"Why I have chosen invasive cardiovascular technology"

need help revising the essay * if i do make my point of why i want to enter in to the invasive cardiovascular technology program at college

intro
thesis
body
conclusion

cardiovascular technology - challenging and demanding field

I have chose invasive cardiovascular technology because it is a rather surprising field in the most important organ of the body, that is constantly advancing and creating new solutions to problems such help diagnose structural or electrical abnormalities in the cardiovascular system helping the patient to have a longer life span. Also my love of helping people and making a difference in their lives a has been a great influence. It has been a great influence because from a very young age I liked to take care of the sick and through observation find effective recovery forms.

My curiosity to know how the heart works began when my husband was sick and diagnosed with aortic aneurysm, because of a murmur that he had since he was born. Now my question is how technicians knew he had developed an aneurysm? According to what I learned there is a procedure called cardiac catheterization (often called cardiac cath), a very small hollow tube, or catheter, is advanced from a blood vessel in the groin or arm through the aorta into the heart. Once it is in place, several diagnostic and treatment procedures can be done using catheterization.

Thanks to this procedure my husband was diagnosed with an aneurysm in the arch of the aorta rush to the hospital for surgery and his life was saved because of the fast approached to this problem. Preventative screening in high-risk patient populations and treatment of individuals with aneurysms have saved thousands of lives each year.

After what had happen to my husband, I was amazed and very grateful of how technology has advanced to the point of exploring the most internal places of the body and constantly advancing and creating new solutions to problems that once could not be treated, living in my heart with the desire to be part of the team of technologist that help others with this type of technology.

I know that being a cardiovascular technologist is challenging and demanding. I accept the challenge because challenges are what make us who we are. When overcoming any challenges it gives me a sense of accomplishment and gives me more self-confidence that I can do much more. I know someday I will be a cardiovascular technologist because I am determined and very focus on accomplishing my goal, my dream. I am outgoing and big on teamwork. I work hard and take pride in what I do and what I believe in.

Gina, you just have to adjust the content of the essay too become more focused and relevant regarding your interest in cardiovascular technology. If you lose the first paragraph and instead open with the idea that your interest stemmed from your husband's illness, then you have an effective hook that opens your essay. As for the procedure, just give the name of the procedure. Don't explain the process because the reviewer is already familiar with it. You are wasting space by doing that. Instead, bring up and combine the paragraph about your thankfulness about the procedure saving your husband's life. That shows not only the foundation of your interest, but a clear sense of why you will be successful as a student and practitioner in this field. After all, the best kind of professional is the one with a personal interest in the craft. The last paragraph should be changed. You don't need to speak of your personal qualifications here, you should only focus on the reasons you chose the course. Focus on creating a strong concluding statement that could tie in your various interests with why you chose this university in particular. Close by showing a connection between your interest and the way that university will be able to assist you in growing that interest and parlaying it into a professional career after completing the course.

thank you for your input Holt it did help me a great deal :) i have enter on the botton new corrections from what u have recomended can u please review again Thank you sooo much

...

Gina, the essay has improved a little. However, it is still scattered in the manner that it discusses the development of your interest and why you chose this program at this university. There is also a redundancy in the paragraphs as the information in paragraphs 1 and 2 are similar in content. You need to remove that repetition because the reviewer never appreciates repeated information. Each paragraph needs to center on a clear and new topic that relates to your interest in both the course and the university. Therefore, this second draft needs to be reworked once again. Please follow my instructions below in order to create what will hopefully be the final and usable version of your essay.

1. Open the essay by saying;"My curiosity to know how the heart works ..." but add the following sentence at the end, "My husband's illness is what led to my interest in the cutting edge cardiovascular technologies that saves thousands of lives every year."

2. The second paragraph should start with; "Living with a cardiovascular disease survivor, I realized that there were not enough of these professionals around to help others with the same illness. I decided that the best way to give thanks to the people who saved my husband's life was by helping ease the burden of patient care in this field. Then proceed to say; "After what had happen to my husband... thousands of lives each year.

At this point, you will need to write a new concluding statement for your essay. You neither have the training nor the complete knowledge with which to properly do this job yet but somehow, you imply that you already have the skills to succeed in this job. That is wrong. Instead, explain that your experience in caring for your husband has given you a sense of empathy for the cardiovascular patients and their families. Indicate a desire to help ease their worry and suffering because of the illness of their loved one. Then go on to explain that you chose this university because you believe that their curriculum will help you not only gain the necessary skills to become a cardiovascular technician, but also better develop an understanding as to how to help families manage the illness, just as you learned to do from your own cardiovascular technician. You only need 3 paragraphs to complete this essay. I have outlined the proper discussion and content per paragraph for you. Complete your essay in the manner I indicated and you should have a working essay by the end of your writing.