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Claremont Mckenna-What influenced you the most in your decision to apply to CMC?



teddigrahm 1 / 2  
Nov 8, 2009   #1
What influenced you the most in your decision to apply to CMC?

I don't know if I went too overboard on the metaphor, but I feel like it did a good job of explaining my thought process.

Discovering Claremont Mckenna was like pealing an onion for me. Every time I considered it as an option, I noticed another layer of greatness under the one I was examining. My top layer was the location, and then under that was the academic rigor that was expected. I want a school with great academics and will provide me with all the classes and tools I needed to succeed. Claremont Mckenna has the international relations and business that I want, not the Chinese, but before I knocked it off my list, I peeled back another layer and found the consortium aspect of CMC, and fell in love with the idea of such a diverse community, with so many opportunities. I found out that I could take Chinese at Pomona, and Claremont jumped back up to the top of my list. I did not think I could like this school any more than did, but that changed when I visited Claremont. The final layer was ripped away, and I found the heart of the reason why I want to go to Claremont Mckenna. My interviewer and tour guide showed me who I would become if I went to the school. Kyle Block, my interviewer, mesmerized me with the knowledge that he has been to over twenty countries because of CMC in the past four years. I want this kind of education. He also answered my question about if CMC is only looking for great leaders as possible freshman candidates, and he reassured me the school is looking for leadership potential. I am a leader, but I may not next president of the United States. However, after visiting the school, I could see myself becoming a person who has the kind of career potential. Essentially, I want to become a leader, I want to change the world somehow, and Claremont Mckenna has shown me they could be the building blocks for achieving my goals. This is why I want to go to Claremont Mckenna, because I full heartedly believe that the institution would be the dirt, water and sunlight that I need to grow my onion.

EF_Susan - / 2310  
Nov 9, 2009   #2
The metaphor is great!
This is coming out well, but there's a spelling mistake... like peeling an onion...
Also, there are a few places where you could take away unnecessary words to tighten it up. For example, 'and then under that... ', 'the heart of the reason why I want',...

' He also answered my question about if CMC is only looking for great leaders as possible freshman candidates, and he reassured me the school is looking for leadership potential.' This sentence needs to be checked for clarity. Just read through for little things like these, and it will be easy to fix up.

How about this:
Every time I took a deeper look, I noticed another layer of greatness under the one I was examining.

My top layer was the location, and then under that was the academic rigor that was expected.---->great sentence!

Good luck in school!
geniekim 1 / 1  
Dec 8, 2009   #3
As I know your essay is too long.
That essay question may fit in 400 characters, not 400 words

but i like your essay
yang 2 / 278  
Dec 9, 2009   #4
That essay question may fit in 400 characters, not 400 words

that would suck, but it makes sense

if you were to cut, focus on WHAT's the influence. state word for word why you want to go there, and try integrating your past experiences in your response. O, and definitely avoid generic statements like the school has great academics, but rather talk about WHAT's so great about it. be SPECIFIC.

good luck indeed.
Esaias 8 / 37  
Dec 9, 2009   #5
Your essay is good. However, you could be more specific in the reasoning.

It's a good metaphor, but it sounds a tad cliche, if you know what I mean. (Cause many writers talk about growing a tree from a seedling and it's slightly analogous to that.)

Keep it if you like and keep up the good work!

Please comment on my essay if you have time:


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