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CMC essay; "First in war, first in peace, and first in our countrymen's hearts"



lattent 4 / 30  
Jan 2, 2009   #1
Leadership is a constant theme and emphasis at CMC. In fact, one of the ways we describe CMC students is "Leaders in the Making." Identify and discuss a person, fictional or nonfictional, who has helped shape culture and thought. You may select someone from any field: literature, the arts, science, politics, history, athletics, business, education, etc.

I have edited it a bit. Comments?

It is used as a means of exchange, so trivial and mundane that most people would not for one second contemplate its features. Yet, upon it is the portrait of a founding father whose legacy is so pervasive, that to this day it resonates loud and clear and engenders admiration for him. The Father of Our Country, George Washington, transformed a rag-tag, undisciplined army into the army that defeated the militarily superior behemoth of Great Britain, giving the 13 colonies their independence. Definitely a well versed military leader but his attributes as a great leader were more ostentatiously displayed in times of peace.

Near the end of the Revolutionary war, the Newburgh conspiracy was created. The disgruntled military officers, irate because Congress had not paid them, planned a coup to force Congress to pay their debt. Washington responded to the plans by pointing out his own sacrifices and saying that not only had he aged in servitude to his country but had also gone blind, and denounced their plans as treasonous . With that single statement he had been able to dissipate the mutinous sentiments and had reminded them that their loyalty should not be with the army but with their country. The treasonous plans were abandoned and the trust in Congress restored. In this potentially damaging incident, Washington displayed his unwavering adherence to his own principles and morals; even though his fellow military officers expressed contempt and complained about his refusal to follow their calling, he did not succumb to their desires and kept to the course that he believed would benefit the newly freed America. It also displayed his self-discipline and altruistic nature. He could have easily led the coup, overthrown Congress and placed himself in power, making himself King or Emperor. The American Revolution would have therefore been obsolete. The ideals of a democracy lost as it would have been a transition of power between two people, and not a reform movement for a better way to govern the people.

After the Newburgh incident, Washington resigned as the commander of the Continental Army. He relinquished all the power that he had as a military officer, believing that he had accomplished that with which he had been entrusted to carry out. In fact, he had accepted his position as commander, in his own words, "with diffidence". He was not driven by his own greed and desire for power but by a sense of duty, and would rather be part of the civil sphere of society rather than the military one. His resignation as commander coupled with the Newburgh conspiracy, helped promote the idea that in America, military power shall be subordinate to civilian authority-an ideal that to this day is practiced in our political system and has aided the longevity of our constitution, and in effect, our government, strengthening the power in the people by reducing the power of the military. His loyalty, and concern, was not towards himself or the army, but towards his country and its people. Ultimately, it preserved the ideals that Washington and others so assiduously fought for: freedom from the English monarchy and a democratic form of government ruled by the people for the people, ideals that Washington would repeatedly stand by.

Perhaps, however, his greatest display of a great leadership was his refusal to run for a third term office. After having reluctantly accepted a second term in office, when asked to run for a third term he simply said no and returned to his plantation. He chose to again relinquish his power, something that in the course of history is an extremely rare occurrence. Washington could have run for re-election after every term and would have most likely been elected by the people every time. Instead, he decided to uphold the ideals of freedom and democracy that he, and others, had so arduously fought for in the war against Great Britain, and refused to become "King Washington", indefinite ruler of America; he rose by falling. His choice to relinquish power demonstrates extreme self-discipline when faced with the opportunity to expand it, greed being one of the many intrinsic vices in man's nature. However, this critical precedent of limiting the term in office to two-only broken by Franklin D. Roosevelt-prevented others from, in effect, becoming "King of America" as well. Thus, in the process, it created a natural buffer in our political system that prevents one person from ruling indefinitely and destroying the principles that our country was established upon. Even after death, his actions helped protect the very ideals he had fought for when he was living.

Washington not only acquired America's freedom, but he also established the foundation for our country to sit on, grow and uphold the ideals of democracy and freedom for which our Founding Fathers so relentlessly fought for. Integrity incarnate, he never vacillated in the principles that guided him and always maintained his country and people above everything else, and right fully so was held in high-esteem by his contemporaries. Considered by some the best President of America, if there is anyone that embodies a true leader, Washington is nearly perfect. Deserving the epitaph, Father of Our Country, Washington truly is- as Congress put in his eulogy-the "First in war, first in peace, and first in our countrymen's hearts".

