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College essay- my mother's Schizophrenia has impacted my life?


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Jun 15, 2012   #1
I want to know if this is worthy of submission and I would appreciate critique - be brutal! The prompt is to write a 250-500 word essay evaluating a significant experience you have faced and its impact on you.

Here's the essay.

I'm terribly afraid of people, less of what they can do to me than what they can do for me. I see people as walking time bombs (< Is that good word choice?) of abundance, sympathy and profound experience. Don't mistake me, I am not socially inadequate or scared to approach others, I like to think of myself as simply able to recognize the bounty (< Is that good word choice?) of potential each person walks with. I also believe it's injustice, to say the least, to remain complacent with that.

Off paper, my inclination to fight battles that aren't my own has developed my sense of moral obligation to others. If I were able to clear the "voices" my mother hears constantly at the hands of a Schizophrenic disorder, I would. I had once known a veteran in my time volunteering for Hospice, who was permanenty disabled due to a faulty operation but signed a liability and couldn't afford a ramp in his home for a wheelchair he couldn't afford either. If I were able to meet his needs, I would. If I could somehow reconcile the relationship between my sister and my father that would allow her within my presence more often than every other year, I would. If I could heal the scars that lasted longer than the bruises once my father was arrested for domestic abuse, I would. The same applies for an infinite number of ethical "dilemmas". Things don't always/usually (< Which word should I use?) add up.

Injustice endured is nearly masochism, and it shouldn't stop by bandaging an internal bleed. Through the conflicts I've been priveleged to make lighter, whether it be staying up until odd hours of the night, comforting my mom during a Schizophrenic attack rather than being able to cure the disease, rebuilding rather than repairing a relationship with my father or getting student interested in global issues my Amnesty International group is involved in, rather than solving them direct and single-handedly, (< Is that good word choice?) I've managed to build a bridge between problems, actions and service/solutions (< Which word should I use?), ultimately pledging myself and establishing my permanence to the tender relationship of the three.

Should I make it longer?
chessman567 5 / 170 11  
Jun 15, 2012   #2
yeah it's pretty good but I think you used a thesaurus on some of the words.
the length is okay
service/solutions- use solutions
always/usually-use always
word choice is mainly okay, but I think that bounty of potential is okay, but you might be able to think of something better
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Jun 19, 2012   #3
I see people as walking time bombs (< Is that good word choice?)...yes, if that's what you feel, then it is right, this is YOUR experience...

(< Is that good word choice?) yes indeed
If I were able to meet his needs, I would have. Sometimes Things just don't always/usually (< Which word should I use?) add up.

Injustice endured is nearly masochism, and it shouldn't stop by bandaging a sense of internal bleeding. I've managed to build a pathwayfrom problems and actions to service and solutions

Something I'd like to suggest...although this is profoundly personal an extremely well written (you second guess yourself in areas of actual perfection), I would encourage you to focus on ONE particular experience; highlight it, and then sort of incorporate the rest of what makes you YOU around that particular event.
hannahlorelei 3 / 11  
Sep 23, 2012   #4
The intro really grabs my attention... because I had no idea where it was going. (: Haha, really can see your passion! Love the excerpt from All the Kings Men.


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