Common App Personal Statement
Word Count: 547
Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again? (250-650 words)
Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again? (250-650 words)
"If my child was gay, then I would put them up for adoption." said Kevin.
"If you're going to have children and need specific guidelines to accept them, then don't have children," I realized too late that my voice was above the conversational volume of TGI Friday's; yet, I still didn't hesitate and kept my voice clear. "It shouldn't matter what your child identifies as."
"You're wrong," emphasized Kevin, Star, and Djogi. Tilting my head with my eyebrows raised, I sighed at the new direction this pleasant Saturday evening had taken. I felt all of the remaining eyes shift toward us as tension grew. Our group compiled of siblings: Deborah and Djogi, Kevin and Raphaelle, Star and Divine, Surya and myself.
"Am I wrong for aiming to love my children no matter what?"
Just an interruption in a two-person conversation began the table-wide social issue debate. One contradicting opinion on a particular topic always evolves into a heated discussion before settling in an understanding to agree-to-disagree. Ten minutes earlier I had predicted this argument to fall into the usual pattern but I felt obligated to prolong it.
My black bean burger and fries now occupied my actions while my mind focused on earlier. I knew they had labeled me a "social justice warrior" for questioning them, but I felt obligated to do so. What made me alone in my mindset? We were all Congolese-American, attended the same church, lived in the same town all a majority of our lives, and went to the same school. We grew up in such a similar predicament that I was confused how we became so different. all environmental factors contributing to our opinions.
But then again, what did I expect? Their views were a reflection of our Congolese upbringing: socially conservative, stubborn, and opinionated laced with critical tones. I felt pressured to be a model Congolese child and follow their traditional values so I succumbed.
I never realized how much I lacked in independent judgement until I took African-American History my sophomore year. My teacher taught beyond the curriculum to present vast social issues such as LGBT+ rights and feminism. These topics were unfamiliar yet my culture made me biased. By educating myself on social justice, I have found my voice. I now believe I can develop my own outlook by incorporating my Congolese values of love and maturity with a broader belief of acceptance.
I chose not to interact with my friends as much from their treatment of others. I understand and respect our traditional upbringing. I base my interactions with others from my core values of impartiality and respect. Their opinions revealed unfair treatment against marginalized communities such as the LGBT+ community, who deserve nothing but respect and humanity. Our differing religious interpretations on homosexuality aside, there is no excuse for intolerance. I just chose to have a modern point of view. I base my interactions with others from my core values of impartiality and respect. In retrospect, I will make the same decision because I'm proud of that encounter by how I proved myself that day. The person I presented that day is the person I make sure I am today. Someone who is passionate for what they believe in and courageous enough to speak up. I proved that when I put my core values above all.
Kerry, this is a very strong and emotional statement on your part. However, you forgot to reflect in the latter part of your essay regarding whether you would still make the same decision or not if faced with the same situation in the future. However implied it may be throughout the essay, it is always important to give a direct response with supporting sentences for each prompt requirement. Don't just expect the reviewer to read between the lines. Always be clear about what you wish to say. Just in case. Don't forget, the reviewer has to read at least 500 essays per day so being specific in your responses could help your chances of writing an essay response that will stick to his mind somehow.
Try not to repeat information in your essay. You already mentioned the influence of your teacher in the other essay that you wrote about describing who you are. It is, I believe almost exactly the same line as the first essay. So you need to come up with a different reason for this essay. You can't keep on using the same teacher and line of teaching as a response. There is no such thing as a go-to response in an application essay. You need to present new information about yourself with every prompt. The prompts are your only chance to have the reviewer get to know you so don't present yourself as a one dimensional person. Use as many methods as you can to try and create varied images of your personality in the written word.
Overall though, this is an essay that you should be proud to have written. It is timely, presents a solid and acceptable opinion on your part, and shows the degree of conviction you have when it comes to standing up for your beliefs. Good job.
@vangiespen Thank you for your help! I will make sure to add that I want to make the same decision again. Also, University of Maryland - College Park is not under Common App so I'm able to use the teacher example with looking like I'm repeating.
Not a bad revision Kerry. The essay has come together much better now and really portrays the open minded way of thinking that you developed over the years. By the way, you need to watch out for the voice that you use in the essay. Everything should be in past tense since these events already happened. That is why there are just a few grammar corrections that need to be addressed. Let me help you out with those below :-)
I still didn't hesitate and kept my voice clear
I felt all of the remaining eyes shift towardS us as tensionS grew
Our group compiled WAS COMPOSED of siblings
One contradicting opinion on a particular topic always evolves D
Ten minutes earlier I had predicted THAT this argument to WOULD fall
lived in the same town all a FOR THE majority of our lives
CONSIDERING all environmental factors contributing to our opinions.
