College application essay on how I will help enrich their community!

Prompt: Why are you interested in the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire? What aspects of UW-Eau Claire are especially important to you? How will your particular life experiences, talents, commitments and/or interests help to enrich our community? (NOTE: This question is an important part of your application for admission and may be used for admission to other campus programs and for scholarship review.)

What interests me the most about the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire is the nursing program. Though the campus is beautiful and I enjoyed the supportive feeling that the community gave me I have heard nothing but good about the nursing program itself. The actual education I will be receiving is the most important deciding factor of which college I attend.

I am extremely passionate about helping others which is why I plan on majoring in nursing. Being a nanny for the past five years has taught me many skills. One thing I have learned from nannying is to be a critical thinker. One time while I was watching four kids the nine year old lost control of her bike, crashed into her three year old brother, and were both trapped under the bikes and badly scraped up. I had to attempt to untangle the bikes and free the two trapped children with one hand while I held a six month old baby in the other hand. It all happened so fast and I had to act as quick as possible and use critical thinking to be able to free them and get them the first aid help that they needed.

I will bring my passion towards helping others and life experiences from nannying to the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire community. Education is important to me and since I am so passionate about becoming a nurse I know that I will be persistent in my studying. I enjoy engaging myself in the community whether it be volunteering or joining clubs and plan to continue that throughout college. I think that Eau Claire will be a good fit for me as much as I will be a good fit for it.

-I am open to any feedback even if you bash my whole essay as long as you tell me how to improve it, this is the first college admission essay I have ever written and I'm not really sure what they want or what is a good essay and what is not!

Hi Breanna, I won't bash your essay. No essay ever requires bashing. However, I will advise you regarding how to further improve it. Now, that may require the removal of some aspects of the original work that you feel are valuable but in the end, prove to be not so essential to the requirements of the essay.

As you have said, the nursing program of the university is one of the most aspects that drew you to seek admission to the university. However, your essay stopped right there. With the mention of the nursing program. That is something that needs to be given a follow up explanation. The overall theme of the essay doesn't limit you to your choice of majors. It asks you to discuss the well rounded educational and social aspects of your choice of school. What other factors aside from the nursing program drew your interest? Is it possible for you to expand upon it?

It seems that you had the opportunity to visit the campus itself right? So build upon that experience. Explain why the student community felt welcoming and almost like home to you. Consider the social atmosphere as well as the academic circle that you were thrown into. What made the experience special? Those are some major reasons for you to be drawn to this university. So make sure that you do not hold back in presenting that information.

Don't say that you heard nice things about the nursing program. That is hearsay and will not exactly impress the reviewer as it would seem like you are basing your application solely on the opinion of others. Instead, be more specific. Talk about the courses or training opportunities that the nursing program offers which you feel merges greatly with your own interests or purposes for wishing to become a nurse. All of these statements will allow you to better present the reasons as to why you are interested in enrolling in this university in particular.

The story about the accident shows an interest in healing people but necessarily the method by which you can help to enrich the student community. Try to reflect more about your advocacy in life. What social and civic interests do you have which you can share with the campus dwellers? Do you have any volunteer activities at the moment or social obligations that you feel can carry over successfully into your campus enhancement and participation activities? If you answered yes to any of these questions then make sure to represent it in your essay.

I am not sure if you have a word requirement for this response. Since you will be allowed to use this essay for other parts of your application though, I think you can make the essay as long, but informative, as necessary in order to properly build up its usefulness factor in terms of the other possible application

Hey @breslusarek
I think your essay is unorganized. I advice you to re write it and put each aspect in its own paragraph and add detail to enhance its meaning.

From my point to view it sounds as though you visited the campus so for the introduction you can start with something like: As I walked through the beautiful campus at UW-Eau Claire , I was welcomed by the.....

I think you need more research on UW-Eau Claire to add to your essay, find stuff that is meaningfull to you which will give you your connection with the school, you can perhaps connect with the school mission and also the research or specific UW-Eau Claire activities or community tthat will ensure you will have an interesting med school experience and social life. you can connect the facts with your personal experiences and aspirations to bring light to the essay.

Good foundation, but I think you would do well to expound on the programs and clubs that you plan to join at UW-Eau Claire. Browse their website and look up specific programs that complement your background and aspirations as a nursing student, and state how you will be able to contribute to the club(s) and to the campus at large.