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Common App - "Cliff Solving"; being an assistant teacher to a third grade class



n00bl3t 3 / 30  
Dec 29, 2008   #1
Here goes a second essay.

As I steadily descended from the mountain, I soon began to realize that what had originally started out as a recreational hiking adventure had turned into an epic struggle for survival. Such was the result of my group unknowingly veering away from the paved trail. The consequence was a journey that truly tested my strength and courage.

The date was August 16, 2008. My friends and I were hiking in the vicinity of the Catskill Mountains. The mountain we ascended was much steeper than I had earlier predicted. Our destination on the mountain was a pool area that was created naturally by an adjacent waterfall. Faulty navigation led us to the wrong destination: the top of the waterfall. Thus, we had to make our way down approximately 100 meters, and in efforts to get to the pool directly, we had departed from the safe trail.

The path that we had taken went along the mountainside where there was nothing but a rocky, downhill slope. It soon became apparent that we were at the flat edge of the mountain where one could fall and take quite a tumble. I was no longer hopping gaily from boulder to boulder. Instead I was crawling on all fours with extreme caution. The threatening steepness of the mountainside only factored into the danger. My frictionless sneakers did not help either.

Although I was experienced in working through tough situations, I was not having fun. As a matter of fact, I was absolutely terrified. I knew one slip could lead to my ultimate downfall, pun not intended. However, there was no turning back, nor giving up for that matter. There was only one way out: victory. To me, victory meant not only reaching the ever-so-desired pool, but also getting there intact and breathing.

My fear of heights made me very nervous, but I did not let that get the best of me. Instead, I treated the situation as I would a physics problem, one which contains a great deal of confusing and tricky scenarios with numbers left and right. Such a problem would make me nervous as well, at first. My first step to problem solving is always to grab a hold of myself and make sense of the situation. I am on a slope with a relatively low coefficient of friction and must achieve a negative displacement of 100 meters, but not too quickly. Next I determine how the problem must be solved. I must maintain equilibrium while moving at a steady downward velocity and prevent gravity from overcoming my force of friction. My final step is to execute the process consistently so as to prevent error.

That is the approach I had taken to safely make my way down. With nothing but scarce trees and rocks in my view, I grabbed hold of whatever I could find and followed my group. Eventually, I got the hang of it and decided to lead the crew. I did not realize, however, that this was not very wise. I had brought myself upon a platform sloped downward with a tree branch barely in my reach. When I looked down, it seemed as though I was staring into a bottomless pit. I lay back, trying not to slip, and was about to cry for help. With my last ounce of courage, I leaped and grasped the tree. As a held onto it with my left arm, I pulled one of my friends to safety with my right arm. For the remainder of the descent, we worked together, and with my mind focused and my body cooperating, I was able to make it to the bottom of the slope.

Victory was mine. Although I was able to relax in the pool, I had trouble sleeping for the next few weeks. Despite the trauma, I had a desire for adventure. Success in the face of fear makes me feel brave in the same way answering a physics problem makes me feel smart. Maybe I can pursue free-fall motion and try sky-diving.

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My first essay is here https://essayforum.com/undergraduate/common-app-childhood-like-playground-think-4852/

EF_Constance - / 136  
Dec 30, 2008   #2
I really liked this essay better than the other. Other than a few comma issues, it was great. I not only read the story, but I felt it, too.

As far as the shorter essay, write out numbers below ten and watch out for the commas and where they should go. In order to shorten the essay, I would stick to shorter, to the point sentences. You only have 150 words; make every single word count. No fluff or unnecessary information.
OP n00bl3t 3 / 30  
Dec 30, 2008   #3
I really liked this essay better than the other. Other than a few comma issues, it was great. I not only read the story, but I felt it, too.

Thanks Constance, your help is appreciated.

However, it was my first full time summer job that was paid.

Sure, I only applied for the job because it was fun, sort of laid-back, and my friends were working there as well.

How about that?

Wow, not bad, you took out most of my unnecessary words and "fluff" as Constance called it. Thanks a lot Kevin, I really appreciate the help you as well as the other Moderators have given.

Oh, and Kevin which essay do you think is better? This question also applies to anyone who feels like reading.
OP n00bl3t 3 / 30  
Dec 30, 2008   #4
Hmm... which essay to use. Hard decision.
Bliss 2 / 11  
Dec 30, 2008   #5
I think you should use this one.
But I think the conclusion is a little bit weak

Success in the face of fear makes me feel brave in the same way answering a physics problem makes me feel smart. --> I think you should add one more sentence here to make it stronger.

I don't see any other mistakes other than the ones pointed out by EF_Constance.
OP n00bl3t 3 / 30  
Dec 30, 2008   #6
thanks Bliss.

how is this.

Success in the face of fear makes me feel brave in the same way answering a physics problem makes me feel smart. And these are the motivations that push me to strive to become my best. Maybe I can pursue free-fall motion and try sky-diving.


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