Common App Activity Essay-----FBLA; 'The ten of us intently traded glances'

Hey guys,
Well, this is kinda rough as I just wrote it. So, ANY feedback is GREATLY appreciated!!!

Prompt: Tell us more about one of your activities (150 word max)

The ten of us intently traded glances. While the bell had just rung and most students had already darted out to their cars, we eagerly began talking about something close to us all: life. In room C-121, everything from job stability in China to the implications national healthcare may have on the stock market are readily discussed. It still truly amazes me that teenagers (teenagers!) can sit down together and rationally consider the same issues Warren Buffet and Bill Gates contemplate. However, whether we are debating which stocks are most lucrative long-term or studying for the Economics Challenge, we advance in our understanding of business as a unit. So for the next hour, I am able to put my homework aside and plunge into the realm of finance with a community of like-minded friends. Ultimately, that is what compels me to participate in my school's Future Business Leaders of America.

omg first of all,

I am SO jealous that you have a FBLA program at your school! -sighs deeply-

- whether we are debating
- I think you could get rid of the (teenagers!) part
- "So for the next hour, I would be able to put my homework aside and plunge into the realm of finance with a community of like-minded friends." - hmm, the tense doesn't gel with the rest of it.

I think the only real problem is keeping your tenses consistent. Otherwise, I like it [: but maybe you could afford to stick in less about specific things you discuss and instead a bit more about how FBLA affects you?

Anywayy, good luck!

p.s. you might want to add your name to your work to prevent plagiarism :3

However, whether we were debating which stocks would be most lucrative long-term or studying for the Economics Challenges, we advanced our understanding of business as a unit. So for the next hour, I would be able to put my homework aside and plunge into the realm of finance with a community of like-minded friends. Ultimately, that is what compels me to participate in my school's Future Business Leaders of America.

I believe it is exactly 150 words now. I like your approach to the question.

Please comment on mine!

This is great so far.

I would get rid of the "Ultimately" in the last sentence. It just seems unnecessary.

Watch your tenses. Staying consistent with one will definitely appeal to your admissions processors, my opinion is to stick with past.

that compels me to participate in my school's Future Business Leaders of America
your paragraph is well written. i like this "Everything from job stability in China to the implications national healthcare may have on the stock market are readily discussed in room C-121. It still amazes me that teenagers (teenagers!) can sit down together and rationally discuss the same issues Warren Buffet and Bill Gates contemplate". you show that you guys are really future leaders of finance.

Keep it up!