Why did you choose to apply to UCF? ["My mind is like a open book"]

side note: I'm really stressed out about this essay. my grammar has always been horrible sine i've moved so many times and by the time that i get to a state their already done with grammar! my mom and dad know English as a second language so their grammar is worse than mine when it comes to writing. although we both speak perfect English its just we don't know about fragments etc... please help me i have another essay to but I'm going to put it up somewhere else if anyone can help me by giving me one on one coaching or just going over it with me on an email or im or something that would be so helpful!

My grandfather was a man who only had a sixth grade education. He worked all his life doing hard labor in areas that were infested with cancer causing substances. He worked himself to the point of forgetting about his own happiness and his own needs and desires. As a man who immigrated to the United States and taking care of eight children where three of them were not his but from my grandmothers first marriage and also sending money to his own three children in the Dominican Republic. He realized that he wanted to give more to his children and hopefully his children would want to give more to their own. Unfortunately many of them dropped out of high school, dropped out of college, or went to a community school or a school that provided them with nothing.

July 19th, 2008 my grandfather died from Bile Duct Cancer. My grandfather only had a sixth grade education he as a man who worked his whole life just to give some sort of comfort and security for his children. He was the kind of man to let his dream manifest and spread to others. He looked at all of us around us and I never forgot what he said " Never forget your education is what shall make you, you shall not become like me dieing here because of how hard I worked in an unfit area. You will become someone in the future. You will make me and your family proud. Although I regret to leave you now in times when you will need me the most I will continue to watch over you and for me please continue on with your education. Education is important it will be what makes you become more than a janitor or working in a fast food place." those were my grandfathers last words, his last words of inspiration to me and my family.

"What education does is creates something more for you. The more knowledge you devour the more success and wit you will receive". I do not want to cast doubt onto your minds, I do not continue my pursue for higher education for my grandfather but for myself. As an aspiring Oncologist I want to go to a school that will help me grow and yet keep me grounded in my place. Your University shall do that for me. Not only will I be able to grow and learn from many cultures and backgrounds but with the founding of your medical school and program be taught by the newest equipment and procedures created in cancer research. My mind is like a open book I need to be taught although it is open and willing to be shaped it must be shaped by what I presume for myself will be the best teacher and in this case your school shall be what is best to mold me into the right path for my future.

Here are a few fixes and suggestions:

"with cancer-causing substances"

"As a man who immigrated to the United States and took care of eight children, where three of whom were not his but from my grandmothers first marriage and who also sent money to his own three children in the Dominican Republic." Okay, in this sentence, the "As" turns what you have so far into a dependent clause. You need to link it to a independent one. For instance: "As a man who raised eight children, he knew something about living in crowded conditions." The second half of this sentence could stand on its own as a complete sentence, and so is considered an independent clause. The first half uses "as," which means it can't stand on its own -- it needs to connect to one that can. So, to finish fixing the sentence, add an independent clause to the end.

"My grandfather only had a sixth grade education he as a man who worked his whole life just to give some sort of comfort and security for his children." In addition to being grammatically incorrect, this sentence merely repeats what you have already said. Omit.

"Although I regret leaving you now"

"you shall not become like me dying here"

thank you so much for helping me i just seem to make so many grammatical errors.

With only a sixth grade education, he as a man who worked his whole life just to give some sort of comfort and security to his children. He was the kind of man to let his dream manifest and spread to others. He looked at all of us around us and I never forgot what he said, "

Education is important. It will be what makes you become more than a janitor or working in a fast food place." Those were my grandfathers last words, his last words of inspiration to me and my family.

What education does is to create something more for you.

Not only will I be able to grow and learn from many cultures and backgrounds, but also to be taught on the newest equipment and procedures created in cancer research.

My mind is like an open book. I need to be taught although it is open and willing to be shaped it must be shaped by what I presume for myself will be the best teacher and in this case your school shall be what is best to guide me onto the right path for my future.

Here are a few more fixes.

:)