Hello everyone,
I am a junior applying for transfer admission into UConn. Here is the prompt they supplied on the website:
Transfer essay that is a thoughtful commentary on your academic goals and explains your reasons for leaving your present/most recently attended institution to attend the University of Connecticut
The essay below is my first draft that I started yesterday morning. I think it's a bit too organized, and I'm not too sure of the grammar. Is it too short? Too long? Wordy and uninformative? Juvenile?
Thanks in advance!! :)
After being a below average student in high school, I was determined to attain better grades in my college career. I got off on the right foot by turning my 2.10 high school GPA into a 3.30 in my freshman year at St. John's University. This greatly motivated me, because I realized that I truly could do whatever I set my mind to do. That moment was also the first step out of the self-doubting girl I was in high school and the first into a self-confident woman who is determined to accomplish her goals.
Riding on the high of my personal success, I immersed myself in my communications major, business minor, and became actively involved in community service opportunities on campus. I joined the Communications Club, Advertising Club, Management Society, Academic Service Learning (ASL), and Team RV. Through the Management Society, I strengthened my interpersonal skills and gained networking experience through numerous seminars focused on preparing members for the business world. In both the Communications and Advertising clubs, I honed my public relations skills by collaborating with other communications and advertising majors to create posters for school events, and posters that made the student body aware of current issues on campus. In ASL and Team RV, I worked closely with other student volunteers to serve food at homeless shelters, deliver bagged lunches to the homeless on the streets, and take active roles in other various community service activities. The concept of human solidarity expressed through ASL and Team RV are not foreign to me, because I regularly volunteer my time at St. Luke's Lifeworks and St. John's Episcopal Church in my home town (Stamford) during every school break. Not only did involvement in these programs allow me to become a more adept individual, they also provided me with the mental stability I needed to keep focus on my schoolwork.
Although my parents and I were pleased with my much improved academic progress, there was always the thought in the back of my mind about how my parents were going to continue to pay for my education. The tuition at St. John's is quite expensive, and the financial aid I received still left a sizable sum uncovered. Because of this, my parents and I had to cut corners where nobody should. There were times that my mother didn't pay the light bill or the water bill for weeks or months, just so I could stay in school. Together with whatever government grants I received and money my family could scrape together, I had to take out student loans to continue my education. Due to my status as a full-time unemployed student, my sister has been my cosigner since my freshman year. If she didn't help me up to this point, I would not have even made it to my junior year at St. John's. Unfortunately for us both, she filed for bankruptcy this year and will no longer be able to help me take out student loans to continue my education.
I am now in a position where I am very eager to pursue my dreams of succeeding despite the odds, but I have no means to achieve them. If I am given the chance to complete my degree at the University of Connecticut, I can take another step towards self-actualization. Quite frankly, I am fed up with all the obstacles that are standing in the way of my success. I have a burning desire to bury all shortcomings, and continue my journey to become a proficient individual. Though disappointing thoughts plague the back of my mind, I will never give them the chance to sink in. "Time thinking about what could be, instead of taking action, is time wasted." is a mantra that I repeat in my head. I have committed myself to moving forward, because the feeling of breaking down every internal and external barrier to achieve what I never believed I could is what drives me through this hardship.
Admission into UConn means I can achieve personal and scholastic excellence. It also relieves the financial burden on my family now and greatly reduces the one on me in the future. With financial alleviation comes mental alleviation. If I had both, I would do nothing else but succeed. I want to be the proud woman I see when I close my eyes to visualize the future, and I sincerely believe that UConn can take me there.
That's wonderful! But, let's take a look at the prompt again:
"Transfer essay that is a thoughtful commentary on your academic goals and explains your reasons for leaving your present/most recently attended institution to attend the University of Connecticut "
Hmmm . . . After rereading the paragraph several times, I have no idea either what your academic goals are, or why you want to transfer. Maybe your second paragraph will answer these questions . . . give me a sec . . .
Nope. It's a great list of things you have accomplished, but it doesn't have any bearing at all on either of the things the prompt asked you about. Well, I'm going to pretend that I'm an admissions officer, and as I now know that you cannot follow simple instructions, I shall crumple up your letter and toss it aside without reading any further.
Sorry, that was a bit mean. But you get the point -- you need a shorter, more focused essay that directly addresses the prompt, the whole prompt, and nothing but the prompt.
Yes, I agree with EF_Sean.
The basic outline of what you will write is great.
The tone of the essay is set nicely with the corrections of Liebe.
However, like EF_sean had said, you got off topic and you have un-needed information in your essay.
Excellent.
Thanks for the reviews! I'll be back with revisions, of course! :)
Hello again everyone. I am back with a revised (and hopefully better) transfer admission essay for review. As all of you have suggested, I have attempted to make it more streamlined and focused on the actual essay topic.
Please let me know your thoughts! Thank you!
I chose my communications major because I am fascinated with all forms of media and their connection with the human experience. I am looking for a university will offer me courses that not only give me background on every form a message can take, but also what the actual science of communications is. St. John's has a diverse communications program that features many topics of study. However, it is not specialized on the actual science of communication. After reading through the University of Connecticut's course bulletin and speaking with current and former students, I believe that I will be able to receive the specialized education that I am looking for.
My current university employs well educated and experienced professors; still, many are often inaccessible or impersonal. All of my major-related courses I took so far were in a classes of 50 or more students, and the professors barely knew who was absent without their attendance sheets. Strangely, I find that I am closer to my professors in my core courses, than I am with the professors of my major courses. This is a phenomenon that should be true the other way around. Major courses are critical to introducing and developing the mental tools needed for a student's future career. Current and past UConn students I have spoken with highlight that it is easy to meet with their professors after class and get help on topics one would like to further discuss, especially when it comes to the major courses.
Along with academic proficiency, I want to attend a respectable institution that can propel me forward without causing undue financial strain. The tuition at St. John's is quite expensive, and the financial aid I received still left a sizable sum uncovered. As a result, my parents and I had to cut corners where nobody should. There were times that my mother didn't pay the light bill or the water bill for weeks or months, just so I could stay in school. With whatever government grants I received and whatever money my family could scrape together, I had to take out student loans to continue my education. Due to my status as a full-time unemployed student, my sister has been my cosigner since my freshman year. If she did not help me up to this point, I would not have even made it to my junior year at St. John's. Unfortunately for us both, she filed for bankruptcy this year and will no longer be able to help me take out student loans to continue my education.
Admission into UConn means I can achieve personal and scholastic excellence. It also relieves the financial burden on my family now and greatly reduces the one on me in the future. With financial alleviation comes mental alleviation. If I had both, I would do nothing else but succeed. I want to be the proud woman I see when I close my eyes to visualize the future, and I sincerely believe that UConn can take me there.
I chose my communications major because I am fascinated with all forms of media and their connection with the human experience. I am looking for a university will offer me courses that not only give me background on every form a message can take, but also what the actual science of communications is.
Media and their connection to the human experience
are fascinating, so much so that this tepid statement falls flat. Show your scholarship by starting with a specific problem or question in media studies that fascinates you. Also, the "science of communications" is too vague. Again, say specifically what it is you want to learn at the new school that you cannot learn at your current school.