Comments would be greatly appreciated! And is it too long?

cokepsh - / 4  
Jan 2, 2009   #2
1. its ridicuously long, it doesnt need to be this long.

2. it doesnt answer the q. what lasting impact. you focus too much on the biography of him, and only answer the q at the last paragraph.
OP lattent 4 / 30  
Jan 2, 2009   #3
They dont really care that much about length, my friend applied ED and his was four pages long and got accepted. I focused on how his actions demonstrated qualities that defined him as a leader, actions that had effects on America. Not thwarting the Newburgh conspiracy could have set a precedent for military power being superior to civil authority, which I explicitly stated that because of this incident it was not. Is that too implicti? . I agree however that i kind of go off track on paragraphs five and seven, dont do that much analyzing as I read it now. Idk, ill fix that. Do you see any blatant grammatical errors?
cokepsh - / 4  
Jan 2, 2009   #4
reading my own post, it sounded a bit harsh.
I do like the progression of the leadership qualities, but i think the admission officers would prefer a shorter (possbilt cut out those 2 paragraphs you mentioned) leadership essay as opposed to a verbose one.

I just think it would be better to be quick to the point. If you connect those two paragraphs to the main topic its fine.

Also 4 pages means about 1000s i believe. I think thats a bit too much. There are exceptions, but again, the shorter to the point the better i would argue.

Grammarwise i didnt find any. However, iam not big on grammar so.

Can you read mine as well?
I dont have the points to start my own thread.
This is for the U of chicago optional essay. Main thing I would like to you see is if its worht sending or not becuase i have better required essays.
OP lattent 4 / 30  
Jan 2, 2009   #5
yeah sure, is it on the forum?
OP lattent 4 / 30  
Jan 2, 2009   #6
What were you going to say? where is your essay btw?
OP lattent 4 / 30  
Jan 3, 2009   #7
Wow, really good essay, and you have better ones! i would send it in Only a couple things:

and successfully eat away at coach potatoes' lifestyle

life, and dumps gloom day after day, or an employee who simply does not try because he feels doomed. Andy explains that our lives can only improve with the

and i would say to just spell out versus instead vs. for a formal essay

It's not the lack of want that has been depriving us from our goals. What we have been lacking is seeing the best out of opportunities to attain those objectives.

It's not the lack of want that has been depriving us from our goals, its the lack of not being able to make the fullest of our opportunities that has inhibited us from attaining our goals. Your other sentence seemed a little awkward, mines just a suggestion though.

What is the prompt btw?
cokepsh - / 4  
Jan 3, 2009   #8
what a book that affected you. something like that
OP lattent 4 / 30  
Jan 3, 2009   #9
Yeah i would say it is a very good response to the prompt, id send it. Good luck in your college search!

I have shortened it a bit and edited some parts, comments?
Does it answer the prompt?

REMOVED
cokepsh - / 4  
Jan 3, 2009   #10
I have a question. what makes you so confidentn to copy paste your essay here without the fear of others copying from you.

I am a bit worried.
OP lattent 4 / 30  
Jan 3, 2009   #11
It has my name, on the bottom corner. Your can add that if you go into your account and type in your name and i think you can also add your school.
OP lattent 4 / 30  
Jan 3, 2009   #12
Does the question require us to focus more on their impact or the attributes that make them a leader? Because I have focused more on the attributes of G.W more than anything else, is that ok? Or should I focus on the impact more?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Jan 4, 2009   #13
The dollar bill is used as a means of exchange, so trivial and mundane that most people would not for one second contemplate its features. Yet, upon it is the portrait of a founding father whose legacy is so pervasive, that to this day it resonates loud and clear and engenders admiration for him. Now give a thesis statement that will capture the main theme of the essay -- the central truth.

How about leaving that (above) alone as the first paragraph. It is powerful that way. Then continue to paragraph 2:

The Father of Our Country, George Washington, transformed a rag-tag...

If you have trouble coming up with the thesis sentence for the 1st paragraph, look at the last paragraph where you sum it all up very well.
OP lattent 4 / 30  
Jan 4, 2009   #14
Thanks kevin! Well i already turned it in, so I cant change it anymore. Do you think i'll be ok the way it is? How was it overall?
EF_Constance - / 136  
Jan 5, 2009   #15
The essay was fine. The changes that Kevin suggested would have made it even better; however, if it is already sbumitted, there is no use in worrying about it. Good luck!
OP lattent 4 / 30  
Jan 5, 2009   #16
Thanks Constance! Its just I reeeallllly want to go to CMC...but there is no use worrying now. At least not until April, lol.


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