I have found my voice
I chose not to interact with my friends as much from their treatment of others - Did you mean that you chose not to interact with your friends because of their treatment of others? This line is a bit confusing.
interactions with others from ON my core values of impartiality and respect.
I base my interactions with others from my core values of impartiality and respect. - Redundant line. You already gave this information earlier in the paragraph.
I'm proud of that encounter by BECAUSE OF how I proved myself that day.
the person I make sure I am today
2nd to the last paragraph
- History in my sophomore year.
Last paragraph
- I chose not to interact with my friends as much from theirwhen it comes their
- treatment ofto others.
- I was able to proved that when I put my core values above all, I will not be biased and will be fair in dealing with situations in life .
Kerry, it's always hard to break the norms, what people is accustomed to is what we call tradition, bound by culture and greatly influenced by beliefs and life's circumstances, breaking this will take a lot of courage, but hey what you proved in your essay is that we don't have to break norms, we need to respect them and blend them in with the current situation of the society in itself.
Aside from the remarks I made, I must say your essay is written very well, you made sure that you comprehend the prompt and what is asked was delivered accordingly.
Good luck!!!
Thank you so much for the feedback!
Common App Personal Statement
Word Count: 559
Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again? (250-650 words)
"If my child was gay, then I would put them up for adoption." said Kevin.
"If you're going to have children and need specific guidelines to accept them, then don't have children," I realized too late that my voice was above the conversational volume of TGI Friday's; yet, I didn't hesitate and kept my voice clear. "It shouldn't matter what your child identifies as."
"You're wrong," emphasized Kevin, Star, and Djogi. Tilting my head with my eyebrows raised, I sighed at the new direction this pleasant Saturday evening had taken. I felt all of the remaining eyes shift towards us as tensions grew. Our group was compiled of siblings: Deborah and Djogi, Kevin and Raphaelle, Star and Divine, Surya and myself. (I'm not sure of this sentence, it seems thrown in. My goal was to give more context on my friends)
"Am I wrong for aiming to love my children no matter what?"
Just an interruption in a two-person conversation began the table-wide social issue debate. One contradicting opinion on a particular topic always evolved into a heated discussion before settling in an understanding to agree-to-disagree. Ten minutes earlier I had predicted that this argument would fall into the usual pattern but I felt obligated to prolong it.
My black bean burger and fries now occupied my actions while my mind focused on earlier. I knew they had labeled me a "social justice warrior" for questioning them, but I felt obligated to do so. What made me alone in my mindset? We were all Congolese-American, attended the same church, lived in the same town for the majority of our lives, and went to the same school. Considering the similar environmental factors contributing to our opinions, I was confused how we became so different.
But then again, what did I expect? Their views were a reflection of our Congolese upbringing: socially conservative, stubborn, and opinionated laced with critical tones. I felt pressured to be a model Congolese child and follow their traditional values so I succumbed.
I never realized how much I lacked in independent judgement until I took African-American History in my sophomore year. My teacher taught beyond the curriculum to present vast social issues such as LGBT+ rights and feminism. These topics were unfamiliar yet my culture made me biased. By educating myself on social justice, I found my voice. I learned how to assert myself through new passion in my beliefs. I now believe I can develop my own outlook by incorporating my Congolese values of love and maturity with a broader belief of acceptance.
Though I understand and respect our traditional upbringing, I chose not to interact with my friends as much because of their treatment to others. Their opinions revealed unfair treatment against marginalized communities such as the LGBT+ community, who deserve nothing but respect and humanity. Our differing religious interpretations on homosexuality aside, there is no excuse for intolerance. I just chose to have a modern point of view. I base my interactions with others on my core values of impartiality and respect. In retrospect, I will make the same decision again because I'm proud how I proved myself that day. The person I presented that day is the person I am today. Someone who is passionate for what they believe in and courageous enough to speak up. I was able to prove that when I put my core values above all, I will be unbiased and fair in dealing with situations in life.
Kerry, the revision of your essay is so much better.
However, I have a few remarks that can hopefully enhance your paper before submission.
- But then again, what didcan I expect?
- My teacher taught us beyond
- I will make the same decision again because I'm proud of how I proved myself that day.
- I will be unbiased and fair in dealing with life situations in life .
There you have it Kerry, as I mentioned the revision was written very well and your essay should be good to go,
for future reference though, I suggest that you keep a formal essay format when writing an essay and not a comic or conversational type as above, I'm not saying that you do the same on this essay, however when writing an essay, a formal format is advisable.
I wish to see more of you writing materials here on EF.
