[commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay

Hello, This is my first draft kindly check if the essay is good enough for transfer admission, and if I followed the prompt. I think my essay is kinda generic and bland. Should I stick to it or rewrite a new essay? Did I put a lot of coma-splices?

Prompt:
Please include a thoughtful commentary on your academic goals and an explanation of reasons for leaving your present/most recently attended college, and for wanting to attend the University of Connecticut. If you have not been an enrolled full-time student during the last academic year please also indicate how and where you have spent your time, for example, work or travel.

Essay:

A city inside a school, that was what my sister and I said when we visited University of Connecticut at Storrs. I went to the university on a campus tour together with my family, and we were awe by how big the campus is, everything you need is in there from food to clothes to ice cream. Yes, ice cream; I was surprise to find out that there was an ice cream shop within the campus. I told my sister as we wait for the ice cream we ordered that if I get into University of Connecticut that everyday will be an ice cream day, and she laughed. The last part of the tour we went to the cafeteria, and I drooled as I looked passed the different varieties of foods that I could eat in the campus. From pasta to hamburgers and from healthy foods like salads, just thinking about it makes my stomach hungry.

When you ask people about University of Connecticut, people will reply that this school is well-known for being a sports college. Being a sportsman myself, I played different kinds of sports like basketball, volleyball, tennis, table tennis, and so on. Of all sports that I play, basketball is my favorite. I remember in high school, everyday my friends and I would play chess during breaks and basketball after school. Basketball is like second nature to us, we could not end the day without playing a game of basketball. I chuckle to myself thinking that someday I will be part of this community, and get excited by just cheering and booing at the sideline.

Also, the reason that I am transferring from Housatonic Community College to University of Connecticut is to pursue a higher education and to get a degree on the major that I love. I have nothing but admirations to the professors that taught me at that college. Even with their busy schedule they accommodated my problems, and help me accomplished my courses with my head held high. In some ways they made me into a better person, but sadly it is time to move on.

My academic goal upon entering to this school is to immerse myself in the line of computer science, particularly in the artificial intelligence courses. Hoping to understand more on how computers interact and would able, in the future, on developing an interactive robot that will learn and act like a real human. It is still a long shot from what I am now, but going to your university is a step on accomplishing that goal.

After the campus tour my sister and I decided that this is the school that we want to learn and have fun. We prayed that we would someday get accepted at this university. A year later, she got her prayers answered, and now I am waiting for mine.

Besides the fact that your introduction has loads of obvious grammar essays, it also serves no purpose because it has absolutely no relevance to answering the prompt. Unless, you are leaving your current University, because you are so fascinated by the idea that UConn's campus has ice cream and other foods. If this is the case, make it more obvious. (If this is the case, talk about how you wish your Uni also had so much food on campus and perhaps, how you love to eat?)


^Hmm. Well, remove the first sentence for starters, because it is not necessary at all. You present yourself as a sportsman, but in your earlier paragraph, you talk about how you were fascinated by foods that are otherwise, quite dense in calories and do not necessarily have the best macronutrient ratios. This has at least led me to question, how serious of an athlete are you? If not a serious one, then why try to pretend you are. If you are, then I am sure that you are familiar with the importance of diet. Looking at this paragraph, which has potential to be quite meaningful, completely remove the first paragraph.

This second paragraph also has grammar essays. Furthermore, you should talk about how playing basketball at UConn is something you really want to do and you would like to do it more at UConn than at your current University. You should also explain the reasons in that case.


Ok, this is your strongest paragraph yet. Go into more detail on your academic goals and how your academic goals can be reached at UConn and why you want them to be reached at UConn. However, some sentences are phrased quite poorly.

Youve got an interesting conclusion there. You need to work on your essay big time if you want to strengthen your chances of admission.

Thank you I will

Only your third paragraph has any relation to the prompt. The rest of your essay can be cut. The third paragraph itself is a bit vague. You really like your current college, but you feel it is time to move on. Why? You want to create an android? Again, why? Also, do you really want to create an android, or are you interested in creating A.I.? Do you believe that strong A.I. is possible? Try to show you are familiar with the debates and issues surrounding your academic goals.

Yes, you do have comma splices:
I went to the university on a campus tour together with my family, and we were awe by how big the campus is, everything you need is in there from food to clothes to ice cream.

Basketball is like second nature to us, we could not end the day without playing a game of basketball.

I, personally, was charmed by your description of your response to the campus food options. But, sadly, I have to agree that you probably should not include that in your transfer essay. Instead, describe yourself drooling over the educational opportunities -- the menu of courses, the books at the bookstore, the campus organizations, etc., etc.

EF_Sean

"Only your third paragraph has any relation to the prompt. The rest of your essay can be cut. The third paragraph itself is a bit vague. You really like your current college, but you feel it is time to move on. Why? You want to create an android? Again, why? Also, do you really want to create an android, or are you interested in creating A.I.? Do you believe that strong A.I. is possible? Try to show you are familiar with the debates and issues surrounding your academic goals."

Reply: "Also, the reason that I am transferring from Housatonic Community College to University of Connecticut is to pursue a higher education and to get a degree on the major that I love." Shouldn't this sufficient enough the reason I want to transfer? Because I'll be graduating in Housatonic Community College this year, which I will get an associates degree. That is why I said "to pursue a higher education", which I will try on getting a bachelor's degree in Uconn.

Thank you for the advices. I'm doing a complete overhaul on my essay.

No. You could get a degree from a wide variety of universities, and you could potentially love several different topics that you could major in. You need to explain why you love the major you have chosen, and what about the University of Connecticut specifically makes you want to study there. The real answer may simply be proximity to where you already are, but you should come up with other reasons that show that you have researched the university.

