Hi, I'm looking for constructive criticism, help with revising and editing, and other helpful suggestions for my essay.
For many, when asked about those who played an important role in their life, parents are often mentioned. After all, they are gave us the gift of life, taught us to walk and talk, offered advice and guidance and served as role models for us to look up to. While this all holds very true for me, I have to acknowledge someone else who has greatly impacted my life and the way I have planned it, my grandfather.
My grandfather, more specifically my mother's father, was born and raised in Cuba before the Revolution. Previously an electrician for an American company, the new Communist government of Cuba under Castro changed things for the worst. In the early 60's, a few years after Castro assumed power, my grandfather began to protest against the government. Unlike in the U.S., protesting against the government in Cuba is viewed as treason and sedition, punishable by death. Rather than execute him, however, the Cuban Ministry of Intelligence tortured and interrogated him for the next four years, asking for the names of other anti-government protesters. He was released after four years, believed to be a dying man because of malnourishment and gangrene, which had cost him part of his left foot. While he never fully recovered, he spent the next 20 years trying to stay alive and escape Cuba. Finally, in 1990, he was granted a political refugee visa to the United States and brought my mother and father with him. I was born 4 years later, the first American-born Cuban in my family. It wasn't long before the majority of my extended family made it to the United States as well.
My grandfather's courage and sacrifice has inspired my throughout my life, now more than ever, and has helped influence my decision to go into the military. I can only hope that one day I will be given the opportunity to express the same courage and selfless sacrifice he did many years ago.
Great essay! Just a few minor tweaks...
- "...changed things for the worstworse "
- "Unlike in the U.S., protesting against the government in Cuba is (was?) viewed as treason and sedition, punishable by death.
That's all! That last sentence is moving. Any college admissions person should be moved by it. I would suggest (maybe) extending that last paragraph just a little bit to bring more focus on yourself. Your grandfather's not applying to college--you are! You really write about his life well, and the college should see that, but at the same time make sure that you tell them why you'd make a great contribution to their school.
P.S. I've been helping people out all day, but no one has helped me. Think you could give mine a little look?
ANALYSIS OF YOUR STRUCTURE
how does your grandfather influence you ?
1.intro is ok but short.
-many people think their parents have had the greatest influence on them
-they raised them and molded their values
-taught em how to be a respectable person and to work hard
-dont add catchphrases such as the gift of life
but your greatest inluence was not your parents but someone else close who instilled the values that guide your actions.
-he was a courageous man who fought against the oppressive gov
-he sacrificed his great life free off oppression
-then talk about your body sections
-then thesis my grandfather inspired me to overcome obstacles he perserved to escape communist cuba
2 your grandfather was your biggest influence(keep repeating your thesis) he courageous against the barbaric cuban regime led to reforms
3. he influence you by sacrificing his senior position in the government, to chart a new path freed of oppression
4 my biggest influence isnt alive now, but he continues to motivate me.
the internal characteristic is what defines my grandfathers influence.
his values of courage and sacrifice drove him towards fighting against the oppressive conditions in cuba and to sacrifice his financial wealth for freedom
lead out. my drives to ensure the human rights of the homeless came from my grandfather
