the world". I became a PE teacher at a rural primary school where teaching resources were in a great deficiency, and I was given the chance to witness the reality that there were still a considerable number of people who lived in poverty. However, with the spirit my community propagated, I was geared up to help the children in need. I researched into the teaching materials with a couple of my peers; and we taught the children to do essential physical exercises and some sports such as Ping Pong and Tai Chi. Eventually, I was able to encourage the children to participate, suceeding in teaching organized classes with well-behaved students.
My teaching experience has prepared me with the understanding and enthusiasm to help the underprivileged in our society, which was also the spirit of Xingzhi. It was a community where I could volunteered to help others with my interest accommodated. Without a doubt, I belong to a community of kind-hearted volunteers, and it is my sincere hope that I can continue dedicating myself in a community like Xingzhi in my future school.
(335 words)
Please be critic, and feel free to give your advice. THANKS!!
I'm not a native speaker so sorry for my poor language.
Anyway, any feedbacks are welcome! Thank you.
Please comment or revise my essay, thank you in advance !
Prompt:
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)
Here is my essay:
"What cannot be achieved in one lifetime will happen when one lifetime is joined to another." Harold Kushner's words remind me that a community can join people together who share the same beliefs. I believe that I belong to a community where people are interested in doing volunteer works to help those underprivileged in the society. People in this community believe that everyone is born equal, and they deserve equal love and care. Working in this community has made me realize my responsibility as an individual, and it provides me with the opportunity to explore my life and realize my personal value.
In my community, I place myself as a dynamic member who is pleased to work with his peers to help others create a better studying environment. When attending Southeast University, China, I got involved in a student volunteer club called Xingzhi whose name meant "spreading love and care to everyone in the world". I became a PE teacher at a rural primary school where teaching resources were in a great deficiency, and I was given the chance to witness the reality that there were still a considerable number of people who lived in poverty. However, with the spirit my community propagated, I was geared up to help the children in need. I researched into the teaching materials with a couple of my peers; and we taught the children to do essential physical exercises and some sports such as Ping Pong and Tai Chi. Eventually, I was able to encourage the children to participate, suceeding in teaching organized classes with well-behaved students.
My teaching experience has prepared me with the understanding and enthusiasm to help the underprivileged in our society, which was also the spirit of Xingzhi. It was a community where I could volunteered to help others with my interest accommodated. Without a doubt, I belong to a community of kind-hearted volunteers, and it is my sincere hope that I can continue dedicating myself in a community like Xingzhi in my future school.
(335 words)
Please be critic, and feel free to give your advice. THANKS!!
I'm not a native speaker so sorry for my poor language.
Anyway, any feedbacks are welcome! Thank you.