^You should also develop your response so that it ties in with the essay question. You have been asked for your reasons as to why you want to leave your current college, as well as state what your academic goals are. You should take Sean's advice, and also discuss why you think that UConn is a better place for you to study at UConn rather than where you currently are, and possibly link this with your academic goals. Just saying 'pursuing a higher education' is not really saying much. You lack depth. Go deep.

Ok, thank you, and I'll try.

Question, is it ok to abbreviate the school name from University of Connecticut to Uconn in the essay?

I'm not sure. Better to be safe and spell it out.

True. I only did that because I was lazy to spell out the whole Uni name.

Ok, I'm done. I tried putting your suggestions in my essays, but I feel my grammar and sentence structure needs improving. Can you guys help me improve them.

Here is my essay:

There are a number of reasons behind my decision to apply for transfer to University of Connecticut. First, it almost goes without saying that, I enjoyed my time learning at Housatonic Community College. I have nothing but admirations to the professors that taught me at that college. My professors even with their busy schedules, they accommodated my problems and helped me accomplished my courses with my head held high. In some ways they made me into a better person, but sadly it is time to move on. I have both a strong desire to continue my education beyond my associates, as well as a need. This motivation stems from my desire to pursue a computer science degree and my deep interest on artificial intelligence.

My academic goal upon entering this college is to immerse myself in the line of computer science, particularly in the artificial intelligence courses. Building a strong A.I. that matches and exceeds human intelligence is no easy task, but I am up to the challenge it brings. With the rapid development of technology, building a strong A.I. with the capacity to exhibit human traits such as consciousness, sentience, sapience and self-awareness are increasingly viable. I am still a long shot from achieving this, but going to University of Connecticut is a step on accomplishing that goal.

The deciding factor for choosing University of Connecticut as my primary transfer school sprouts from the campus tour that I went on 2007. At that time I just recently migrated to America and knew nothing about the colleges that I would like to attend. According to a couple of friends that I have spoken to in the past, University of Connecticut is a great place to foster a close bond among students, something I greatly desire in any colleges. The good feedbacks that I got prompt us to book a campus tour at University of Connecticut. My sister and I were awe struck by the beauty of the campus. The buildings were all well-maintained, and the foods were bountiful. I have found that the general atmosphere of the school, the outgoing nature of the students, and the beauty of the facilities all make University of Connecticut a college that I would thoroughly enjoy my time at. The clubs and organizations is what sealed the deal for me. When I found out at the campus tour about the hundreds of clubs and organizations to choose from I knew this college is destined for me. Unfortunately, being in an average-income family the out-of-state fee cost a lot of money, so I decided to first get an associate's degree.

After the campus tour, my sister and I decided that this is the school that we want to learn and have fun. We prayed that we would someday get accepted at this university. A year later, she got her prayers answered, and now I am waiting for mine.

Thanks for the feedback I really appreciate it.

You're right. I'll tackle some of it and hope that others jump in with more corrections and suggestions.


Omit the comma after "that."

I have nothing but admiration for the professors who taught me at that college. My professorsE ven with their busy schedules, my professors accommodated my problems and helped me accomplish my coursework with my head held high.

The clubs and organizations is what sealed the deal for me. When I found out on the campus tour about the hundreds of clubs and organizations to choose from, I knew this college is destined for me.

How do you know that there are outgoing students there...This sentence also has grammer issues.


Omit


There are a number of grammer and sentence structure mistakes in this sentence. I'm not remodeling it because I am certainly not suitable for the job.


A little out of the blue.

"After the campus tour, my sister and I decided that this is the school that we want to learn and have fun."
Why are you including your sister...

Question: When do you put commas without the conjunction? I'm confused by it.

Llamapoop123:"How do you know that there are outgoing students there...This sentence also has grammer issues."

1st: My friends told me
2nd: I research for reviews about Uconn.

'"After the campus tour, my sister and I decided that this is the school that we want to learn and have fun."
Why are you including your sister...'

Well, first we really both decided about it. Secondly, If I didn't mention my sister this "A year later, she got her prayers answered" sentence will be kind a bit awkward.

It makes your conclusion weak. It's like your saying because your sister got her prayers answered you should too (I know you don't mean it like that but this conclusion has no point)

Commas are used in many different circumstances. I'm not understanding your question. Give some examples of the kind of sentence that you're not sure how to punctuate.

To Llamapoop123
oh, ok I'll change it then haha. I didn't mean it like that. Thank you.

To EF_Simone

When I found out on the campus tour about the hundreds of clubs and organizations to choose from", " I knew this college is destined for me.

how do you know that comma should be put there. Most commas are put before a conjunction like and, or, for, because, while etc.

In that instance, the comma is used to set off the subordinate clause.

I have two ideas for you: First, reflect on the fact that punctuation marks merely serve as markers for the pauses that would normally occur in speech. Read your sentences aloud, pausing wherever you have a comma and not pausing if you don't have a comma. If your comma makes you pause in a place where a pause ought not be, it might be an error. If your words run together where there should be a pause, maybe you need a comma.

Next, if you are asking such a basic question, it's probably past time for you to review the section on commas in your basic composition textbook or handbook. If you've foolishly gotten rid of that book, have a look at the Purdue Owl grammar website.

Now I remember thanks for the info. I have changed all the suggestions you have given me. Besides the corrections that have been mentioned, is there anymore grammar and sentence structure issues?

Undoubtedly, this isn't the only thing you will have to write to obtain admission. So, seriously, study up so that you can catch your own errors.

Er... so undoubtedly it still got a lot of errors? Thanks for the help guys.

Yes. Do yourself a favor: Review a general grammar text or website, find and fix whatever you can, and then repost. That way, the revision process will be more of a learning experience for you than if somebody just tells you what to fix.

By the way, do you need I title in your essay? I think you need it right?

A title is not required but is always nice.