Hi people.
I wanted some feedback on my writing prompt for my common application.
Feels like something's missing... But what?
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I checked to see that I was securely latched onto the board. I wiped the snow off of my pants and donned my goggles, welcoming the chilly winter wind with open arms. There was little time before I had to take off and catch up to my friends. As I looked down the sugar-coated mountain, my mind began to race. The blood pumping through my ears drowned out the music blasting from my earphones. I could just barely make out the silhouette of my friends who could not resist the urge to tear down the mountain. I took a deep breath and followed down the trail. The newly waxed board glided smoothly through the deep powder, and for a second, I imagined that I was flying. When I finally caught up to my friends and gave them a disapproving gesture, they shrugged and shot back by yelling, "You took too much time!"
While everybody counts down the number of days until the start of summer vacation, I count down the number of days until the opening day of the ski resorts. As the weather gets colder, I find myself daydreaming more about the snow-covered mountain. Consequently, I end up staying up all night trying to make up the work I had missed daydreaming. Is it worth the trouble? Hell yes. See, most people consider snowboarding as simply a recreational sport or hobby. For me, however, snowboarding is more than just a seasonal hobby or stress-reliever. It is a stimulus that helps me bring out who I really am. It brings out all the positive qualities in me that people usually do not see in school. When I go snowboarding with my friends, it surprises them that the slow, geeky, and dull Asian who cares too much about his grades can turn into such an energetic and carefree person on the mountain.
Snowboarding teaches me how to push myself to the limit while remaining patient at the same time. Think of it as equilibrium - I need to find the perfect balance between urging myself and having patience to not only get through the season safely but also learn new tricks. The consequences followed by failure are too great; surely, anybody would agree that to end up on a stretcher with a broken bone or a concussion is not worth taking the risk. However, the feeling of success when I land that trick I have been straining to perfect for years is indescribable. I guess being patient really pays off in a situation like this.
The night-lights slowly turned off one by one behind us as if to signal that it was time for us to go home for the season. We went down the slope as slowly as we possibly could, savoring the last moment on the mountain, like how I savor the last piece of chocolate, before we had to return to normal life. As the season came to an end yet again, I separated my bindings from the board, wiped them clean one last time, and carefully put the gear into the appropriate boxes and bags. I put the board bag deep inside my closet, where it will hibernate undisturbed until next season. I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling, and wondered when the first snow would come for next season.
Question:
Do you think there is enough THIS IS WHO I AM in there?
If not, some advice would be much appreciated.
Thanks.
I wanted some feedback on my writing prompt for my common application.
Feels like something's missing... But what?
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------
I checked to see that I was securely latched onto the board. I wiped the snow off of my pants and donned my goggles, welcoming the chilly winter wind with open arms. There was little time before I had to take off and catch up to my friends. As I looked down the sugar-coated mountain, my mind began to race. The blood pumping through my ears drowned out the music blasting from my earphones. I could just barely make out the silhouette of my friends who could not resist the urge to tear down the mountain. I took a deep breath and followed down the trail. The newly waxed board glided smoothly through the deep powder, and for a second, I imagined that I was flying. When I finally caught up to my friends and gave them a disapproving gesture, they shrugged and shot back by yelling, "You took too much time!"
While everybody counts down the number of days until the start of summer vacation, I count down the number of days until the opening day of the ski resorts. As the weather gets colder, I find myself daydreaming more about the snow-covered mountain. Consequently, I end up staying up all night trying to make up the work I had missed daydreaming. Is it worth the trouble? Hell yes. See, most people consider snowboarding as simply a recreational sport or hobby. For me, however, snowboarding is more than just a seasonal hobby or stress-reliever. It is a stimulus that helps me bring out who I really am. It brings out all the positive qualities in me that people usually do not see in school. When I go snowboarding with my friends, it surprises them that the slow, geeky, and dull Asian who cares too much about his grades can turn into such an energetic and carefree person on the mountain.
Snowboarding teaches me how to push myself to the limit while remaining patient at the same time. Think of it as equilibrium - I need to find the perfect balance between urging myself and having patience to not only get through the season safely but also learn new tricks. The consequences followed by failure are too great; surely, anybody would agree that to end up on a stretcher with a broken bone or a concussion is not worth taking the risk. However, the feeling of success when I land that trick I have been straining to perfect for years is indescribable. I guess being patient really pays off in a situation like this.
The night-lights slowly turned off one by one behind us as if to signal that it was time for us to go home for the season. We went down the slope as slowly as we possibly could, savoring the last moment on the mountain, like how I savor the last piece of chocolate, before we had to return to normal life. As the season came to an end yet again, I separated my bindings from the board, wiped them clean one last time, and carefully put the gear into the appropriate boxes and bags. I put the board bag deep inside my closet, where it will hibernate undisturbed until next season. I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling, and wondered when the first snow would come for next season.
Question:
Do you think there is enough THIS IS WHO I AM in there?
If not, some advice would be much appreciated.
Thanks.