After Wenchuan Earthquake happened on May the twelfth in 2008, I organized a group of thirty motivated students to raise fund for the victims of the disaster in TianFu Square, where many people stood in silent tribute every day after the earthquake. We made deliberate plans and every person was charged with specific responsibilities. My responsibility was to come to passers-by and persuade them to donate money. To my joy, everyone was willing to donate money and write blessing on the paper and adhered it to the banner I prepared. In the same time, more and more people were attracted by our activity and many of them joined us. After days of hard work, we achieved remarkably. We raised 31860RMB and more than one thousand people wrote encouragement on the paper.
Please help me with this essay. I think it is a little boring.
Well, this should take care of the grammar:
After the Wenchuan Earthquake of May 12, 2008, I organized a group of thirty motivated students to raise funds for the victims of the disaster by canvassing TianFu Square, where many people stood in silent tribute to the dead and injured in the days after the quake. We made deliberate plans and every person was charged with specific responsibilities. My responsibility was to persuade passers-by (rather than those standing vigil) to donate. To my joy, everyone was willing to donate money and to write blessings on the paper and to adhere them to the banner I had prepared. Over time, more and more people were attracted by our activity and many of them joined us. After days of hard work, we achieved remarkable results. We raised 31860RMB and more than one thousand people wrote encouraging comments on our banner.
As to the content, the story may seem a bit boring because it lacks any conflict. You decided to do something. You went out and did it. You were successful. Stories are interesting when they involve people overcoming obstacles, but in this case you don't really describe any obstacles, just your doing something nice.
Boring? This is certainly not boring. Although it lacks conflict, it reflects your determination and shows the significance of the experience. I would, however, emphasize more on your role, so that the essay shows more of who you are, and why you decided to do this. Good job though. Its not boring.
you should work a little bit on the starting sentence. it should be a little flashy .
It is not at all boring. It describes your activities so it is O.K.
Your short answer sounds like a list of events. Yes, it is a bit boring.
Instead of chronologically describing what you did, you should tell what you did- describe your actions and be more specific.
I cannot know about U from this essay. So, talk nore about yourself.
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